[Cerialbox]

I have a complicated childhood memory. Ive suppressed this for a few years and I feel it's time to work through the emotions.

Possible trigger:

When I was younger my brother would ask to kiss me. It started out simple and harmless. He wanted "practice" for the future. I'm younger than him and I looked up to him so I thought it was OK. Than it progressed.
I wish my parents caught on to how excited he was to see me naked. How often he would talk about my parts. How we'd slap each others bums as a joke. I remember knowing what he really wanted, but nobody else understood.

I tried to stop his behavior. I'd explain the way I felt to my parents. Beg him to stop. Put up walls and eventually, cut off most intimacy. It wasn't enough, he was persistent. Nobody asked him to stop or explained why it was wrong.

Next, I was older. old enough to know. I guess the circumstance made it feel ok. I thought it would be funny to whisper ASMR into my brothers ear. He didn't react the way I expected, he liked it. So I continued, I felt wanted or loved. I licked his ear and neck all while whispering. I new it turned him on. It turned me on too. We want as far as calling the licking "sex".

And now, the final instance. I was probably 13 or 14. The power went out so I was just chatting with my brother. (To be completely honest I've tried to forget this memory so the details aren't accurate.) The conversations somehow led to me licking his neck again. The air got thick and uncomfortable. I knew I took it to far. We sat in silence for a few seconds before he asked to ouch my clit. In response, I just played dumb and asked what a clit was. The the power came back on just a moment later.

I feel like a freak. I knew exactly what I was doing. The way I'd act upon him was disgusting. The way I'd egg him on. I'm so upset at myself.

Are my parents and is my upbringing an excuse? I'm trying to to find a reasonable explanation. I'm searching for a way to rationalize it but I can't. Apart of me feels like it's really all my fault.

[Yaowen]

I am so sorry you are struggling with these heavy burdens related to your relationship with your brother.

Responsibility is something, I think, that involves degrees. There are many obstacles to the full exercise of choice: gaps in knowledge and awareness, behavior affected by powerful emotions and even maturity.

What reduces voluntariness reduces responsibility, I believe. Those who have not reached full adulthood often are moved by things that do not proceed from the deepest parts of who they are.

They are simply too immature to have the ability to deliberate about things the way adults do. That is why, even in the legal system there are separate courts for adults and for minors.

So I do not think you should blame yourself for what happened to you. Even if you had a part in what transpired I serious doubt that you were mature enough at the time to will such things from the deepest part of your being.

Do you think you would find it helpful to talk over these things with a professional psychotherapist? Sometimes professionals can help when we are perplexed and burdened by mental pain.

Sometimes we lose perspective when we are bothered by things. We get so focused on them that we lose the big picture. Good and bad form a range of values. At one end are people like genocidal dictators responsible for the destruction of tens of millions of men, women and children through campaigns of genocide and forced starvation. People like Hitler and Stalin.

You have not done anything that has resulted in the destruction of tens of millions of people, or even millions, or even hundreds of thousands, or even tens of thousands, or even thousands, or even hundreds and so on.

If you did some things in your past that you wish you hadn't done, remember to try to keep perspective. It might be helpful to you. I don't know.

Maybe influenced by emotions, curiosity, stress and immaturity, you made mistakes. We all mistakes and especially when we are young. But there are big mistakes and little ones. I can't see that you made any big mistakes, I mean mistakes that caused the destruction of tens of millions of people. Do you see what I mean?

So I think you should be gentle to yourself and merciful. Part of being loving and kind and merciful human beings is showing kindness and mercy to ourselves, especially when we are hurting.

Sorry I do not know how to ease your pain. Hopefully others here will have better words for you than my poor words!

[mote.of.soul]

Yeah, I can understand why you'd feel emotionally conflicted and repulsed by what happened back then, because you're a responsible adult now. But you have to remember you were kids, children, back then, even when you were young teens (I'm assuming your brother is two years older than you, max). It's very normal for children to be perhaps exploring and wondering about sexual matters because it's something they observe in the adult world frequently: tv, magazines, things in society in general etc.

Anyway, I just want to say you're not a 'freak'. You did nothing wrong, and you're not that innocent child anymore. It's time to let go and heal your inner self now.🙏