How do I get over irrational jealousy?

My elderly father, who needs a lot of support, lives with my brother and his girlfriend, who moved in about a year ago just a couple months after they started dating.

His girlfriend is a really good person and wonderful with my father, and I'm grateful that she is taking care of him so well.

However, I'm also very jealous of the relationship that they've developed, and it's obvious that this is the case. I'm polite with her, but my displeasure shows in my body language and facial expressions.

She's also a fairly assertive person, which I tend to dislike (I realize this is another 'me' problem), and this is what mostly irks me, I think -- somebody directing me about my father's care. Also, in the beginning, she seemed downright competitive and possessive about my father. It felt quite offputting and a bit weird.

She has backed off quite a bit when my sister and I visit, saying she'll give us some 'space' (which I also find annoying for some reason), but the whole situation is still getting on my nerves, and I'm ashamed that I'm jealous of this lovely woman and being so petty. And that what is a great situation, really, is getting on my nerves.

Help!

Oh nuhlinga - I think it's pretty normal to be having these feelings.

On one hand, it's good she's taking care of your dad, but on the other it's like you're getting pushed out.

Can you invite your father somewhere on neutral territory just to connect with him one on one? Maybe you need to have a bigger role in his life? Or for the time you do spend with him, ensure that it is quality time?

I appreciate your reply. Actually, just having somebody understand how I could be feeling helps me to feel better about the whole situation.

I would not call the feeling irrational. Based on your description, iit is rooted in reality.

This woman may seem nice but this is YOUR father and you should not feel you are intruding when you visit him.

A few months after writing this post, I feel much better. Paradoxically, by admitting to myself that I just don't like this woman (and she very probably doesn't like me either), instead of tying myself in knots trying to logic my way out of negative feelings.

She has the very character traits that just happen to grate on me (bossiness, competitiveness). And elder care is a tricky situation for a family generally in any case.

However, I realize I can not like her while also being grateful for the care she's shown for my father and grateful that my brother has a great partner.

It's mutual civility that counts in this situation, I think.

Thanks to my brother's girlfriend, my dad got a place at a nursing home. They could no longer manage and did well to keep him at home this long. Thankfully, my father understands and is taking it better than expected.

I should feel endlessly grateful, but, once again, don't. The communication around it disturbed me. We knew Dad was going to be put on the home list, but when they actually did put him on the list and toured nursing homes, they didn't mention it to me or my sister. I found out when something was very casually mentioned during a visit with dad/them. I asked my brother to let my sister and me know the status quo, and he emailed a list of the homes with a couple of notes. I still asked for a formal family meeting to all be on the same page. At the meeting, we're told Dad's on the 'crisis' list and could be put in a home anywhere between two days and two months, and we'd have one day to accept the placement. Even my brother didn't realize that was the situation until the meeting!

What was done was in the best interest of my father, and it took a lot off me and my sister's shoulders. But my intuition is STILL telling me to keep my distance. The lack of transparency really gave me pause, and I am relieved to no longer need to feel a further sense of obligation to her. Anyway, I just needed to vent before finally putting this conflict to bed. Thanks to everyone who offered comments.

The nursing home supply of beds is just barely adequate to meet the need. Vacancies generally come up when patients die, which happens when it happens. It's not something they can schedule. Those vacancies get filled very, very quickly. Every general hospital has social workers who speak to the local nursing homes every day to keep track of where the vacancies are.

Your brother's girlfriend seems to have a few traits that I would find off-putting too. I once heard a sermon, where the homilist said there is a good reason why we are commanded to love each other, but not to *like* each other. You can choose to behave lovingly toward anyone. You cannot choose to like someone. We are not in control of who we like. You've done well to adopt a civil manner with this gal and recognize that she was of real service to your dad.

When a parent can't cope alone any longer, I think all the children should be involved in placing the parent in longterm care. For some reason, that's just not how it often goes. My sister placed my father, without having much discussion with me beforehand. That was forgivable, since I live 2000 miles away. It sounds like you're reasonably near where your father lives, so for your brother to include you would have been less difficult. But I think you're wise not to take that too much to heart.

I worked geriatrics for many years, so I have some insight into what families go through making care decisions for aging parents. It brings chaos into some families, so you and I didn't fare too badly. If your dad's nursing home is not at a long distance from you, I will offer one recommendation. More frequent shorter visits are better than infrequent lengthy visits. Elders love looking forward to a visit and remembering it. But having company tires them. Find out what limits, if any, there may be on how often your dad can leave the facility. It will be a nice treat for him to go off with you for lunch or dinner now and then. Coordinate with your brother over the holidays. At least once or twice, you could all do this together. Other times, you can have an outing that's just your dad and you. I wish your dad well in this placement.

I greatly appreciate your reply. I do realize as family dynamics go, we're certainly not the worst, but it just helps to vent sometimes, and get advice.
I'll bear in mind the advice about more frequent, shorter visits. I think going forward we'll have a sort of informal roster situation so we can spread out the visits.
He's been in the home for a little over a week. No getting around that this is a brutal transition.
However, this Thanksgiving, I spent the day with him, and then the rest of the family came and we ate in 'family dining'. That worked out very well.