[Graciy]

I was always the 'sensitive' one, especially as a child. I never felt that I fit in with my family, except for my Mother, I was close to her. I felt pushed aside, remember phrases like, This is just for the older kids, Your too young, Go play in your room, I remember playing alone a lot and I actually liked it. My room was my castle.
I prefer being happy (I've learned to be responsible for my own mood) but when I'm around other people I can feel what they are feeling. Sometimes their emotions overtake my own. It leaves me being very careful who I choose to be around. Stable, happy people are best for me. Half glass full types.

I'm the youngest of 5. the other siblings are much older than myself. I can remember the older kids chasing after each other around in the living room as my Mom made dinner. (I think it was the original hangries lol)
I can remember sitting in a chair watching them and pleading with God that they would leave me alone. I would get SO upset with all of that energy. I didn't want to be touched. I found that if I went into the kitchen and sat crossed legged on the floor that my Mom would let me stay there, as long as I was quiet. Sometimes she gave me frozen broccoli to eat because thats the only way I would eat it.
I think thats why I liked our pets so much. They were calming and liked to cuddle.
...This is my firstish post and I'm not sure if this is the right place to post it.

[CANDC]

Hi @Graciy - welcome to My Support Forums. This is the right place to post. You can post in any thread you want. That is okay.

Thanks for sharing about your younger years and joining the community. @CANDC

[Graciy]

My parents were quite older. My dad fought in WW2 and came back with PTSD, although in those days it really wasn't known about back then. To me, when I was little he was the really stern guy that sat behind a newspaper. He worked really hard, at a factory job to keep us all afloat. I was afraid of him, then. I looked at friends Dads and neighbours for attention. I think they knew about Dad and really did try and take me with my friends all over the pace because my dad couldn't drive. He went to work and got groceries. I think when i was around 12 he started to come around a bit more and we'd go on drives, walks in the trails and fishing.

As I got older my siblings really helped me out a lot. The brother closest to me, was always there for me, he would take me to choir practices and pick me up. Whenever I needed a ride he'd be there to take me (in the 70's walking at night wasn't safe and he knew that.) He also did things like refurbish a bike with all of the cool things on it, monkey bars, banana seat. We had carts that you could push friends around on. I'm sure he did that too. My sister took me with her on trips, picnics, drives. I always had fun with her and her now husband. My Mom never did learn how to drive but she taught me how to walk everywhere and ride the buses.

[Graciy]

I left my home when I was 16 or 17. I can't remember exactly when. It was a flurry of really bad emotional trauma. No one could understand why i left and to be honest I couldn't remember or understand why. Looking back I was so angry at everyone. I said earlier that my room was my sanctuary. I had diaries with all sorts of personal issues written in them and mementos that meant so much to me. It was my privacy.
I went away to work for the summer before my last year of high school. I was into forestry, camping, hiking and got a very special placement with the government as a Jr forest ranger. I wanted to continue in forestry but I think my Dad had a problem with me leaving to go away to college and work up north. It was an emotional thing for him to let me go and I don't think his heart would let him. (which I understand now)

I had a really domineering and abusive boyfriend at the time. Who I believe thought of me as his possession. He was so relentless to get his way about things that I kind of just gave up in trying to be myself. He would not take no as an answer. What I did like about him was the freedom that I got when I was with him. His parents let him do anything he wanted and so I got to do that too. At home I had rules that the girls had to follow, while my brothers had that same freedom as my boyfriend had. It didn't seem fair to me.

When I was working up North I was sending my money home to my Mother and she put it in the bank for me. I was saving for a car. While I was away my oldest brother left his wife and came home. He was given my room to stay in. (no one asked me) My Mom told me that I couldn't have my room back when I got home because my oldest brother was a man and needed a room to himself. I asked her where i was supposed to sleep and she said she didn't know. I also found out that they had let all sorts of people including the boyfriend sleep in my room too. My personal things had been gone through. The boyfriend had put snide jealous remarks in my books. It was like a slow removal piece by piece of who I am. (I believe thats when the abuse began or my feelings that I had no rights anymore and the man in my life had all of the control.)
The brother found an apartment before I got home. I think he understood, but my feelings of not belonging or that no one really cared about me were overwhelming.
Later on there was a pivotal time when the boyfriend had come over to pick me up. I was able to sleep on the couch at his house on the weekends because he lived in a different town. He pulled up with his friend in his car with all of the windows smashed up. He said that they had been driving really fast and didn't see a stop sign ahead, swerved and rolled the car. No one was hurt but the car. They had been drinking and smoking pot and pulled up to the house in this condition. I was angry and didn't want to go. I asked my dad to go out and see if it was safe for me to go. I can remember sitting in a chair in the living room while the boyfriend stood at the door pleading for me to go with him. I said No. He said i was being stupid, I was being a baby about it. I wanted back up from my family but they all sat there smiling and saying it was up to me. Like they couldn't even see or understand that this guy had almost killed himself and his friend. I think that sent me over the edge, as they say. The boyfriend wouldn't shut up about it and i just went to stop the pressure. I felt like no one cared about me to back me up. I was so angry and let down.

Possible trigger:

Later this guy drove so crazy that I can remember coming to terms with my life as I was a passenger, that if I died it would be okay.

I ended up moving in with the boyfriends family. His parents were younger and more understanding. he had younger sisters and I really liked the family situation. I think it was the family that made me want to stay. My parents felt I had run away. My mother thought I was homeless in her mind. I tried to come home as much as possible because i felt so guilty about leaving... but I felt i couldn't come back home, into that same situation.

The boyfriend used to be all encompassed in my weight. While we were having tea and cookies with my parents he'd poke me in the little rolls of fat he could see, every time I reached for a cookie. I felt embarrassed and didn't want anyone to see what he was doing. He'd tell me when and what I could eat, even when I was starving. I know now my sugar was going low. I started doing starvation type diets, when in fact I wasn't overweight. (I had been overweight as a kid and so was sensitive to the, your fat, comments, emotions)
Don't you sometimes want to back into the past and change things? If I could go back in time and relay a message to my younger self it would be to stand up and get angry out loud, instead of always holding it in. With no thought of the damage my compliance was hurting me.

My thoughts for today.

[Fuzzybear]

Welcome to msf, Graciy