[DoroMona]

I work very closely with an older colleague who used to be my boss but now we are "equals" at least in the hierarchy. I'm very very close to this person; I'm on good terms with his wife and kids, we've traveled together for conference and even vacationed together a few times. etc. And we've worked together very closely, doing something called "pair programming" where you code together side by side. And we've pair-programmed in this way for many years and generated huge amounts of code. So it's been something of a partnership.

Recently I hired a new programmer who's really phenomenal. I've been supportive of him, given him projects he likes, never pushed him when he doesn't test his code because frankly it's really hard finding good employees and I wanted to keep him.

About five weeks ago, my colleague said he wanted the new programmer to clean up one of our bigger programs. I said OK. Then he started sitting with the new programmer to help him do "clean up." And almost immediately, my colleague doesn't want to work with me anymore and has given the new guy my project. This would be hurtful no matter what, but what I can't get over is that he didn't even discuss it with me for five minutes.

I didn't really fight or make a big stink about it. I guess deep down I think the new guy might be able to do a better job. But I can't get over my colleague giving away my code and project without even a discussion. I've been giving him the cold shoulder for weeks and he knows I'm upset. I also know that he wants to make peace, e.g. his wife invited me for dinner this past weekend (I said I had a headache and excused myself).

I've never been so depressed in my life. I'm crying all the time. Anything sets me off. I feel like I no longer really have a job since my project has been taken away, and like I no longer have value in the group. My SO has been trying to cheer me up but today warned me that they're at their limit (naturally that depressed me even more because now I have pressure to not feel depressed). I start to think I need a new job, but I'm terrified of leaving this group. I've worked with these people for over ten years and some of our projects are just starting to pan out. Honestly, I'm a weird and shy person and always felt it was a miracle that I found a group where I "fit in." Losing that sense of belonging has been really hard. Furthermore, we're developing a product that I had all kinds of dreams about, that it would mean a long-term future of expanding the product, distributing it, etc. That future also seems like it's just gone. Even though it's actually my project and my product, with five years of my hard work to develop all the code, I just don't care about it anymore and I feel like it has nothing to do with me. I've stopped going to the office and reading any emails about it (I told the new employee to write me updates everyday, and he does, but I started finding those updates unbearably depressing). We just hired another employee and I dumped him on my coworker. I didn't even bother meeting him.

I don't really feel like talking to my colleague. I feel there's no point. I don't want the project back. I'll never work/code with him again. If I vent at him, he'll just invalidate me and explain why all my feelings are wrong. It won't change anything. So I interact with him only when absolutely necessary for work. So in addition to everything else, I'm heartbroken over the loss of a friendship I've had for 10+ years.

I'm in total anguish... I feel hopeless like never before... And even if I want a new job, I have to stick it out in this one for at least another 2.5 years.

How do you pull yourself up when you're extremely depressed and triggered every day? I'm already sleeping plenty, exercising more and eating healthy...

[TheGal]

Oh (((( @DoroMona ))))

Firstly, you did a really good job of describing the situation...

You've been disrespected and are (seemingly) without any control over the situation. Your security, status and very livelihood feel at stake, at work and at home.

It is not easy to fight for yourself and confront someone, but it seems like you're going to have to find a way to ask your friend/coworker, why he deemed it necessary to take your project away from you and assign it to the new guy. This is hard to do particularly when you're shy and introverted. Could you try a Gestalt therapy technique called the 'empty chair technique' where, in this case, you practice what you want to really say to the person about the hurt they've caused and come up with a way to practice asking them the reason they've acted a certain way?

All is not lost, though, from what your described. Right now, you want another job to escape the situation of hurt and fear and sadness and deep down probably anger... but this job seems quite salvageable although it probably doesn't feel like it right now. You need to find a way to have some distance and gain perspective. I'd suggest writing it all down, pros/cons, feelings, fears, etc. in whatever way you feel is best suited to you... could be point form even. Get it all out. put it aside and then look at it at a time when you're feeling stronger, say like after you've exercised.

Depression can be soul crushing and it is not easy when you're SO says they've near reached their limit and now you feel as though you have to act like you're not depressed. That is so hurtful. It is good that you're here, on MSF, posting ...

I have a couple of book recommendations, and as I remember them, I realize that I ought to re-read them myself, as I've been extremely down lately... one is called BORN TO WIN by Dorthy Jongeward and Muriel James (the empty chair technique is in there) and the other is called MASTERING CHANGE by Ichak Adizes ("How to Lead Change for Exceptional Results with Collaborative Leadership").

They've both been helpful to me in the past and you can get them secondhand at abebooks.com, or perhaps on audible, if you prefer...

Also, another technique coming to mind is writing down good qualities about yourself... you could even ask someone close to you to help come you with positive adjectives. This could bolster your self-esteem which is negatively affected when we're depressed (it's like a chicken and egg scenario low self-esteem contributes to the depression and vice versa). For instance, I can tell that you are intelligent, well-written, inquisitive, intellectually curious to name a few.

Look at this list throughout the day. Also, write about a time when you were feeling good and what were the elements present then that helped you to feel good.

I hope what I've said to be helpful...

Sending you many good wishes...

[DoroMona]

Thanks so much for your detailed response. I will get those two books from the public library.

I think I already understand my colleague. He hates confrontation. He'll do anything to avoid it. I've experienced it before. He was either getting tired of working with me, or else thought the new guy would be better at the project, or just wanted a change. And I've always treated him incredibly well and with absolute tolerance, so I'm sure he just figured that he could just do whatever he wanted and I would get over it eventually. My SO also says I need to talk to him...but really, I truly believe there's no point. He'll say anything to wiggle out of it, manipulate me, convince me everything is fine so that I go away and let him do whatever he wants--and I'll be the one left with another painful situation to ruminate over for weeks or months.

Yes, the job is salvageable if I want... That's another reason I'm not talking to my colleague more than necessary. I think any dialogue right now will end up in me telling him I despise him and I quit. Better to avoid him and this convo for now...for a long time...maybe forever...

Sometimes I ask my SO for praise, to hear anything good about myself, but my SO doesn't get it. I only get comments like "you're cute" "you're really cute" "I like you a lot" etc. I try to explain that I want something tangible I can hold onto, but the response then is that I need to stop looking for validation from other people. I'm not close enough to anyone else to ask for it, so that's that...

I started writing down all my negative thoughts on sticky notes and putting them up, just to get them out and sort of face them and see that they're finite. I think that has helped... I come up with new ones sometimes, but it's slowed down. I will make the list of pros/cons, as you suggested... Unfortunately, there are so many strong pros for staying with my current job. The only con is that it's too painful and I feel I cannot endure it anymore.

[unaluna]

The thing that stuck out for me is that you dont yell at the newbie for not testing their code!!!

Hopefully your colleague will fix this bad bad bad habit.

It looks like they are developing a person who can be the backup and or take over this ONE program. In anticipation of your retirement or vesting? EDS rarely let people vest.

They could be looking at you to work on a new project, no? But please, tighten up on the testing.

[DoroMona]

He would run it on the one dataset he likes to work with. If it worked at all, then he'd come wanting to show me (and I'd always praise him...) and bugging me about what to do next. I'm too nice and was too scared of making him unhappy and having him quit... So I never pressured him to do the miserable task of running his code on all the other datasets... And often his code didn't work great on the first dataset anyway. For example, we might want to identify all the "features" in an image but his code identifies maybe 30%. But he'd be so stubborn about the algorithms and packages that he likes to use that I got worn out and stopped pressuring him.

No vesting. I own what I own, whether I stick it out or quit...