Fighting with my Wife

"Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation in which the abuser attempts to sow self-doubt and confusion in their victim's mind. Typically, gaslighters are seeking to gain power and control over the other person, by distorting reality and forcing them to question their own judgment and intuition."

How To Tell If Someone Is Gaslighting You | Newport Institute

Not remembering is gaslighting you, a form of abuse. Since she cannot remember, then in her perspective it never happened, and your perception of the interaction is denied any validation - therefore, she wins, and you lose. She cannot be called out, very conveniently, because she doesn't remember. And you lose your voice in the relationship.

The more you can educate yourself on abuse tactics, the better off you will be in recognizing that your wife is abusing you. I urge you to end this relationship. It is harmful to you.

My abusive narc husband always tells me I read into things and that I misinterpret his intent whenever he says something demeaning and disrespectful. NO. There IS NO misinterpretation - the comment is disrespectful. This is yet another form of gaslighting to get you to doubt yourself and your own perception of the abuse being inflicted upon you - it is all meant to confuse you and make you think it's on YOU, that they are innocent and that the problem lies with your own interpretation. That is brainwashing & manipulation - more abuse tactics.

PLEASE divorce this woman.

I’m sorry, I don’t mean to push you. We all leave when we’ve had enough and are ready to leave. Sometimes that can take time.

I'm not sure how long I can stay married to someone who calls me "pathetic" under her breath.... or who is doing such a good job of making me feel generally bad about myself lately.

I doubt we'll get divorced - but she can be hard to live with. It helps to be able to express what it is I'm going through and get some support.

It's up to you, but if you decide to separate or divorce, we'll support you. It does not sound like you are happy with her.

I still might get divorced - but right now I want to try to make things work - at least until I find out for sure whether or not we will win a large lawsuit. If we win the lawsuit - then it will be easier for us to split our finances and for each of us to go our separate ways. If we were to divorce now - because I make a lot less then she does, it will be a lot harder on me. In the meantime, I'm doing all I can to build my business.

It's been really frustrating over the last couple of years because I'll let her know that certain people and situations bother me and then I'll ask for her help. There was a time when I suggested that one solution would be for me to drive separately to various functions, then if things were to get too uncomfortable for me, I'd just leave. Instead of supporting me, she made a point of loudly telling the people I had issues with that I had driven separately and that I might leave. It was an obvious attempt to sabotage my (I thought it was our!) plan.

I expected her to think "he's telling me that sometimes things get too uncomfortable - so I will understand where he is coming from - and he will sometimes drive separately and leave various functions on his own"... the only reason I told her is so that she would understand why it was that I wanted to drive separately. Instead it appears that she told the people involved what was going on - sometimes loudly, in my presence. She even argues with me when I tell her I want to drive separately - and tries to talk me out of it.

It's gotten to the point where I don't feel comfortable sharing with her my most intimate thoughts.

Quite often her comments and actions suggest that she can't even hear my point of view - and sometimes it appears that she intentionally misunderstands.

It was this way with my abusive husband. I stopped sharing things with him because of the way he would react - and typically, he would have a condemning or a critical response, or he would argue with me, or he would twist what I said into something it wasn't at all and would seemingly intentionally misunderstand me or he would take what I said as an attack on him. Either way, it was always a negative response to whatever I shared that was intimate or vulnerable about myself, so I stopped sharing. When you stop sharing yourself and your vulnerabilities, it's not a good sign.

Your wife is supposed to have your back and to be supportive and understanding of you. Instead, she chooses to make a public issue out of you driving separately, and make it known to others that you may be uncomfortable This is not having your back - that is stabbing you in the back.

There is something else that happened last year when I had a TIA... she acted really weird about some of my health issues - like she was blaming me for them - and made me feel like I ought to be ashamed.

And then there is the fact that I have owned up to mistakes I've made in our marriage - and apologized - she has never acknowledged any mistakes or made any apologies. It's like she's pretending that she is never at fault.

I thought that our finances might change for the better next year... now it looks like it will be more like a minimum of 16 months.

Abusers never take responsibility or ownership for their mistakes and contribution to the issues. They are never at fault and so they never apologize or own up to any mistakes. They also will take vulnerability in their partner and will use it as a weapon against you, just like she did with your health issues. You are to blame, in her mind.

