[Have Hope]

I have been through a LOT in life. Please bare with me as I write this out.

This is not a pity party or a "I'm the victim thing" - though as an important side note and general comment, when one has repeatedly been a target of abuse, that person has in fact been a victim of abuse, which I have been many times over. That aside, this is a review and documentation of some of what I've been through that makes my heart break.

I have survived through SO much hurt, betrayal, sadness and pain, and I have overcome SO many challenges that have been thrown in my direction. I have many scars and bruises that I can still see and feel today.

I have been verbally, mentally and emotionally abused by countless partners. I have also been abused by different bosses and I've been bullied at work to the point where it snapped me and brought me to the hospital.

As a kid, I was bullied and ganged up on by a few classmates, whom I thought were my "friends" in junior high. That continued into high school, where I had to scratch out the most vicious and cruel things written about me on the bathroom walls and desktops by one particularly mean and envious classmate.

Later on in school, a professor tried to declare me "unfit for the profession of mental health" simply because I had questioned him on a grade and we subsequently argued, so I took the matter to the Dean to resolve. So the professor out of anger initiated an academic action against me to declare me "unfit", and so I dropped out of school entirely; I learned he was fired shortly afterwards, after I sent angry notes to the Dean and school President about the professor doing this to me.

I've been abused and bullied on several online forums (not PC ), even by forum owners, that made me have to leave.

I've also faced several setbacks in life, including hospitalizations and a mental breakdown - my greatest dreams were crushed as a result of my breakdown. And I have faced several professional setbacks that have made me have to start all over again from the bottom. These experiences were most heart-wrenching and blood, sweat and tears difficult, bringing me to the depths of the deepest depression I've ever faced.

And right now, I feel utterly and entirely exhausted from it all. I am exhausted and exasperated by the constant battles, and I am exhausted from the constant fight. My current boss is trying to undermine me at work because he inwardly fears I may or could take his job if I shine too much. So he does whatever he can to suppress my achievements and to take credit for all my hard work. It's yet another battle, and I have to stand up for myself against all of his sleazy, despicable underhanded maneuvers.

I am just so sick of it all. It's been a very difficult, challenging, emotionally draining and rough road, in nearly every way.

Maybe the universe or God is trying to teach me how to be a stronger and more resilient person. Maybe the universe is trying to teach me how to be more cautious with whom I let into my life and life's problems, because I used to be far too open and receptive to most everyone I met. Maybe there's a reason for all of this turmoil and difficulty I've faced over the years. I sure hope there's a purpose and reason. I know I have grown far stronger, I have grown a thicker skin in many ways, and I am more cautious, wise and discerning now with people, but persistent life challenges certainly do take a toll on a person. It's called PTSD, anxiety and depression.

What's the toughest thing is that I am a really good person, with a caring, loving, giving heart. I try hard to be a good person at least. And sometimes I think I care TOO much. But that doesn't seem to mean much or carry much weight in a world full of cruelty and corruption.

And I try to stay positive and help others to be positive - I try to encourage others to be the best person they can be as well as myself, but when the crap keeps coming flying at you again and again and again, it's really hard to continue being positive and to carry a sunny disposition all the time. Sometimes, I feel crushed by the weight of all these negative experiences in my life. Sometimes I want to just start completely over, or simply have it all end. Enough already.

Again, this is not a pity party… it just saddens me deeply that I've had so many life challenges to overcome. It's heartbreaking and sometimes makes me want to bawl my eyes out and scream at the world for its unfairness and cruelty.

Sometimes I have wondered if God or the Universe is cruel. Sometimes it feels that way. I really do not get it. I try hard - I try really hard to be a good person in this world and I don't want to let these negative experiences ruin me, sour me, embitter me or change who I fundamentally am. I want to still be the same loving, caring, giving and positive-minded person I've always been, but it's really hard.

