[Erecura]

I'm not a good person. I'm kinda spoiled, I don't come from a rich family but we've always been well off, and I've never really had to care about anything. I feel guilty about it, I don't know how life feels like, when you actually have to try to be able to survive. I'd love to experience it one day, 'cause I believe the thrill would finally bring some spark into this dullness.
I've always felt dull, missing something. It's like drowning, life feels like really slow and painful drowning. Sometimes the lack of oxygen kicks in and you feel good for a while, but then you realize you're drowning again and you can't breathe.

I used to be bullied all the way through elementary school, middle school and high school. No matter how much I tried, there was always something wrong with me. I was too short, too skinny, too childish, too scattered, too loud, too talkative, too theatrical and dramatic. Then I was too quiet, too closed, too secretive, too weird... I was too much of an emo, I was too much of a punk-rocker, I was too much of a goth, I was too little of these things.

I spent my whole childhood and teenage years trying to make people like me. To be liked and seen for what I was but the harder I tried, the less liked I felt, and the more people laughed at me, and made me feel worthless.

I've tried so hard to make peace with the fact that I am not like most people, and most of them won't ever get me or like me. I found so much solace and hope in art, music, poetry and literature, those things became my whole world. My teachers noticed me and made me participate in singing, writing and acting competitions, and I always came back with some sort of a medal or a diploma. It made me believe, that I'm simply one of those artists, who are meant for greater things and common folks won't ever get me.

I believed in it so freaking much... It was the only thing in my life that kept me from ending my life and kept me sane during all those years of being put down by my peers. Later in high school, I even made some real good friends, I got involved with many people who made art and played music, and I was happy. I really believed that we all sort of... make it in the world and become something.

Being a part of a social group full of people, who had the same interests and values was so refreshing for me. My teachers and family kept on supporting me, even though I lost my path for a little, I went to study art abroad. I made it through a pretty decent university and I felt like... the world belonged to me.

After finishing the uni, I was sure that my life would only become good. I found a partner, who is also a writer and a musician, thanks to him, I felt secure a balanced. I started my first real job hunt two years ago...and ever since that...my life has been hell.

I thought that... because I studied abroad and I know English well, the most elite employers would fight to hire me. Well... of course they don't. I gave up on the idea of becoming a full time writer or a musician, 'cause I need to make some money. Or else... I like to buy fancy and sort of expensive things. So I started to write articles for kind of ****** magazines and websites. At first, I dind't care that they were ****** as long as they were paying, but later on, it always became an issue. They wanted different kind of content, than the one I was able and aiming to write.

I had to change my writing a lot, I had to learn how to write for a totally different audience than I wanted to, and honestly... it's been killing me. I quit my last job a month ago, I've been in three different newsrooms in 2 years and none of them was a good fit for me.

I was thinking about cutting back my expenses and finishing my novel, but... what if it wasn't the newsroom's fault? What if...I'm just not talented and good enough for this. I can't bear the thought of being rejected by a publisher.

I could also always come back to making music, but because of all the stress I've had the past few months, I had an argument with some bandmates and we might never get back together...

I'm just so screwed...

If there's one piece of advice I could tell my younger self it is this: Write down a "plan" and the steps to follow it. I never did that. There's a photo of me dressed as a gypsy when I was 9 years old. Cursed foresight! My life has unfolded like that photo predicted. I zig-zagged through the past 30 years of my like, the way Tron does on the grid in his light cycle. I never had the foresight to find a peer group, find a mentor, draw up a plan with steps to achieve a singular goal. Instead, I just foolishly tried 'this' or 'that.' The curse of the creative brain, or unrealized potential.

If you are young, you have your whole life ahead of you. Don't give up your dream of being a writer and musician.

There are many ways you can earn income in this gig economy. I'm researching that for myself right now. Getting back into freelance writing. I used to do it in my 20s and was able to pay rent. But, life got in the way and I gave it up. I miss it.

So, the good news is: you are not screwed. That is good ol distorted thinking at play, because you are frustrated and thinking in circles.

I joined a dislocated workers program because i need a mentor. That mentor is in the form of a career counselor. I don't know how old you are or what your connections are. Maybe try to find an editor who you trust and ask them to help you create a 'plan' you can follow to really bulk up your freelance writing career. And, make music on the side. I am not in a band, but I used to be involved in a drum circle that performed a lot for a few years. So, now I still drum alone, for practice (not where I live), or go to a drum circle when I can afford to pay for it (the free one I belonged to disbanded a long time ago).

The resources are out there for you. You just need someone to guide you to them. That's where the idea of a mentor comes into play.

Join a writers group for feedback from your peers.
Keep writing every day to 'practice.' If you don't exercise your voice, you'll lose it. Do you think musicians never practice? Of course they do.
Cut back on shopping luxuries.
Go thrift shopping for clothes and socks and shoes.
Stay away from grocery co-ops and shop at the cheap grocery store for produce.
Get rid of any excess in your life.

