[jacq10]

Last night my aunt came in and cuddled up next to my little cousin (full blown holding) and I was lying there next to them. At first I thought “wow isn’t that nice” but then it became to triggering for me and I had to leave. I had to leave because I wished that I were my little cousin at that exact moment, and that I had someone (not necessarily my mom, or even my aunt), but just someone, holding me just as she was.

I need to be held…. So badly I need to be held.

Part of me feels like I’m being rejected (by who? The universe maybe), because I don’t have anyone to fulfill this need. And then there is this other part of me that just keeps telling me how ridiculous it is for the need of touch to be consuming my mind as often as it does.

Its like my mind is on a record that keeps spinning round and round saying “I need a hug. How can I get a hug. No I can’t do that. I want to cry. I miss ______ but even if they were there I couldn’t get what I need. Why do I feel this way. Why can’t this stop. Why can’t I just find comfort in myself. I hate being dependent on other people. I’m such an energy vampire. Why can’t I just be happy. I’m pushing people away. I’m alone. I need a hug.”

And it keeps going round and round and no matter what, no matter where I am or who I’m with.. these thoughts always end up back in the front of my mind. Its like nothing is good enough for me. Or maybe I’m the one who’s not good enough.



I'm so unhappy, and its really disheartening because where I'm at now.. this was suppose to be my "safe place." But if the depression is able to maintain itself even in such a good environment such as this... who knows if i'll ever really be able to make it go away.

[depressedalaskan]

Hi ((((jacq10)))) Sending you some big hugs

[Catherine2]

jacq10
You described a familiar feeling...it's one that I struggle with at times.
It's hard, and lonely, to go through the day without being on the receiving end of a sincere hug...for me, a hand on my shoulder while talking with someone or my hand briefly covered by the person I'm talking to would be a gift.
This is with adults, not children or the elderly.
Taking a chance by doing it myself is something that eases that feeling. I know it gives them the same comfort that I also seek.
It doesn't, however, take away my need for it to be initiated by an adult.

It's well known that the human touch is a much needed showing of care and of love. Being deprived of it can hurt in many ways and on different levels.

I offer my apology if I misread the content of your post...I may having been hearing what I was yearning for myself.

Catherine

[jacq10]

((((((((Depressedalaskan)))))))))))
Thank you so much... right back atcha

[jacq10]

(((((((((Catherine)))))))))
Thank you for responding to my post, and for understanding how important a simple touch can be. I'm sorry to hear that this is something that you too struggle with. Let me me the first one to initiate this hug...
You did not misread my post. In fact, I'm happy if what I expressed was made meaningful to you, because in some way, that means we are less alone then we think.
Take care,
Jacqueline