I let my brother go.

I have been hell bent on never letting my brother go. I've missed him terribly everyday since he died. All I could do was point out all the ways things were no longer the same. How nothing will ever be the same, and how that is both horrible and okay because life isn't a straight line it is a mess of lines we can't really connect. It's a mess of missing and wants and hating the fact that someone I adored so deeply was taken so early from everyone, how he didn't get the chance to be his age ever. I regretted the things he never regretted.

When I was in the hospital for IP, I thought of him a lot. He was in that hospital too. And I imagined what his days were like. Where he found comfort in the same place. And I realized in all the missing, in all the pain, I forgot small things about him. Like the fact he always wrote in his journals upside down. His laugh. How he smiled after you truly amused him. And those memories made me truly smile for the first time in over a year.

I sat with myself a few times this week, going over everything. I told myself "missing him doesn't mean I can't smile about him". I was too scared to say "I let you go, now.". I don't know what there is after death. But I know we give off energy when we die. Atoms leave us and travel on to form new life. So where ever that life is, I hope it's a happy one. And now, since I let him go, I felt this huge weight leave me. Like I could breathe properly for the first time in so long that my lungs weren't used to it at all.

By letting him go, I don't mean I wont miss him. I will miss him everyday. I have just finally accepted that he is gone now. Life is different. And it's okay for me to struggle with it. But life will continue to move. And instead of his physical being, being here, the world is not fortified with our memories of him and the life he lived to it's fullest extent.

I will miss him till the day I die. I always will. But it was time to let him go.
And I feel like this was something big of me to do. And for the first time in forever I am proud of myself.

This is one of the most inspiring things I have ever read. It's so amazing how you were able to come to terms with your brothers death and truly miss him in a healthy way. It gives me hope that someday I can do the same thing. Thank you and I'm very proud of you as well.

It really is a very huge shift for you, one definitely to be proud of. I didn't have a lightbulb moment concerning my brother's death. I didn't even have a choice in not letting him go, his brutal passing was in the news papers, I was interviewed, etc, there was just no opportunity in denying he was taken from me. I was basically forced to let go due to circumstances.

I do however remember realizing that not crying doesn't mean I miss him any less, and that I don't have to feel guilty if his name doesn't evoke instant tears.

It is a profound and healthy realization to come to, knowing that letting go never means forgetting.

I'm really proud that you are moving forward in this grieving process, too many of us become stuck in one phase. Sadly I think my eldest sister is 1 of the stuck ones, but its her process, she needs to figure out how to navigate it, and its not for me to instruct her how to grieve...

I'm rambling sorry you just got me thinking.

Happy for you that you have come to terms with your loss. I too have loss two brother's my champions my friends one in 2008 the other in 2011. It was very hard at first sometime I still can't believe that they are both gone but I too have come to terms that I won't hear they voice anymore or see they smiling faces but they both live on in my heart and my memories. I get together with my brother's friends the one that passed in 2008 every year on his birthday and we celebrate him. And we always have a wonderful time.

My brother that I loss in 2011 I celebrate him too on his birthday not with his friends but with my family and that too is a time of joy. Yes! we will miss them and always forever love them.

I celebrate you today and give you a big

I think you have made a great break through. I'm proud for you.

Thank you all so much <3 It really does, as always, mean a lot.