[BlackTears]

This may turn into a long entry so no one really needs to read it, I just need an outlet to be true to my true feelings.. I find comfort in writing here and not my journal... Every depressing lonely alternative song just reminds me so much of who I turned in to. I always told myself that I would never be the girl Ive become funny how different my life has taken.. I never had a fair shot in life ever I was broken before I was born.. My mother whom I love but am so distant once told me I was a drunken accident funny huh apparently my mother was friends with a teenager got drunk one night and oops here I came.. Now my father from what I can recall was never around sure I use to go to his house but really my aunt dawn was the one always with me.. Sad, I remember key moments that are so very depressing I never called him dad never told him I loved him, use to try and stay up late just so I could sleep with him, once I wanted to tell him I loved him went running after him and when I got to him I couldnt do it instead I asked for a quarter crazy huh so young and cant tell your father you love him.. Shortly after that my mother took me to a new state becaise my stepdad wanted to go where his kids were.. Never saw my real father again or heard from any of them...I was 8 then.. My stepdad a horrible man was in my life since i was an infant, my mother is still with him to this day..A horrible cruel man he was beatings pain punnishment my sister and brother and I were never good enough and his children were royalty..Horrible years with that man before I had any clue about boys or even interested in them I was a horrible slut..My mother what can I say she use to try and stop things but eventually she never said a word..I use to blame her and hate her but now that im older I realize that my mother was helpless abused mentally and physically herself and also with mental disabilities my mother is slow never realized growing up but I see it all clearly now..I believe she truely beleived she had to stay could never make it without him she wasnt strong he made sure of that.. I left when I was 16 snuck out my window after my stepdad came home and was beating the hell out of me my older brother tried to break it up he got beat and when he was thrown out and my stepdad turned to me and said look what youve done you. When he closed my bedroom door I ran scared but I ran.. My stepfathers daughters husband snuck into my room one night when I was 8 years old and asked me if I wanted to play a game? From that night on to the night I ran from my parents home he molested me.. He would do things to me in the bathroom while everyone was down stairs watching t.v. Wht a life right abused in every form abdoned by my real father.. My whle life I was always the outcast in the family always treated like **** always got the worse beathings.. Today I have two beautiful girls whom I love and adore but refuse to let them out of my sight or meet new people or stay over places..I am in a loveless marriage.. My husband is just as mentally abusive to me as any other man I grew up around.. Is it sad that the only time I feel safe or truely loved is when im with my dog?? My dog loves me protects me if anyones near he is always on guard with me and the girls..I guess hes the only thing in my life besides my girls that has never hurt me.. By the way after all these years and everything ive been through I found my father last year and wouldnt you know he wants nothing to do with me...Picture perfect life I have. I just wish I had the strength to just leave find a new place somewhere far and start over...Wouldnt that be great...oh it would be...but sadlly i am not strong enough and will probally never be.......

[justfloating]

((((((((((((((BlackTears))))))))))))))))

[scotlandskye]

(((((((((black tears)))))))))

[bera]

[idontknow13]

((((BlackTears)))))