[bpcyclist]

Originally Posted by Erecura

I'm not a good person. I'm kinda spoiled, I don't come from a rich family but we've always been well off, and I've never really had to care about anything. I feel guilty about it, I don't know how life feels like, when you actually have to try to be able to survive. I'd love to experience it one day, 'cause I believe the thrill would finally bring some spark into this dullness.
I've always felt dull, missing something. It's like drowning, life feels like really slow and painful drowning. Sometimes the lack of oxygen kicks in and you feel good for a while, but then you realize you're drowning again and you can't breathe.

I used to be bullied all the way through elementary school, middle school and high school. No matter how much I tried, there was always something wrong with me. I was too short, too skinny, too childish, too scattered, too loud, too talkative, too theatrical and dramatic. Then I was too quiet, too closed, too secretive, too weird... I was too much of an emo, I was too much of a punk-rocker, I was too much of a goth, I was too little of these things.

I spent my whole childhood and teenage years trying to make people like me. To be liked and seen for what I was but the harder I tried, the less liked I felt, and the more people laughed at me, and made me feel worthless.

I've tried so hard to make peace with the fact that I am not like most people, and most of them won't ever get me or like me. I found so much solace and hope in art, music, poetry and literature, those things became my whole world. My teachers noticed me and made me participate in singing, writing and acting competitions, and I always came back with some sort of a medal or a diploma. It made me believe, that I'm simply one of those artists, who are meant for greater things and common folks won't ever get me.

I believed in it so freaking much... It was the only thing in my life that kept me from ending my life and kept me sane during all those years of being put down by my peers. Later in high school, I even made some real good friends, I got involved with many people who made art and played music, and I was happy. I really believed that we all sort of... make it in the world and become something.

Being a part of a social group full of people, who had the same interests and values was so refreshing for me. My teachers and family kept on supporting me, even though I lost my path for a little, I went to study art abroad. I made it through a pretty decent university and I felt like... the world belonged to me.

After finishing the uni, I was sure that my life would only become good. I found a partner, who is also a writer and a musician, thanks to him, I felt secure a balanced. I started my first real job hunt two years ago...and ever since that...my life has been hell.

I thought that... because I studied abroad and I know English well, the most elite employers would fight to hire me. Well... of course they don't. I gave up on the idea of becoming a full time writer or a musician, 'cause I need to make some money. Or else... I like to buy fancy and sort of expensive things. So I started to write articles for kind of ****** magazines and websites. At first, I dind't care that they were ****** as long as they were paying, but later on, it always became an issue. They wanted different kind of content, than the one I was able and aiming to write.

I had to change my writing a lot, I had to learn how to write for a totally different audience than I wanted to, and honestly... it's been killing me. I quit my last job a month ago, I've been in three different newsrooms in 2 years and none of them was a good fit for me.

I was thinking about cutting back my expenses and finishing my novel, but... what if it wasn't the newsroom's fault? What if...I'm just not talented and good enough for this. I can't bear the thought of being rejected by a publisher.

I could also always come back to making music, but because of all the stress I've had the past few months, I had an argument with some bandmates and we might never get back together...

I'm just so screwed...

JK Rowling was turned down more than 30 times by agents because they thought Harry Potter sucked. Michael Crichton used to carry around on his person his rejection letters for motivation.

If you want to write/finish a novel, then write/finish a novel. Writers write. You will figure out away to get it published when the time comes. It's never been easier to publish a book than it is today. Carpe diem!

What bpcyclist said! Not to sound like Kristen Wiig's SNL character Penelope who one-ups everyone with her "I did that too..." but I actually met J.K. Rowling and her daughter while traveling on a train from London to the Lake District. I didn't know who she was at the time. I just remember she introduced herself as Jo Rowling (she didn't mention her Harry Potter books to me either). I gave her daughter some slices of my orange and we chatted about writing and about travel. I told her I was going up to the Lake District with some badly written poetry of my own, because I'd just been there the January before on a 3-week literary ventures by train college course, and had come from Galway where my family had a reunion. So, it was all timing. Only when I got back to the States, and saw her first Harry Potter book on the shelf, did I realize who sat across me in that train car traveling to the Lake District.

So, write your novel! Someone will publish it. But you have to finish it first.

[Open Eyes]

I used to be bullied all the way through elementary school, middle school and high school. No matter how much I tried, there was always something wrong with me. I was too short, too skinny, too childish, too scattered, too loud, too talkative, too theatrical and dramatic. Then I was too quiet, too closed, too secretive, too weird... I was too much of an emo, I was too much of a punk-rocker, I was too much of a goth, I was too little of these things.

Some of the most successful artists were not the most popular. This includes Stephen Speilburg who was bullied a lot when he was young too. It's unfortunate but a lot of younger individuals are basically shallow and tend to be prone to making fun of others in their effort to feel more important than they really are.