Healing

I have been feeling better for over 6 weeks now and I really believe that my depression is "in remission", so to speak. I am still in therapy once a week and will stay on my medication for a long time to come, but there is a real and substantial change in how I feel and it has now sustained itself for quite a while. It continues to get better. I sleep like a baby. My husband and I don't fight anymore. My relationship with my family is wonderful. I GET BORED!!!!! I don't want to sit around and do nothing anymore and I am actually (almost) relieved to be going back to work. I am continuing to look for another job and have been turned down for two already, but it hasn't destroyed me. In fact, I haven't really dwelled on it at all.

Even my husband has commented on how much change he has seen. I am getting together with friends again and having a good time when I go out. My life is returning to how it once used to be. I am not yet where I want to be, but the progress I am making amazes me.

The only thing holding me back now is my anxiety. It is still unresolved but we are getting closer. My therapist and I are now moving into territory I haven't covered in many, many years and I can't believe the baggage I am still carrying. No wonder I struggle with anxiety. I am refusing meds for that though...I am on enough medication already and we believe that I can conquer it on my own. Here's a bit of an oxymoron for you...I had a panic attack about a week ago but at least I didn't get depressed about it, LOL!!!

I did something last week to reward myself and remind myself of how incredible life can be. I decided to rescue a 2nd cat. I have a 5 year old cat that I rescued when he was 1. His name is Jack and he is incredible. He was badly abused and so sick when I rescued him and now he is sooo lovable and sweet and friendly, you'd never know. So last week I adopted a 2 year old who was living in a home with someone who hoarded animals. She has clearly been neglected and needs tons of love. No abuse though which is good. So we are bonding, she and I and she and Jack. It is amazing and has been such a great part of my own healing. The love from an animal is so pure. They just want your attention and affection (and a bit of food.) It also helps to kill the boredom at home.

So, today I just wanted to post an update because I'm feeling good and I hope that my story may help someone who maybe can't see the end today. This is my 2nd major depressive episode and it lasted almost a year, exactly. My first depressive episode lasted almost four years, so I guess we're making progress, .

Feddy

Thanks for sharing and I've happy you're feeling better. I hope your story will inspire others here. Best of luck ((Feddy))

I'm so happy for you, feddy! Hopefully, someday, I too will feel that good!

Back to work today, day 1, HUGE milestone. It was okay. The first time I tried to go in I had a panic attack. That was about a week before the post I wrote here. So I gave it a bit more time and I feel even better and today I made it. People are so damn curious...everyone wants to know where I've been. It's been 3 1/2 months since I left so I guess I can't blame them. I am trying hard to be coy but I am generally quite open with people so I know that they find it strange that I am not sharing. Oh well...tough. Today I did have some anxiety, especially in specific situations but I was able to manage through it.

So, I am really healing. Today proved it to me. I had my pdoc's words in my head today. He told me to remember that I can only do what I can do and if I am pressured to go beyond what I am comfortable with right now, then I should remind everyone that I am not a tiger yet but I am working on it (his words.) I love my pdoc. So I actually told people "I am not a tiger." I turned it into a joke but it still got the point across. GRRRRR....

Everyone in my family has taken the time to tell me that they can see the difference in me. They tell me that I have changed, they can see the "old me" returning. My husband especially tells me almost on a daily basis how much I am changing and even I can feel it. It's kind of funny...I realize how long I've been unwell because it feels so unfamiliar to feel good. But it also feels great.

I continue to heal every day. I continue to marvel in these new feelings of goodness and peace. I still struggle with anxiety. But I think the depression is again at rest. RIP!!!

Good for you, feddy. I wish you continued progress.

feddy,
I have foster cats as well as two of my own, they do help especially because they love 'heated furniture' and I have been very good at being that these days.
They may miss me once I am on my feet.
The fosters were feral ( not socialized to humans). After two years they have taught me a lot especially in the area of trust.

Thanks for posting your encouraging story, and for creating a 'forever home' for you new cat.
Gently1

Dear Feddy,

I am new to this website, and yours was the first post I have read. I went straight to the first glimmer of hope I saw, because I am feeling awfully pessimistic right now. Although my own depression is somewhat under control, I am dealing with my mother's. I am so easily affected by her state of mind that sometimes her depression can fuel or trigger my depression.