People used to tell me years ago that I was full of life, full of energy, glowing and effervescent. I really miss that person. I need her back. I can say that these negative experiences have tempered my enthusiasm. I have a friend who reminds me of who I used to be and she's the nicest, warmest, sweetest person in the world -- and I am almost envious that she still has that same zest for life that I used to have and feel.

On the flip side, I can honestly say that I am generally pretty happy in my life, despite all of this crap -- which may seem contradictory, but when I look at my life from a bird's eye view, I am pretty happy. Right now, I have a rather good, high paying job and career path I am very proud of, I have a strong and loving marriage and a loving husband with whom I am very happy, I have several close girlfriends and friends IRL whom I adore and who love me, and I have a close, loving and supportive family. And if I died tomorrow, I can honestly say I have lived a very full and adventure-filled life otherwise.

So I count my blessings because I know there are many to be thankful for - and each and every day, I AM thankful for all that I DO have.

Perhaps that's one of the lessons I've learned through all of this pain and difficulty -- is to count my blessings, to deeply appreciate what I have and to acknowledge and embrace how far I've come, having been faced with SO many challenges.

And each time that I have felt I am literally about to break, something miraculous has happened to save me, each and every time. Perhaps someone out there really is looking out for me, after all. I tend to think so. So, thank you, to that knight in shining armor, my Guardian Angel.

So… in the end, I am now in a place of gratitude, and I suppose perhaps now I can make peace with the past because of where I am now. Perhaps that's where all of this is bringing me -- to a place of gratitude, peace, strength and resolution.

But I do grieve for the innocent, open and effervescent girl I once was. She has changed. For better or worse, the innocent part of me has died, and I grieve for her.

Thank you for reading this through. And kind, supportive comments only please. Thank you!

[Buffy01]

Originally Posted by Have Hope

I have been through a LOT in life. Please bare with me as I write this out.

This is not a pity party or a "I'm the victim thing" - though as an important side note and general comment, when one has repeatedly been a target of abuse, that person has in fact been a victim of abuse, which I have been many times over. That aside, this is a review and documentation of some of what I've been through that makes my heart break.

I have survived through SO much hurt, betrayal, sadness and pain, and I have overcome SO many challenges that have been thrown in my direction. I have many scars and bruises that I can still see and feel today.

I have been verbally, mentally and emotionally abused by countless partners. I have also been abused by different bosses and I've been bullied at work to the point where it snapped me and brought me to the hospital.

As a kid, I was bullied and ganged up on by a few classmates, whom I thought were my "friends" in junior high. That continued into high school, where I had to scratch out the most vicious and cruel things written about me on the bathroom walls and desktops by one particularly mean and envious classmate.

Later on in school, a professor tried to declare me "unfit for the profession of mental health" simply because I had questioned him on a grade and we subsequently argued, so I took the matter to the Dean to resolve. So the professor out of anger initiated an academic action against me to declare me "unfit", and so I dropped out of school entirely; I learned he was fired shortly afterwards, after I sent angry notes to the Dean and school President about the professor doing this to me.

I've been abused and bullied on several online forums (not PC ), even by forum owners, that made me have to leave.

I've also faced several setbacks in life, including hospitalizations and a mental breakdown - my greatest dreams were crushed as a result of my breakdown. And I have faced several professional setbacks that have made me have to start all over again from the bottom. These experiences were most heart-wrenching and blood, sweat and tears difficult, bringing me to the depths of the deepest depression I've ever faced.

And right now, I feel utterly and entirely exhausted from it all. I am exhausted and exasperated by the constant battles, and I am exhausted from the constant fight. My current boss is trying to undermine me at work because he inwardly fears I may or could take his job if I shine too much. So he does whatever he can to suppress my achievements and to take credit for all my hard work. It's yet another battle, and I have to stand up for myself against all of his sleazy, despicable underhanded maneuvers.

I am just so sick of it all. It's been a very difficult, challenging, emotionally draining and rough road, in nearly every way.

