Still not over someone

It's been a year since I broke up with my girlfriend, we were a long distance couple for 1,5 years

I ended the relationship. I've seen problems from the start, but still tried to fix them for months which was irresponsible. I always tried to be patient and care for her, but eventually I was hurting myself and later realised this will go nowhere as she did not seem engaged in fixing the relationship. She had her own issues as well and I've barely convinced her to seek professional help

A few weeks before the breakup she noticed things are not going well between us, it was worse than usual, so she began what I suspect was to search for another partner without my knowledge
On one of our last arguments she admitted to having downloaded tinder without my awareness to "seek friends", which sounded ridiculous judging what kind of app this is. She also joined some fb LGBT+ groups for meeting people before, where I've noticed the posts were mostly about searching for a partner. I thought about breaking up with her for a while and her telling me that she downloaded tinder was the breaking point. I told her that it's over, because the trust between us is dead if she does things like these behind my back. She tried to convince me that she has changed in probably just a week after that, but I left anyways because this sounded like a total mockery. No one changes in a few days

I still dream about her and think about her. She is the only person I feel attracted to. I can not imagine closure with anyone else and no one seems romantically interesting for me. I can't help but still feel something for her. I imagine her in romantic activities with me despite what she has done to me and can not put anyone else in her place in those imaginations
But in my dreams there is a lot of aggression, I dream about physically hurting her and I think feeling betrayed is the reason. There was also physical violence in my house when I was a child so this may be where my behaviour in the dreams comes from

Is anyone here who was in a similar situation before? Do you have any tips about how I can process these emotions? Is time the only medicine for me to finally get over her? I just want to feel indifferent while thinking about her and finally move on. I feel like you rarely see people still not being over someone after a year when the relationship was just horrible

It sounds like you created this ideal image of her very early in the relationship, which kept the bond afloat much longer than it should have. But even though you identified the liberties you were giving her (at your expense) , it doesn't sound like you ever confronted that ideal image of her and put that to bed. This is why you still have moments of feeling as you did when the two of you were still together, because you have not dissolved this ideal image of her, which is likely rooted in what you hoped it would become. You need to step back and see the bigger picture. She never was the person you wanted or needed her to be. Physical attraction is just low hanging fruit your emotions cling to in order to justify the feelings you possess. Your emotions are still triggered by this because you never rationalized for yourself that none of this was ever anchored in truth. Your mind is still trying to cater to and "fix" what you believe can sustain that vision. This ideal image was created to cater to your emotions that also house the instincts created from your childhood which experienced moments of violence. It makes sense that your scars are trying (in your dreams) to vanquish this image that constantly inflicts pain. In other words you're fighting against this pain. What you need to accept is this ideal image of her is false. That idea of her never existed. It was a manifestation of what you had always hoped to find in another person. She was just a doorway to that possibility, but NOT the actual result of what you thought. Let her go. You're chasing a ghost that doesn't exist and its hurting you inside because you still want to believe in that vision.

You can find happiness in another person, but you must first release yourself of this false notion that she ever constituted the qualities you wrapped her in (and quite honestly never earned). We all have done this in our lives. Its very easy to cherry pick what we want to see in people, careers, or life situations to avoid the pain of accepting what is really there. Its easy to embrace a fantasy and allow it to be embodied in something (or someone) physically. But there's a time to understand the difference and break free of that allusion and accept what is truth and move forward. I wish you much happiness in your pursuits.

Thank you so much for your message
Although I'm not really sure how to confront the ideal image of her, because I don't think I still blindly believe in one. I did rationally analise the situation countless times, and I even try to consciously stop myself from having irrational fantasies about having a partner that involve her. I thought many times about all her traits, positive and negative ones, I can tell she was not the one for me and I even try to control myself to let go of the fantasies that happen in my mind. So why, even though my mind seems well programmed, my subconscious and emotions can't let go of her? I want to let her go, but I just struggle to imagine anyone else being so close to me even if I no longer want her with me as well

Well there's a difference between telling yourself someone was no good and actually believing what you're saying to yourself. Lets use an analogy here to illustrate that point. Lets say you're at a fair and you're starving, so you go to this booth that has the best pictures of food you like and the price is right. Well you order that food to satisfy that hunger. But after trying it, you realize that not only was it not as good as you thought, but you end up getting a really bad stomach ache that puts you on the toilet for a half hour. When that clears up, you're now not only weak from that experience, but you're still weak from not eating good. Are you going back to that same booth because the pictures still look good? Probably not, because emotionally you're no longer tied to the picture of the food, but what eating it did to you. Chances are good you will find a different booth and look closer at the food itself and not rely on pictures.

