pretty pathetic alright..

I bought some stuff for myself. A new guitar and the amplifer as a great way to get my mind off bad thoughts. Now it's just standing there. I just wasted ***ton of money, enough to make therapy last for months.. and for English courses LOL. Red Cross could use it better for sure.

Is there even a way back to normal life? And last time I felt normal was.. probably when I was a little child.. if at all. So, back where?

Pleasure and happiness are just words.. they always sound strange and meaningless to me. People tell jokes, wait for me to laugh and I just fake it. I tell jokes, they laugh.. I feel like I intrude myself upon them.

Sometimes when I get so lonely that I can't go on, when talking to myself doesn't help, I think maybe there is an angel who is never giving up on me, who loves the real me, feels with me and will meet me later. Or I think that maybe the person I should be with just isn't here anymore, maybe something happened before we had a chance to meet.. Until next time then..

This last BS makes me wanna cry whereas nothing else ever does. But I never cry, bc I'm afraid people will see me doing it.
Stubbornness? Is this what they call living against one's will? That's stupid and so am I.

(((((((((((ExiExi)))))))))))

Sounds like the liar--depression--is screaming in your head right now.
Try really, really hard to NOT listen.

There is hope. Things will get better. Not by magic. It takes work. It takes putting yourself out there. Depression will tell you can't but you CAN.

Hang in there and fight when you can and rest easy when you can't.

Keep posting and let us know how you are doing.

(((ExiExi)))
I wish I could take away all your suffering
I would do it in a heartbeat
I have a guitar and haven't played it for years.
If I watch a funny movie , I sit there emotionless.
I have no friends to tell me jokes , if I did I would probably fake laughter too
You are NOT stupid and I believe there is an angel watching over you. I just hope that angel takes good care of you
Hang in there Exi

I'm afraid of spending money on myself. Although I can imagine myself using this or that and enjoying it, I fear “wasting” the money on something I actually won't use, or use too little to justify the purchase. I'm also afraid I might enjoy whatever I buy, and then – of course – I'll feel guilty for enjoying it. So my self-spending is quite restrained.

Every once in a while something I bought in the past and has lain dormant for years becomes the object of an impulse arising out of the unknowable depths, finally finding purpose. Perhaps, maybe, your guitar and equipment fit in that category. If that be the case, then you haven't wasted money, you've invested it.

At least that's what I tell myself in these situations, and I'm not sure I'm fully trustworthy...

ExiExi, here's hoping you've got yourself an investment and not a white elephant!

(((((((((((((((( ExiExi ))))))))))))))))