Maybe the universe or God is trying to teach me how to be a stronger and more resilient person. Maybe the universe is trying to teach me how to be more cautious with whom I let into my life and life's problems, because I used to be far too open and receptive to most everyone I met. Maybe there's a reason for all of this turmoil and difficulty I've faced over the years. I sure hope there's a purpose and reason. I know I have grown far stronger, I have grown a thicker skin in many ways, and I am more cautious, wise and discerning now with people, but persistent life challenges certainly do take a toll on a person. It's called PTSD, anxiety and depression.

What's the toughest thing is that I am a really good person, with a caring, loving, giving heart. I try hard to be a good person at least. And sometimes I think I care TOO much. But that doesn't seem to mean much or carry much weight in a world full of cruelty and corruption.

And I try to stay positive and help others to be positive - I try to encourage others to be the best person they can be as well as myself, but when the crap keeps coming flying at you again and again and again, it's really hard to continue being positive and to carry a sunny disposition all the time. Sometimes, I feel crushed by the weight of all these negative experiences in my life. Sometimes I want to just start completely over, or simply have it all end. Enough already.

Again, this is not a pity party… it just saddens me deeply that I've had so many life challenges to overcome. It's heartbreaking and sometimes makes me want to bawl my eyes out and scream at the world for its unfairness and cruelty.

Sometimes I have wondered if God or the Universe is cruel. Sometimes it feels that way. I really do not get it. I try hard - I try really hard to be a good person in this world and I don't want to let these negative experiences ruin me, sour me, embitter me or change who I fundamentally am. I want to still be the same loving, caring, giving and positive-minded person I've always been, but it's really hard.

People used to tell me years ago that I was full of life, full of energy, glowing and effervescent. I really miss that person. I need her back. I can say that these negative experiences have tempered my enthusiasm. I have a friend who reminds me of who I used to be and she's the nicest, warmest, sweetest person in the world -- and I am almost envious that she still has that same zest for life that I used to have and feel.

On the flip side, I can honestly say that I am generally pretty happy in my life, despite all of this crap -- which may seem contradictory, but when I look at my life from a bird's eye view, I am pretty happy. Right now, I have a rather good, high paying job and career path I am very proud of, I have a strong and loving marriage and a loving husband with whom I am very happy, I have several close girlfriends and friends IRL whom I adore and who love me, and I have a close, loving and supportive family. And if I died tomorrow, I can honestly say I have lived a very full and adventure-filled life otherwise.

So I count my blessings because I know there are many to be thankful for - and each and every day, I AM thankful for all that I DO have.

Perhaps that's one of the lessons I've learned through all of this pain and difficulty -- is to count my blessings, to deeply appreciate what I have and to acknowledge and embrace how far I've come, having been faced with SO many challenges.

And each time that I have felt I am literally about to break, something miraculous has happened to save me, each and every time. Perhaps someone out there really is looking out for me, after all. I tend to think so. So, thank you, to that knight in shining armor, my Guardian Angel.

So… in the end, I am now in a place of gratitude, and I suppose perhaps now I can make peace with the past because of where I am now. Perhaps that's where all of this is bringing me -- to a place of gratitude, peace, strength and resolution.

But I do grieve for the innocent, open and effervescent girl I once was. She has changed. For better or worse, the innocent part of me has died, and I grieve for her.

Thank you for reading this through. And kind, supportive comments only please. Thank you!

I'm sorry that you ever had to experience that. I.understand because I been through it myself.

[Have Hope]

Originally Posted by Buffy01

I'm sorry that you ever had to experience that. I.understand because I been through it myself.

Oh big hugs to you! I'm very sorry you had to experience something similar. Here's to healing and moving forward.

.

[divine1966]

Many hugs. I value resilience in life. I think by fighting through challenges you demonstrated resilience and you keep rising and taking care of business. You don’t give up. And that’s something to applaud you for.

