Regret

Kudos to you and your daughter. Talking it through with the other person can be healing, I am sure.
Some 16 years ago, I befriended a man online and we talked of many dark things. He went and hurt someone and then he committed suicide. Little of this is confirmed, but it is what I pieced together over the years and for all intents and purposes to me it is true.
I cannot talk it through with the victim. I do not know her name and I wouldn't reach out to her even if I did. It is not my place to ... ask for forgiveness? retraumatize her? etc.
I was still a teen then, if barely. He was in his 40s. We were very bad for each other. The thing is that the violent fantasies I had on and off from the age of 6 never left after this.

Leaving is something I have tried, and failed at. When I moved back to my home town, I wondered if it would bring up things from the past and was determined to work through them if it did. And, well, it did and I am.
I can't say I wasn't prepared for the emotional wall I am facing, and I don't regret starting to work through this, but it doesn't make it easier. The rare moments/ periods where I am "free" show me the person I would be if that aspect of me weren't a part of me. But it is and while I have troubles accepting it, I do identify with it, if that makes sense... it's like a ball I drag behind myself. I'm chained to it. Picking it up and throwing it away at best leads to me comically flying through the air for a second and crashing into it after.
I don't think this is situational. It's always a part of me, no matter where I go. It's just worse here, which may be ideal to working through it.

See my post above ^^^ for an outline of what troubles me most. I will spare you the details. This forum is mainly for victims. My position is more on the opposite side of the victim-perpetrator spectrum.
I did not do the best I could back then. I was neglected, emotionally, by my family. Other than that there is not much evidence of abuse (aside from spanking, that is). My education is above average, as is my social background.
There were factors beyond my control that caused my rage and my anger. But writing and thinking and planning dark things? That was me taking back control. I never before, nor since, felt that empowered and free.
Perhaps with some stretching I can have compassion with my teenagers rage, but what she did was not okay. How she chose was not okay. And I fear the choices I might make in the future.

Perhaps. I do worry still though. What if I at some point break with reporting things to T? Like now, even, I feel a strong pull to watch shows about dark things, and while I do report if I do, I have not reported the urge. There are loopholes, and what if I at some point not decide to be honest at all? If that were the case it would be much better if I were not already in a place where I could cause damage.
T and I do have an accountability net in place, though. I designed it, even. I'm a little bit proud of that, as weird as that may be. It's really just a few scales and some context information I write down in a structured way on a daily basis.

T said that. But I never served my sentence.

You should feel proud imo of the accountability net you designed and put in place with your T, everything you’ve written indicates you’ve been thinking and working hard with all this.

I understand a little more now about what you’ve been dealing with, thank you for explaining. I’m certainly no expert but I can see you’ve been experiencing some complex emotions and thoughts with your move back to your home town.

Childhood emotional neglect must be a significant experience, hoping that’s being addressed in therapy. I’m glad you write that it’s a victim perpetrator spectrum because few of us are either one or the other, and it’s very common to have experienced both at different times in life. There were likely parts of you that were a victim, within childhood emotional neglect.

I understand you write you didn’t have a sentence/punishment or at least not one imposed on you externally. It sounds like you may well have punished yourself many times over the years with regret.

On the subject of volunteering I wonder if a safer position where you aren’t in direct contact with anyone deemed vulnerable might be most appropriate? When I first began volunteering 10 years ago I was so lacking confidence in my interpersonal skills I started off doing basic admin for a charity, it was still a positive contribution and I gained in all sorts of ways from it. There’s all sorts of roles out there to consider.

I'm not sure why I reacted the way I did. I guess it's one of many unanswerable questions. Childhood emotional neglect must be part of the answer, in my case. Feeling like I never existed, unless for a specific purpose, isn't a productive foundation for life. I'd wage my good small right toe that most other people have a more productive reaction than resorting to violent fantasies, though. I've only been in therapy for about a year. We haven't yet gone very deep into my childhood. T has tried once, to introduce inner child work, but I am not in touch with my inner child sufficiently to do this so far.

I have punished myself emotionally. It's what keeps me grounded. At least that's my opinion, T sometimes seems to think differently, but he is not very outspoken in this regard.

Regarding volunteering, I'll think about it. It might take some time to become comfortable with that thought... also my schedule for the next 6 months does not allow it.

To hold yourself eternally accountable to your past is to bind yourself eternally to a restricted future - you cannot delve the depths of life while hang-ups hold you back. Let go and bloom into a person whose freedom from guilt allows them to embrace the moment in a full body hug.


Guilt serves a purpose - to help make you a better person. Once that lesson is learned, guilt is no longer necessary. Let it go.

How do you define when the lesson is learned?

I would personally think it would be a good indication of a lesson being learned if you both experience regret and would make a different choice given a similar situation in the future. What do you think?

Quote:

Originally Posted by Discombobulated I would personally think it would be a good indication of a lesson being learned if you both experience regret and would make a different choice given a similar situation in the future. What do you think?

Yes, sometimes that different choice can initially just be in your mind, telling yourself if this ever happens again, this is what I will focus on doing. I have lots of those in my mind. Thankfully repeat situations haven't come up, but I am prepared if they do. Kinda uses the DBT mindfulness thinking to be aware of the things & prepared

I would nowadays. Guess I worry about the future me though. I suppose that doesn't make too much sense either, does it..? Can't change the past, nor the future, only the present..?
You guys have given me a lot to think about. Thank you. I'm glad I shared.