We recently lost my grandma, a beyond words special person, we're talking angel here, and our life as we knew it is virtually over. For the last 5 years my mom had been living with her mom, my grandma, and they provided tremendous support for eachother, in fact my mom describes her as her best friend. My grandma we knew would eventually succumb to congestive heart failure, but she had been doing so well, it almost felt like she would just keep going. She did not however, and passed away a week ago. Now we are faced with the obvious - mourning the loss of my grandma, and taking care of her home, etc. My mom as one might expect is lost without her, and has fallen terribly depressed. She will be moving in with my husband and I and our 9 month old baby, and I am terrified that life will be miserable for all parties involved. I am hopeful most of the time, but tonight I am terrified. I have been dreading this moment for a long time. I read your post and I am hoping that my mom can function at the best level she is capable of, but I am doubtful. How will I ever heal myself when I'm constantly reminded of my mother's struggles. There is nothing I can really do for her, although I often fantasize about being able to significantly change her, if I do this, or that. But what about my life, my husband, my son? How can I be there for them, if I am drained by my mother? I feel terribly selfish and resentful all at the same time. How do you find a happy medium between caring for yourself while caring for someone else as well?

Freddy
Great to hear that your on the mend and refinding your old self. I'm in the same situation and everyday a feel a bit more like my old self. One step at a time, one day at a time we will come out of the dark tunnel.

I am back with a new twist and an update on my story. I am in my third week back at work and it has definitely been up and down. My first day I was filled with adrenaline but by the end of the second, my anxiety had peaked and I wasn't doing so well anymore. Then I took a hard personal blow when I left work on that 2nd day - I found out my brother-in-law to be (my sister gets married in two weeks) has cancer. His surgery was last Monday. This was all a serious test to both my endurance and willpower. And as if that wasn't enough, I decided to come out of the closet about previous abuse to my therapist that same week in our session so pretty much all my raw emotions were put on the table at the same time.

A bottle of atavin and a lot of therapy later, I found myself facing the prospect of another week of work and too much anxiety to go through with it. I was supposed to work three days last week and only made it in for one. I got a bit of flak from my boss and as a result, I was scheduled in with the company doctor to ensure I wasn't "playing the system" with my disability case.

Today was the big day. I worked this morning and saw the doctor this afternoon. Needless to say, I was fighting off the panic attack as I got to his office and you know what - he was a great guy! He supported the plan my pdoc and I have in place and the therapy I have been going through. He is going to work with my employer to make sure that I am not rushed through my return to work. I felt so supported, the total opposite of what I expected!!! (Catastrophic thoughts...what a waste of time...sigh.)

So, the journey continues. I work again on Thursday and will continue a part time schedule for now. Still moving through that dark tunnel. Some days are definitely brighter than others and I continue to get these hard little reminders that I am not totally out of the woods yet. But I keep pushing through. I HAVE to.

Dandelion8, I am so sorry for your loss and for the challenges you are now facing. Have you thought about talking to someone about how you are feeling? Do you have a therapist? That might be helpful for you. My thoughts are with you and your family.

Feddy

My mother lives in another country as is a manic depressive. We do not get on and the child she loves the most and gave everything too does not want to know. My sister made arrangement for someone to take care of our mother but she has rejected all help. I am eaten up with guilt as being the eldest I feel that they expect me to take her on. But although I go visit when I am near near her it brings back all the bad memories of how she ill treated me. The only way I can deal with her is to while I am there is to pretend that she is not my mother but someone I go in to see and look after. I cant stay long as I have a job to get back to and the most hurtful thing of all I do everyhting to make her as comfortable as possible she still thinks nothing of me. The only time she calls me is if she wants something. I know I cannot have her with me and the person she gave everything to is not interested. I dont know what is going to happen in the future. At least you are trying to deal with your mother. I commend you for that. All I see is a deep dark pit in front of me and no way out.

I am going through med changes and am struggling. Do you mind telling me what worked for you. My doc is searching for a med that will help me but we are running out of options. Hope this isn't too personal of a question. If so just ignore it.

Good for you Feddy! I'm still going thru my depressive episode, but your update gives me yet another dose of hope. Thanks for sharing.

i recently changed meds and was out of work for 2 months. my energy level has increased significantly. a few days ago i got through the day w/o a nap. that is huge for me. i was sleeping about 15 hrs a day or more before the med change. i still feel fatigue at times but i noticed its after i eat sweets. so now i know that diet plays a huge part in my recovery. my anxiety is till a problem and i too do not wish to take meds for it. i am working with a therapist and i hope i get relief. congrats on your progress.

