Constantly triggered

It’s not for me to tell you what to do HH but I’d urge you to explore how you feel within yourself after looking at their social media? Do you feel better or worse? If the answer is worse (I’m going to guess it may be) then staying away from their pages at least or possibly even social media altogether might be a good idea. What do you feel?

I feel it's best and healthiest NOT to look -

admittedly and sheepishly I can say it's very compulsive and obsessive on my part - I know it's not a good idea -

but I want to see if he looks happy. And he hasn't posted ANY public pics of them on HIS profile, only SHE is posting pics public photos of them.

What I also find to be interesting is he changed his background image yesterday, and it's a photo that he had taken when he was with me, of a flower garden when we picked sunflowers together. What does THAT say?

Not only THAT, but photos of us together are still up on his profile, in his profile photos section - like 4 of them. So that's interesting too. Why hasn't he removed them?

Please just humor me for a moment - what do you think all of these things mean or say?

I posted on my facebook abuse support group about it. They all basically said to not let my emotions get the best of me, to hold my head high, and to ignore him/them if I run into them in town. It's so freaking hard. I feel he is still abusing me, even a year and a half after our divorce, by moving so close to me and by being able to keep a close eye on me. It's so very triggering. I cannot help my anxieties when they come up. I still want to confront him in front of her about moving into my neighborhood. It's sooooo hard not to want to do that.

I'm so vengeful. I made "public" so he can see all my happy posts since our divorce. I want him to believe I am living the best life without him.

I hope you really can live your best life, not that someone else will think you’re living it. I think when you work towards that best life even just the process of it will lighten your mind.

If you focus on your ex and his gf it will take so much energy from you and the life you could be working on.

I know you're right. Ever since he moved closer to me, I cannot shake him from my mind. Thoughts of him are intrusive and invade my space. I was doing sooo much better during the year after our divorce, and before he moved close to me. Now it feels nearly impossible to shake thoughts of him from my mind.

He did this on purpose. It was revenge. And he got his revenge alright. I am not living my best life - I am still living in the nightmare of him - I am reliving the nightmare of him, and he did this to me.

How do I live comfortably, in safety and in peace, with him living right down the street from me, and with him being able to spy on me and my home as he pleases?

It's a prison. I am back in his prison all over again and I cannot escape.

8 more months until I can move - how do I survive 8 more months of this HELL?

That’s a very tough situation, you are physically nearby, the only way you can escape at this time is through your mind. Keeping your focus on things other than him. At least until you can move away.

Is there any sort of project you can apply yourself to? Maybe something you always wanted to do but always put off? I find if I’m physically occupied and my mind is in practical mode I do better.

I did think of volunteering, joining a singing group, and joining an outdoor activities group. I haven't made a move yet, but I think I will. If I don't do something, I'm afraid I may go a bit insane in this awful situation.

Those ideas all sound good, we all need activities to keep us sane HH you’re certainly not alone. It’s time to focus on you and your well-being.

Yes, it is. I am having trouble stopping myself from thinking about them as a couple being right down the street from me.

What is getting me the most is knowing he did this to me on purpose, to steal my happiness and to make me miserable. And it's working. He wins.

Well, there’s another aspect to consider, he hasn’t stopped you accessing mutual support through your good friend you mentioned here. He also is unable to stop you accessing support here at msf. He may have tried a power game but his power really is limited.

That's true - good perspective to have!!! TY.

I am seething so bad right now with anger that my jaw is tensing up and clamping. I feel it running and coursing through my veins.

I want to throw raw eggs on his car... I want to flatten all 4ires, I want to throw objects at him - I want him to fall off the planet. I was going to pay off 10K of my debt with my upcoming bonus. Now, because of him, I have to spend the majority of my work bonus moving and on moving expenses - all because of him moving into my neighborhood. I LOVE where I live, and I LOVE my home! I have all conveniences of the city and the country nearby and I am central to everything. I live close to my mother. I now, I have to move homes, when before he moved into my neighborhood, I had decided I wanted to stay in my current home as long as I can - for many years to come - I love it that much.

I am so freaking bitter. This is NOT fair. It is SO unjust. Not only did he abuse me for 5 years and made my life incredibly stressful, deeply distressing, and hurtful, but now to boot I have to spend 6-7K moving, money that would have paid off a large portion of my debt.

Understand why I want to egg him and flatten his tires? And why I wish him off the planet?

I hope his terrible karma comes back around, as it should.

@Discombobulated I want to thank you for all your support.

You asked me recently if I challenge my thoughts about my ex husband, and that really made me stop and think. I now find myself challenging thoughts of nostalgia or longing, which I've felt recently despite all.

So thank you, from the bottom of my heart. I appreciate you.

@Have Hope

Hi Hope! I got a lot to say on this one. I hope you'll hear me out.

First off, thank you for your support in my situation over the years. I really appreciate it, and appreciate you.

My ex wife is a very beautiful woman. You've heard me say that before. You and I are of a similar age. She is a natural beauty and has a face, hair, and figure that would look great on a 35 year old.

