[K0123]

I don't believe it can be. I think it's part of a person, kind of like other differences we have as varying people. Either you have it or you don't, maybe its depth can vary... but I don't believe all people have it.

For example, in my relationship, I feel I know exactly what my boyfriend needs. I know when he's feeling off, I know when to help him. I feel I have the ability to nurture him. To help him along and be his best self, after living with him for a long time. I like to help him to see him shine.

Still, I feel he walks by me or looks through me and I feel I need to beg for his recognition. He says he wants to learn how to be empathetic but I don't believe this is possible. I know he cares for me, but I feel so much of me is unrecognized by him. I know he wants to see me, but it feels like he's not able to. Even when I try to explain it all.

I feel he sees the surface of things. He knows he needs to feed our cat, and pet our cat when the cat meows at his feet, but he doesn't understand the cat's behavior and why the cat acts out when attention is elsewhere. I feel I have to explain everything to death for him to see 'the interior of things', even just a little bit. And I'm exhausted. And I feel sick because I feel neglected.

I am very anxious in general and socially, and my family fell apart so I lost people I once had... so I have a difficult time meeting other people and developing friendships. But I know I am in need of connection on a deeper level. I have so much to share and say that is in need of being reciprocated - I am tired of being so giving and those around me taking and not seeing me, seeing with a capital S.

I feel burnt out and am currently at the start of developing known and sure boundaries. I know boundaries are important for me so I don't lose all of my energy or have it taken from me.

[MsLady]

I agree, either you have it or you don't and at varying degrees. I do think you can learn self-awareness and develop behaviour strategies to help pick up certain cues in yourself and others.

I could have written this post, myself. It's very emotionally draining. Our family counselor suggested my partner to work on the 4 areas in Emotional Intelligence. Maybe your partner can take a peek, too?

[TishaBuv]

I agree that there are people who don’t have empathy and they won’t learn it. Either they can’t or they just don’t want to. There are selfish, self-centered people. Maybe some people were raised to not have empathy and view it as being weak.

But I do think that we all learn empathy as young children. We are naturally selfish and learn to share or to feel for someone else when they are hurt. I remember my mother teaching it to me, and I taught it to my kids. They picked up on it pretty quickly. Maybe other people who lack the ability to have empathy don’t, or they don’t want to.

[K0123]

Originally Posted by MsLady

I agree, either you have it or you don't and at varying degrees. I do think you can learn self-awareness and develop behaviour strategies to help pick up certain cues in yourself and others.

I could have written this post, myself. It's very emotionally draining. Our family counselor suggested my partner to work on the 4 areas in Emotional Intelligence. Maybe your partner can take a peek, too?

He mentioned emotional intelligence today and that he was looking into that. I'm not sure what it is with him - it seems to be not just empathy and emotional understanding but his understanding in general I think? It's like he sees something but cannot understand it (he can only acknowledge the outside). He knows he has to do something but doesn't necessarily know or get why.. he can follow instructions from others, kind of (if it's described in great detail and reminded to him) but does it to please or to fulfill a task, but doesn't know what the purpose is? Like I feel I am an item on his to do list. His care for me. I have to ask and ask. It causes me to feel unimportant and insignificant.

In a way, it's caused me to not know if I can truly believe what he says. He says he cares for me, but it's difficult for me to believe it, or if he knows what that means. He says stuff, but I think they're just words to him. Mimicry. How can I believe what he doesn't show or what I don't feel in this life he and I have created? It's so frustrating.

He and I are just about opposites (in many ways). I don't know what allows a relationship to be successful. And it's hard with this, because it's an 8 year relationship.. I've invested A LOT of myself and my energy..

And I know I want to get married someday, or I did once upon a time, but I've lost hope in love I think..

It's so exhausting.

[SquarePegGuy]

I think empathy grows with a person's age. Also, when I was a teenager, I preferred to keep myself closed off from others. I felt too vulnerable otherwise. Good luck!

[K0123]

Originally Posted by SquarePegGuy

I think empathy grows with a person's age. Also, when I was a teenager, I preferred to keep myself closed off from others. I felt too vulnerable otherwise. Good luck!

I truly think some people may not have or be it, or may never learn it as we all vary..

I was empathetic as a very young child and it continues to be my very being today.

I wonder if it is part due to genetics, part due to exposure to certain circumstance or events, environmental..