I had a headache as a result of my abusive husband yelling and screaming at me. He told me my headache was my own fault and my own doing. No sympathy, no ownership, only blame.

Maybe there is some room for hope. We had an argument today and she did own up to a few things (car issue - being over critical) - and actually apologized.

My husband too would apologize sometimes, but his apologies were insincere, I learned over time, because he would continue with the same behaviors, even after talking about it and after apologizing. See if she continues to be overly critical and blaming. If she is, then her apology is insincere. You also have to ask yourself, does the good outweigh the bad, or do all the bad things outweigh the good? I made a list for myself, and once I saw all the bad things in black and white writing, it far outweighed anything good and I had my decision. Perhaps for you there is enough good, but perhaps not. I do not know, only you know. For me, the bad things were intolerable and unacceptable behaviors - once I knew this, that they were all dealbreakers, it was easier to make my decision.

She can definitely be sneaky - I say "I don't like that you did this..." she replies "There have been plenty of times when i didn't do it". I say "This is the issue I want to talk about" she replies "You brought this up a while back". She makes obvious attempts to confuse the issue and avoid the issue.

When she says "there are plenty of times when I didn't do it", she is invalidating you, and she is dismissing and deflecting the issue you've brought to her attention. Instead, the healthy caring response would be, "Oh I'm really sorry that bothered or hurt you. I will be mindful of your feelings and will not do that again". And when she says "you brought this up a while back", again she is not validating you and treats it as though it's a nuisance to her because it's been brought up before. Yes, these are tactics used to confuse and avoid any real discussion or resolution. With abusers, there is never any resolution to the issues you bring to their attention because they refuse to talk about it, to validate you, or to resolve it in a healthy manner.

I've let her know that her family uses things that she says (about me, about our marriage) to them against me - so I've asked her to be careful about what she says to them ( I even gave her specific examples). She promised to do so - and says she doesn't share things - but it keeps happening. We were talking about buying a new house - apparently she told them how much we were thinking about spending - because 2 separate people brought up the specific amount and referenced buying houses - and yet she denies telling them.

Her denying that she said anything to her family is more gaslighting. Gaslighting is an abuse tactic used to confuse you, invalidate you and to make you question your perception and reality.

Some thoughts - I do tend to share more about my inner thoughts and feelings than most people around me. For years I've wanted her to deal differently with those things I share - it isn't happening. I guess I'll have to learn to keep my thoughts to myself. The less I tell her about what's going on inside - what I'm thinking about - things that bother me - the better. I have had some successes over the last few years - as far as my own peace of mind goes - by focusing on goals.

It's a hard lesson to learn. My wife does some pretty crappy things.

I'm trying to take a more light-hearted view of what's going on, and what I can do to change.

Perhaps in 2 years I can look at divorce again - in the meantime I'll continue to work on what I can - specifically my own finances and mental well-being.

I'm working on ways to distract myself. Lately I've been binge-watching Only Murders in the Building, gaming, and reading. I'm also working how to respond when she is obviously trying to push my buttons. - it really doesn't seem to make much sense to confront her - she just denies and/or claims she can't remember.

I would like to continue to find ways to make her uncomfortable when she is obviously playing mind games on me.

I think she may be a little afraid of divorce. She brought it up before I ever did... something like "now don't divorce me if we win this lottery"

Divorce can be scary and being alone again can be scary for many people. Many will stay in a bad marriage because they're too afraid to pull that band aid off and be alone.

I was scared myself - but I'll tell you something - the more time that goes on, the easier it is becoming for me to be alone. I am now getting used to it and it's actually quite nice! I enjoy my own company and have been enjoying the peace and solitude without my husband ruining every day for me.

How long have you been divorced?

I'm not divorced yet, it's in progress. We separated over 2 months ago and that's about how long I've been on my own. It's getting far easier with each day that passes!

Right now I'm just trying to act like a good roommate. Confronting her doesn't work. I just want to live in peace as much as I can. Talking with her or doing things with her aren't much fun right now.

We've both said and done things that we regret. Some of the issues that are really getting to me now are the same issues I saw when we were dating. We did some couples counseling years ago, but it didn't help. I agree that she probably needs to own up and get some help for her issues... but I doubt that will ever happen. I'd be pleasantly surprised if it did happen, though.

Do you have support from family/friends? A support group?