I don't know what brought me here tonight or more specifically, why I found myself rereading this post. I wrote it over a year ago and sometimes, I still feel like that old girl, struggling with those same demons. I am so rarely on this site anymore but tonight I needed to be here. It's incredible (not in a good way) to read about and remember that time. It's like a bad dream...all that time I spent at home, trying to go back to work, feeling isolated, victomized, etc.

Fast forward a year...new job, better health (mental and physical), better life. But not always. It's amazing how depression can continue to haunt. I am still on my meds. Cymbalta, Topamax and Ativan. I still struggle with anxiety that can cripple me. But the depression - STILL GONE!!! But my pdoc and I have maintained the meds because life continues to deal me some pretty hard blows and we're not sure if I'm ready yet to cope with them on my own. The downside is that I'm ready to be a mom, I want it so bad, but with these meds I can't move forward with that part of my life. He knows that and we have to balance what's best for me and meds continue to win. I struggle with that tremendously.

What brings me here today is a really interesting disucssion I had with my pdoc this weekend. He is so non-judgemental, as a good doctor should be and rarely tells me what he thinks about anything. But this last appointment, we were sitting there and he looked at me with such a sad expression and said, "Sometimes I think about you and feel really sad, because you have lived such a tortured life." He's right. I don't often think about it or acknowledge it, but when put that bluntly it's hard to contradict. I looked at him and said that perhaps tortured was a stretch but maybe it's not...the events I've lived through that resulted in two bouts with major depression by age 32 might lead one to think otherwise. I'm sure that people have had it worse than me, but it's not about comparing and I'm learning that too.

Anyhow, it's been sitting with me ever since. I'm not feeling sorry for myself, I stopped that a long time ago, but I can't stop thinking about it. Even with my new job, the one that was supposed to "save me" there have been circumstances, well beyond my control, that have made it much more difficult and emotional than it should have been. I really don't want to get into the details tonight, they're not important, but suffice it to say that in my life, like so many of yours, what should be easy is so often so very difficult for reasons well beyond my control.

So why am I here? To reminise? To remember when it was worse and how far I've come? To seek support? To feel better? Probably a bit of everything. I guess part of the reason I'm here is to remind everyone that the battle with depression doesn't end when remission starts. It continues every single day after. Once we go down this path and come out the other side, we have to remember that we can never go back again. It's a constant struggle to change behaviours, mindset and well being to continue to recover and get healthier and healthier so that we can cope with whatever is put in our path. I guess I'm also here to pray...pray that one day, these obstables will stop being thrown at me so frequently and I can start to simply sit back and relax and enjoy the view for a while. What would be so wrong with that?

Just an update...that conversation really helped me. I kept thinking about it all last week and I came to understand that there has been balance. Turtored is definitely a stretch, but there has been a lot of sadness in my life. But there has also been good. I also started to understand how much I've learned and what I've actually gained from both of my depressions.

I also understood clearly, just how much better I was.

So today, I asked him about coming off my meds. I want to start a family. And he said yes and we made a plan. He thinks I'm ready. I've been on my meds for almost two years. I'm starting tomorrow. Scary. Crazy. I'm truly hopeful for the frst time in so long. Giving up Ativan is going to be hard. I don't even use it that much, I just like knowing it's there. And I have to quit smoking (later...)

So I might be here again for a bit. I definitely am going to look for help to understand what withdrawal might feel like. I'm very scared of migraines (both from withdrawal and from losing the Topamax).

But you know what, it's okay and I feel really good right now.

In reference to the hard blows you have had in life, I want to make a comment. I am 49 years old and I have never had more than a few months where I didn't experience some kind of blow. Life has been extremely hard, but I have learned that going through these things has made me into a stronger person. It has made me into a compassionate and understanding person. I had a therapist say to me a long time ago that God has allowed me to go through so much because he believes I am strong enough to handle it. I have big shoulders in other words. At the time I don't know if I fully believed it, but I do now. We can take our blows and learn from them and use them in positive ways. We can decide if they are going to be a stumbling block or a stepping stone. How can you reach out to someone who has experienced similar things you have? Or how can you allow others who have experienced similar things reach out to you?
God bless,
AprilGram25

Dear Lilleth ,It was the same situation with my mum.My mum was elderly and suffered depression and i actually gave up work to provide 24hr care to her at home.My brother who was the favourite refused to assist with any of her care.I have no regrets about my decision as i gave her quality life until her passing six months ago.The caring role has taken it's toll on me and i am also now battling depression.At least you are trying to help your mum.so therefore will have no regrets at the end of the road. Take care

Thanks for the hope and the added umph to make me keep trying to get better.