Now lets use that analogy with this girl. You have this great picture of her in your mind, but what you got was not what you imagined it to be. The picture was better than the reality of the person. So why are you still hung up on the picture? Well its because emotionally you're still trying to reconcile that the experience you received did not add up to the picture you have in your mind. In other words, emotionally you don't want to believe what your mind is telling you, probably because the answers do not give you the satisfaction the picture did. So you really have two courses of action here. You can apply this analogy and see if reason and emotion finally shake hands on why the experience is not worth going through again. Or you can seek her out once more and reexperience that belly ache and possibly get something much worse that finally aligns your emotions with what you mind is telling you. I don't believe its anymore complex than that. Experience is a great teacher! And what I believe is true for all situations is that we don't always fully register the answers to our problems until we have emotionally had enough. Sometimes that requires more than one trip to the booth. I hope this helps.

I think you've done a good self-assessment. I would agree that a year after a breakup is a long time to be still obsessing over her. Then again, five years is a very lengthy involvement. So it's not unnatural to still think about her. Time will definitely lessen that longing. You also need to take an interest in other relationships - both friendships and possible romances.

It's a good thing not to jump into another romance on the rebound. But you need to start being open to that possibility. Don't be in a hurry to find another "partner." Don't spend too much time online. Find ways to meet and be with other people to hopefully do stuff that is fun for you. Any healthy social interaction with others of any gender will speed up the healing of your heart.

Do you really recommend me trying to hurt myself more for my emotions to finally align with my thoughts? This does not seem like a healthy solution to me, to be honest... Sorry if I understand it the wrong way, but this is what I'm getting from "Or you can seek her out once more and reexperience that belly ache and possibly get something much worse that finally aligns your emotions with what you mind is telling you", is this sarcastic? Or just the only possibility left in your opinion that you wanted to emphasize somehow?

Because for the other one you suggested, "You can apply this analogy and see if reason and emotion finally shake hands on why the experience is not worth going through again". I still feel like I applied the analogy to my life. I was hurt multiple times by this person. I spent months being hurt by her behaviour in which she ignored me and I was feeling the pain over and over. I was stuck in negative emotions and I feel like despite looking at the disgusting fake pictures of the food with full consciousness of the consequences, I still bought it and ate it and ended up again and again with the same feeling of nausea which never made me leave this stall. It's just like fast food - you love the taste even if it makes you spend hours in toilet afterwards, but your taste for fast food does not change, only your conscious approach to it and self-control can change and stop you from ordering it and that's exactly what I did to save myself from this wicked relationship. And this disgusting food stall seems like my favorite food stall after all the negative experience anyways, I'm used to it, I'm ignoring it, I don't know why. Maybe I did not explain it further in this topic, my apologies for that, but the pain I've experienced while being with her was so heavy I'm literally surprised and confused that it still did not change my attachment for her because I think it should.

This is where the main problem lies - my emotions do not change automatically, when I get hurt, I don't stop loving, how to change them then if trying to rationally explain to myself what's going on does not work? Guess I have some sort of a stockholm syndrome

Thank you so much for replying and the time you spent to think about my issue, I appreciate it a lot

The heart is not rational. We are totally capable of falling in love with someone who is not good for us. (I've been there and done that.) That's why love - all by itself - is not a good enough reason to stay with someone. You have to apply some rational thinking and recognize when someone is not as committed to you, as you've been toward them. You've done that, but you're still kind of infatuated with her. Time will lessen that.

The thing is you invested a year and a half in this person. That's the problem with long distance relationships. You don't get to know the other person very well. Instead, you build up an idealized image of this person. That's hard to let go of. Perhaps you met this person through the Internet. Try to spend less time online and more time meeting people IRL. Long distance relationships involve a lot of fantasy on the part of both parties. Reality then becomes disappointing in comparison.

You can get over this relationship. Accept that it will be painful for awhile. I can't think of a technique for mental processing that hurries that up. How the pain of loss resolves is kind of a mystery, but it happens.