I'm also very observant - a curse and a gift.

[MsLady]

Originally Posted by K0123

I'm also very observant - a curse and a gift.

Funny, I've said this many times, as well. I'm so in-tuned in other people's body language, it's a curse! This is because I don't always understand what's happening or why but I see the subtle changes. Then I retract. I feel unsafe or hesitant.. and sometimes think it's something I've done and walk away stewing over it.

Yes, a curse.

[divine1966]

Yes some people just aren’t in tune with others, not aware and could only comprehend what’s happening if someone points it out.

Like if you tell them someone is being mean or someone is being loving or someone is suffering and need support or someone appears upset, they’ll be “oh I didn’t realize, but now I see what you mean”. If they just observe it themselves, they don’t always understand what they are looking at. Or they might completely misinterpret what they see. Just lack of awareness.

Now if you tell me these people are 5 years old, oh absolutely awareness and empathy could be cultivated. But if they are 60, I’d say that’s who they are. You probably can’t teach them to be aware and understand what others might feel or might need and what things mean

Saying that, even if one lacks natural awareness, they still can learn to behave appropriately. Like even if they don’t comprehend grief on emotional level, they can learn to express condolences and learn to help those in need.

[Discombobulated]

I think it can be learned to a degree but not a great degree.

I know someone who purposefully learned to be more empathic and I did see a change over a number of years. However I would say it is not full empathy in the way I have seen in others. Some people are naturally more aware and emotionally intelligent in my experience- they often tend to be women. I am not saying that is the rule but in my experience men seem to be a little less empathic.

[K0123]

It's just such a frustrating thing, being very empathetic and living and being together in an intimate relationship with someone who seems to be so oblivious that others exist basically and that he has an impact on his surroundings.

And if he does something that hurts another he seems to put the blame elsewhere and he tends to get upset at others when he hurts them. I don't believe he ever learned to take responsibility for his actions. So I think he internalizes his experience instead of facing things.

His mother still coddles him today and he's about 34. She's reliant on him because "she's lonely."

He's a good human and all, just seems self-centered due to his upbringing I believe. And because he learned to cope by blaming the world (everyone's a bully in his mind), I believe he never learned empathy, or just isn't that way, he just feels sorry for himself.

I'm burned out and coping by closing myself up from him. I try to communicate, I have over the years, but he just doesn't seem to get it.

I'm not sure this relationship can last much longer. I've grown bitter, sad and unforgiving.

I've done more than I can offer at this point.

[Fuzzybear]

[I hate myself]

I don't have much empathy, but I have compassion. Though I'm desperate to learn empathy as I cannot and will not live as a sociopath or psychopath, I refuse too. I just want to have it as I care about others, yet I rarely feel their emotions with them. I understand why they feel that way though and want to comfort them.(I practice comforting by imaging cats and hugging my pillow.)

[Molk]

You definitely can train yourself to be more empathetic. Just focus on others.
If you don't have predispositions, you may not become the most empathetic human on the planet but who cares, you will improve your people skills. And that's all that matters in this case.
Pretty much anything can be learned to a certain point when we do the work and are patient.

To answer your Q, I do believe that if the desire to learn is there, it can be learned. It can also be honed and better developed. I also believe that some ppl have a greater capacity for it than others.

I also think about kids. The most unempathic of all. We grow up and with growing up, can come emotional maturity. Not always. But for myself, definitely.

Some ppl are deluded, too. Thinking they are very empathic but I don't see it.

[I hate myself]

Originally Posted by Molk

You definitely can train yourself to be more empathetic. Just focus on others.
If you don't have predispositions, you may not become the most empathetic human on the planet but who cares, you will improve your people skills. And that's all that matters in this case.
Pretty much anything can be learned to a certain point when we do the work and are patient.

I understand, I just never try to train myself because of pure laziness. I don't want to be the most empathetic, but enough for me to be normal. I am compassionate, but I just cannot feel other's emotions, I understand how others feel(I think?) and I would want to comfort them.. but I just cannot feel their emotions nor cry at sad scenes in TV shows.

Even say so... if I was a sociopath or psychopath(which I don't think i'm neither), would it still possible for me to learn emotional empathy to at least normal levels so I can feel other's emotions?


Don't worry, i'm pretty kind and compassionate, and I am not an poultry or beef eater. I just don't want to be violent or anything like that.