Personally I think when something miraculous happens when you about to break, it’s not really a miracle, it’s you keep fighting and moving forward and things keep falling into place.

Counting our blessings, being grateful and remaining positive is the best way to live our lives. Good points!!!!

[Hi IM Dan]

Hi,

I can relate, thank you for sharing some of your story with us.

[RockyRoad007]

Hi Have Hope,
Your story touched me deeply. While my story is very different, it too is filled with pain. I have seen you post that you are an empath, as am I. That means when we feel pain, we feel it very deeply. I read somewhere it is 50-100 times that of a non empath.
And yet, like you I see the blessings of so much trauma and pain. Doesn't mean we have to like them, but they are catalysts for amazing growth if we allow them to be.
I like who I am today. I am still bipolar, still suffer from depression, still a loner, still learning to deeply love myself. In other words still a work in progress. But I like myself. I have incredible blessings in my life.

I am very glad for you that you are also aware of the blessings and miracles that are in your life. We just have to be open to them.

Living life with an open heart is the biggest revenge on life's hardships.

[Have Hope]

Originally Posted by divine1966

Many hugs. I value resilience in life. I think by fighting through challenges you demonstrated resilience and you keep rising and taking care of business. You don’t give up. And that’s something to applaud you for.

Personally I think when something miraculous happens when you about to break, it’s not really a miracle, it’s you keep fighting and moving forward and things keep falling into place.

Counting our blessings, being grateful and remaining positive is the best way to live our lives. Good points!!!!

Aw, thanks Divine! There's been plenty of times when I wanted to give up, but something in me drove me to keep fighting for it.

I have to say, I think I've truly fought for my happiness. Seriously.

And yes, keeping those things at the forefront (blessings, gratitude and positive-thinking) is a good way to live life...

Hugs back at ya.

[Have Hope]

Originally Posted by Hi IM Dan

Hi,

I can relate, thank you for sharing some of your story with us.

Hugs to you.

[Have Hope]

Originally Posted by RockyRoad007

Hi Have Hope,
Your story touched me deeply. While my story is very different, it too is filled with pain. I have seen you post that you are an empath, as am I. That means when we feel pain, we feel it very deeply. I read somewhere it is 50-100 times that of a non empath.
And yet, like you I see the blessings of so much trauma and pain. Doesn't mean we have to like them, but they are catalysts for amazing growth if we allow them to be.
I like who I am today. I am still bipolar, still suffer from depression, still a loner, still learning to deeply love myself. In other words still a work in progress. But I like myself. I have incredible blessings in my life.

I am very glad for you that you are also aware of the blessings and miracles that are in your life. We just have to be open to them.

Living life with an open heart is the biggest revenge on life's hardships.

Aw, thank you for your lovely post.

Self-love is very important in life. I have been working on self love for years. There are times when I get down in the dumps about something I've done, but I am also trying to not have impossible expectations of myself. We are always a work in progress, our whole lives.

And yes, I do feel things very deeply. I can have very strong emotions, from one end of the spectrum to the other. I do feel others' pain deeply as well.

I am glad you can see the blessings in your life. I truly believe that being grateful is a key to happiness.

And yes, I agree... I don't like that I've had so much trauma in my life, but it's made me who I am today.... and I like to think and believe that I am a better person for it all.

Hugs to you.

[Fuzzybear]

[bpforever1]

I can relate to your story and have been there and done that. Thank you for sharing!! I think the best thing I have reminded myself is that tomorrow is a new day and to take it one day at a time. I know your hurt feels so painful. I know the pain myself. You are a survivor and fighter. We both must never give up the good fight! I have been homeless, abused, imprisoned, and told I was not worth it many times. But, through it all, someone believed in me and gave me the courage to overcome my situation. I have to thank the married man who told me to believe in my future and not give up. I did and here I am on my own and doing relatively well. I also thank my parents for allowing me to leave their prison. I hope your situation improves and that you can come back here and tell us how well you are doing! Best wishes!