[ChaoticSpiral]

Can I go a week without crying?

I just always feel like I go one day a week crying. I don't want to be so emotional. I want to feel secure. I want to feel safe. I want to feel peace.

Today, it started as I woke up remembering the drama I had this weekend with my brother. Then when I started wfh shift, I saw how much work I actually had (which is like 3 tasks), my mind quickly got pulled into thinking of past issues. Now I'm on my phone typing away at 9am with tears down my face.

My brother got on us for not being adaptive and he's tired of being adaptable for us. We normally metup around 11am. Younger brother requests the afternoon, we push back that we can't due to a cookout and the board game cafe opens at 11am. Younger brother says he got it figured out so nevermind.
Older brother comes out of the woodwork asking to play at younger brother's place (I guess so older brother doesn't have to drive and to be present for younger brother family's cookout). I said that is a family gathering, how are we supposed to play DnD in a family gathering when there's no space?

He replied hes busy and hes tried of us trying to make the perfect setting. He was planning around our meet up, but we are so stingy about their schedules. No one mentioned the schedule until the night before. I thought we were doing our regular schedule and made plans for afterwards. My husband asked my older brother what would he prefer and he gave no response. My younger brother played peacekeeper and asked for next week. I went to a side conversation with my younger brother telling him sorry but I was pissed off at older brother for getting defensive but not offering anything tangible. That us trying to do DnD is such a hassle, from moving it from our place to closer to the brothers (but then the brothers aren't playing attention to DnD). To finding a middle location that is quiet to do, and now older brother is being combative. He's always been a rude asshole. We didn't talk for years, but my husband wanted us to reconnect. Now I'm just like **** I want my older brother to go **** off. He left the conversation, so there's no ending.

Then feelings resurface from last week, such as my time with my husband and time for other stuff, and feeling stress and guilt. Those resurface.

Then being at work with nothing to really do. Trying to stay busy, but not having anything substantial to do. I asked for work, but everyone is busy that they can't really think of anything for me. Just feels like I'm lacking.

So I start crying. I'm in my feelings. Then I get frustrated that I'm emotional. Then I cry more before I'm emotional about being emotional. Then I'm wishing for joyful days, and not tearful days. Why am I so emotional? Why can't I be happy? Why do I cry so much? Why can't I go about my week without crying? I hate this about myself. I don't want to be a mess. I don't want to linger on past dramas. But as soon as I wake up, and things slow down at work, or I get bored, these thoughts resurface and I'm a mess.