[Martina]

This Saturday I felt like crap and I laid in bed all day, didn't get out of bed to shower until 5:00 PM. Didn't make dinner - our daughter had PB&J, we had nothing. I was just feeling really crappy.

My husband I think got upset about this. I think he thinks I'm just a lazy a&& and I fake it. Maybe he's right. I've had these illnesses for my entire life, but I've only been diagnosed for the past year & a half. So why am I complaining more now than I did back then, when it was hidden?

Anyway, Sunday morning he just was not himself. Didn't want to do anything. Didn't eat anything. Just generally crappy mood. He went to work at 2:00 and I said "I hope it's not too bad for you" and he replied "yeah, maybe I'll kill myself at work today." That scared the crap out of me. I know (think) he was joking, but it really scares me.

I tried to cheer him up by getting a bunch of smiley-face balloons and filling up his car with them, and I got him a nice card. He didn't seem to like it at all.

When he got home from work last night, he said that basically he doesn't want to go to any more sessions with my therapist (we had been going as a couple to the same one I see individually). He doesn't want to try and plan a vacation we've been hoping for - even though he is clearly burnt out at work. He just doesn't want to do anything. He's really upset.

What should I do? How do I cheer him up? Do I just back off and give him some space to relax?

Do you think maybe he's sick of being the "caretaker" and he just wants to be my husband? How do I stop doing the crap I do?

I took our daughter over to daycare today just so I could clean the house. I cleaned every little thing that we can possibly clean in the house. Took out the trash. Cleaned up the dog crap.

I'm making a nice steak dinner tonight, steaks are on sale 2.99/lb. Going to get a huge baked potato for him.

I texted "I Love You" to him while he's at work.

I just don't know what else I can do. I guess this is a taste of my own medicine - so many times, he would try everything to cheer me up and I would stay depressed. Now I know how frustrated he felt.

[Rhapsody]

Not knowing how long you have been together or if you worked before your illness... I think he would be happy with the family he use to have - him working, you taking good care of the house and children, and the two of you getting out with each other from time to time.

Give him some time to him self and his feelings and see how things are going in a few weeks then see if he is up to talking about a few of the issues.

((( hugs )))

[Shangrala]

I agree. Give him some time to think/feel things through for himself.

Meanwhile, continue with your efforts of improvements, but without overcompensations.
Perhaps, try to view it as "treat yourself the way you want him to treat you"...?

I know the feeling of being the burntout caretaker, and unfortunately, it has gone much too far to be reconciled, and I have resulted in not only giving up, but have seemed to allowed his misery drag me into my own as well.
If he had only taken interest in helping me help him, then I'm confident that all would not be lost now.

I can understand how he may be experiencing an overwhelming sense of dispair, if positive change has not resulted.

I believe that you don't need to go to the extent of the balloons and whatnot often, (though that was a genuine sweeeeeeet gesture). I think it would prove more rewarding for him if he witnessed you treating yourself the way he does..with the love, support and respect).
I know..for me, if I were to have witnessed my hubs finally begin to treat himself the way I've been, then that alone would be enough to provide all the rewards.

Hope this helps some.

Good luck. Keep the faith.

Shangrala

[Catherine2]

Good suggestions...

One thing that did occur to me was perhaps your husband's actions/feelings are not from your situation...
There might be something else he is worried about..work, money, well just about anything.
He may not be saying anyway so he does not upset you.

If it is something else, plus his worry about you, then he is indeed going to have some kind of reaction.
Maybe a good, honest talk would be beneficial for both of you...

Best wishes,

Catherine