From Attempting Suicide to Getting Married! Road to Recovery.

Hello everyone! Please bear with me, this is my first post!

Growing up, I could always feel I was "off" or different from the other little kids. I can remember being in elementary school, about 7 or 8 years old, and never feeling happy. I come from a difficult background. My father left my mother with 4 young children. It was better off that way though, due to the fact that he was an alcoholic, crack addict, and an abuser. He was depressed and self medicated with drugs. Although he had all of those issues, the fact that he left and was absent through out my life did have a negative effect on me as well. Lose-lose situation.

My mom was great, but wasn't around as often as a child needs, which was mostly understandable because she was working 3 jobs at a time to support us kids. I always would strive to be the best so that she would be proud of me. She typically only focused on the bad things my other siblings would do though, and I often would not get credit for the good things that I did. I did not realize at the time, but she suffered from depression too.

My real depression started setting in during middle school. I hid my depression from everyone. Did not want to bother anyone with "silly" questions, like why was I so sad all of the time? And why do I feel like sleeping all day? During middle school was where I cut myself for the first time. I could have probably counted the number of times I hurt myself in middle school on one hand; it was not a problem for me yet. I had some major self esteem issues developing at this point.

In high school, things plummeted drastically. I hid all of my problems. A couple "friends" knew some issues, and sort of supported them. I would switch off between starving myself and binging/purging. I hated my body and myself as a whole. I would find any way to attempt to hurt myself so that I could feel emotion. I was empty and numb. I would burn myself, bruise myself, and cut myself to the point where I should have gotten stitches. I was addicted to self harm. I would take hand fulls of cold pills to make myself pass out for long periods of time; sometimes I would sleep for 24 hours straight. I did not care if I would ever wake up.

Finally, I reached my breaking point and had a major suicide attempt during my senior year of high school. This was a complete shock for my family. Of course they knew I was "different," but no body took the time to ask if I needed help or even to see how my days were going. It is hard to even describe the reaction my family had after the suicide attempt. I was in the hospital for a couple days and eventually got out. I had to go to therapy, which I neither liked nor disliked. I was put on meds and I did not like them. I did not like talking about my depression and how the meds did not help and I just kind of floated along. I know I could have gotten them switched around, but I did not want to deal with that. I stopped taking them and haven't taken them since.

My first two years of college were pretty rough too. I would go through periods of time where I would have manageable symptoms of depression where I would be relatively versus times where I would be in the pits again. I started heavily drinking at parties and would sometimes smoke marijuana too. I would hurt myself the most I ever have. It was not as often as in high school, but much more severe. Despite this, I still managed to be an excellent student, being on the deans list every semester, yet I still received no praise.

Eventually, I realized that what I needed was not medication, but I just needed to get away. I decided to transfer colleges to one almost four hours away from my home town to a place where I knew no one. This was a huge shock for my family and no one wanted it to happen. They thought I would never make it. I obviously was extremely nervous, but this was so exciting for me! It was the first time in a long time that I actually had something to look forward to. I transferred, and within the first couple days of living in the new city, I met a certain someone. He completely changed my life. He knew I had some flaws, but showed me that within the right environment, I could thrive and beat depression. We started dating and long story short, we getting married in three months!

Currently, I am very happy. Don't get me wrong, I still have my days where I want to stay in bed and never leave, but those are far fewer days than before. I still have a lot of the physical symptoms of depression. The one that gets to me the most is the fatigue and general tiredness that never goes away. I still am a little slow paced at times, but I have improved so much! I am working so hard to graduate from college, and will do so after summer semester. Summa Cum Laude, to be exact! I will have a degree in Social Work. I am extremely proud of my accomplishments.

I know moving away and falling in love and managing my depression sounds like the craziest part of my story, but I would not change any part of my experience. I am thankful for my suffering so that I can appreciate the great things I have in my life now. Some people can have success with medication and therapy, but I can now see that I inherited my depression, yes, but my environment really amplifies it. I hope I can continue to manage my depression for the long run, without medication, and I know that my (future) husband will be there to support me every step of the way.

Im sorry this is so long, I just had a lot to say! I hope I can at least give one person a slightly positive feeling or outlook with my story. I cannot change the world, but I can change someone's world!

Thank you for taking the time to read my story!

Thank you for sharing I am so glad that things are working out for you overall. You definitely should be proud of all you have achieved.

Well done u, and the best of luck for your future

Thank you, Bono and Mazing! I have over come a lot, but still have to continue to work on myself. I appreciate your praise!

YAY! And congratulations on ALL of your accomplishments! ... I can relate to what you said about continuing to work on yourself. It is a lifelong process and we're all on that train. I just feel so relieved to feel I've come through it and all for the better. And that a good outlook requires daily practices for the long run. ... But mostly, I'm happy to read your success story. Thank you so much for sharing.

Thanks for sharing this!