People can say "Looks don't matter" but looks matter. We are made in our biology to seek out physically attractive partners.

Who am I? A former farm boy and construction worker, who moved up into a desk job. My oldest is a competitive strength athlete and I'm his coach. I have some visible muscle on me, but also a middle-aged dad bod because I like coffee and burgers a lot.

People have told me my wife picked me because I was the guy who could look after a lot; renovate the house, physical outdoor play with the kids, repair and maintain the vehicles. And if I couldn't, I knew a guy. We need to get the trees trimmed. I know a guy. We need extensive work on one of the cars. I know a guy. We're changing out the heating system in the house? I know a guy. I was also someone who was OK working a lot. She couldn't work? I'll do more. She's sick? I'll take over with the kids completely. She's got special diets? That's not much fun. I'll learn to cook like that.

I'm someone who makes a solid income, but nothing outrageous. I have to plan for Christmas. I don't travel internationally at all. Etc.

Who does a beautiful woman without family responsibilities date after becoming single in her 40's? She dates well. Really, really well.

I can't compete with those guys. I've heard about her trips, the concerts she's travelled to, the cars she's driving now, the big apartment she has, but in court she says she's only making $25k a year.

In my experience..... Quit torturing yourself!

I dream of karma for her, but it might not happen. People who live outside of the accepted rules of decency aren't bound by the same morals as the rest of us.

I dream of telling her dates and her new circle of friends who she really is, but do you think they'd listen? They are birds of a feather, all of them.

Why did your husband follow you around the house arguing about a hairbrush? To get a response. Why did he pick so many issues? To get a response. You gotta quit responding.

Quit trying to out-do him on social media. I'd love to try to do that. But these people have a turtle shell around them. You aren't going to hurt them. You aren't going to trigger introspection. They aren't like us. Your interactions with him, or seeing social media stuff will hurt you so much more than it will ever hurt him. In every interaction, you are more emotionally vulnerable than him.

I said above that I can't compete with the guys and the friends my wife's got now. You know why? Because we are playing different games. I'm playing the game of being happy, finding peace, providing stability for my kids, building a solid future for all of us. She's playing a game of extraction, and so are the people around her.

The guys she's dating now won't love her, but she thinks this is what love is; erratic, exploitative, and transactional. OK.... Go do that. I can't.

Does it HURT to see the woman I loved, my beautiful wife, with these very attractive, accomplished guys? You're effing right it hurts! So, I don't go looking for it, and I sure as heck don't try to compete with it.

My current therapist cut right through all this stuff for me. She said, "You aren't strong enough to interact with her yet. Avoid her. Focus on you until you are stronger. The first steps are, make no room for her in your life. Remove all traces of her from your home. Block all social media interactions with her. Do fulfilling things for you. Spend time and money on things you enjoy and find peace in. Do this until you have enough peace that she doesn't shake you when you see her."

Hope.... You can't compete with him in this stuff. You're playing a different game than him. He's not seeking betterment, or peace, or happiness, or fulfillment. And the thing about toxicity is that it is contagious. It will creep into your life if you interact with him.

RDMercer

@RDMercer, thank you, I appreciate you chiming in on my thread and I appreciate your perspective and thoughts, even though mine are slightly different.

The difference is I feel very strong - I feel powerful. And just this morning I adopted that perspective.

He can't contact me, or else I will get a restraining order, just as I had threatened to him early last April. That was our actual last communication.

When I have spotted him in the neighborhood at a store, I have avoided all contact. And there's been 3-4 instances where I have spotted him.

I caught eyes with him in early August in a parking lot at a concert, just as was walking to our car with a male friend of mine, and as my ex was driving right by us. We caught eyes, and he put on a sad puppy dog look but I remained blank and unaffected. I looked away, held my head high and kept walking unphased by it.

And today, I am drawing strong boundaries. I have mentally placed a huge brick wall between my side of the neighborhood and his side. He cannot penetrate my side - even if he drives by my home.

He doesn't get access to me anymore - and on social media? I am only making certain posts public so that if he spies on me with another account - a secret account, and I believe he has one because I found it - well, he will see that I have made new friends, that I've been traveling, that I've been enjoying life without him, and that I am thriving at work. So be it if he can access those photos - I want him to. I want him to know that he could not kill me, as he had hoped. He can't touch me - he cannot be with me. I am happy on my own, is what I want to communicate. And that for me is most empowering.

I haven't physically been face to face talking to him since last Feb. That was the last time I had given him any real access to me. And i had let down my guard then, mistakenly. Well, never again. Never again will I speak to him. And therein lies my power. I will not allow it.

"The difference is I feel very strong - I feel powerful. And just this morning I adopted that perspective."

Yeah.. BIG difference.

Awesome.

RDMercer

@RDMercer ... I heard from family and a close friend that I need to take my own power back. So I am.

I cannot dictate nor control where he lives or what he does. but I can control myself and my own reactions.

Thank you so much for this passage. I copied it and will try to practice this mantra in my head.