[justfloating]

I think I'm doing a LOT better. I haven't felt ... well, DEPRESSED, in a couple of months. I'm eating, I'm sleeping regularly, I'm not crying, I haven't had any nightmares in ages and this summer I've gone out and let loose and had a BLAST for the first time in years.

But despite all that ... I'm not really sure how to explain it except to say that I still have a knot in my stomach. A familiar anxiety over something I can't place. I guess, now that the depression has let go of me, I can actually face my problems head-on, but that doesn't mean I'm any closer to knowing how to deal with them. I've gotten through a lot of things, like my relationship with my parents, and I've gotten out of a toxic relationship and spent more time around people I know really care about me and make me feel good about myself. I'm planning for the future and I'm getting my life on track. But I still feel a little lost, like I'm drifting somehow, and that scares me to death.

I go back to school on Wednesday. That means getting on a plane flying away from home, where I've made so much progress, where my support system is, where I've managed to get myself out of the dark and into the light. But I spent the first two years of university with depression -- the first sinking into it so deeply that by the end of it I was diagnosed; the second year was spent trying to keep myself afloat while I battled my suicidal thoughts, among other nightmarish things. I didn't spend those years doing normal student things. I barely paid attention to my classes, I made next to no friends (and I can barely call the friends I do have "friends" so much as "good acquaintances"), I never went out and spent every spare moment in bed. I'm going into third year and I feel like I have SO much catching up to do ... the thought is completely overwhelming. I may as well be in first year all over again. I know that I'm capable of getting my life in order because the depression no longer has a strangle hold on me, but I am still scared to death of actually doing it. I don't want to explain to anyone why I'm suddenly interested in things I had no interest in before; I don't want to have to explain why I'm suddenly willing to go out when I was always the homebody; I don't want to explain why I never joined any clubs or put any effort into my school work but am suddenly gung-ho to do it. I'm not ashamed of my depression but I AM ashamed of how terrified of the world I've been, and how unwilling to participate in life I was up until now. Basically, if anyone has noticed me before this, it's probably to think that I'm the weird hermit girl who refuses to get involved. It'd be easier to just hide away in bed, but I can't do that either because that's just inviting the depression to come back, and I know now that hiding from the world is never going to give me the happiness I want. But knowing it and acting on it are two very different things, and the very thought of getting my act together makes me feel sick to my stomach.

I don't know what to do. If anyone has some advice to calm me down -- or just a few spare hugs -- I'd really appreciate it! I've been stuck inside my shell so long I don't know the first thing about coming out.

[idontknow13]

(((((justfloating)))))
This is great news, I am so happy you are feeling better and that you had a great summer. I hope your school year goes as well and I am sure you will come out of your shell and become the person you were supposed to be in the first place.
You give me hope!
Changes are scary but well worthwhile.
Take good care of yourself and let us know how it is going

I definelitly can relate........to a lot of it....

Just, like me, try not to be hard on yourself.

Just do what you can.....

[Berries]

((((((((((justfloating)))))))))))

i Don't think anyone is going to hold you accountable for changing for the better. they might be suprized but i doubt judgemental. they will probably be happy for you. as i am!

[theotterone]

It can be disconcerting when you go from what you know to something different...

When I started Adderall, it was as if I had been in front of a heavy metal band's live performance in front of a speaker, to being suddenly plopped down into the middle of a zen garden. My brain was QUIET for the first time in my life! It startled me.

You will get used to it. Keep working at it! I promise you will get comfortable and that this side of depression is a wonderful place to be.

[Rohag]

Wonderful! I'm glad you've reached this place, Justfloating, even if it confronts you with new challenges. You are walking where I have not.

With all the others here I wish you success!

[gimmeice]

((((((((((((( justfloating ))))))))))))))))))


Good luck at school hun.

[Puffyprue]

((((((justfloating)))) sending u a hugs

[googley]

(((((Justfloating)))))
I'm so glad that you are feeling better.

I don't think that people are going to ask you why you have had these changes, I think that instead they are going to be happy to have you along. I went through a similar thing in college and it is a hard adjustment to make. When I went through this process I was awkward and uncomfortable. I didn't really know where I fit in to groups that had already formed. A couple of suggestions for you, (that I wish I had know). 1. Start asking people to do things with you. I had found that people had stopped asking me to do things because they were used to me always saying no. So speak up that you want to be involved in activities. 2. If you are closer to one person (or feel more comfortable), ask them if they will make sure that you know about events that are being planned, this way you are not left out (not intentionally, but because people aren't used to you being there). 3. As for your school work, make sure you balance it with social and extracurricular activities. Don't become a library mouse. 4. For activities that you want to get involved with, don't worry that it is your third year. A lot of people in college switch activities and so you wont be the only new person. If you are interested in activities that your acquaintances are interested in see if they would be willing to go to a group get together with you. Then you will have someone you know there (if it is something they usually go to all the better). The last thing about activities is that often at the beginning of the year they have group meetings where they know that there are going to be new people, no matter the size of the group they are going to want help. Volunteer as a way to get yourself meeting new people and involved in a group.

On a slightly different note, my last suggestion (that hopefully you wont need) is that if you feel the depression is coming back try and catch it early. If you know what signs are that it is coming back keep a watch out for them. (for me it is unexplained tiredness and getting agitated at things that usually wouldn't bother me.) It is easier to try and catch it earlier than it is to run after it when it is way ahead of you. Especially while your in school as you know.

I hope that the transition back to university is a smooth one for you. I hope the advice helps. Feel free to PM me if you have any other questions. I'm back in school this year myself and so am trying to put my advice to you into practice. Good Luck!

[lonegael]

Glad to hear you're going to try for it again. It's good that you remember what you did last time that didn't help. Is there some group, church, political action group or something that you can join? Don't try to expect too much of yourself, I did when getting back to college, and it almost killed me. Be mercifull to yourself and take it easy. I'll be routing for you

[LandingSanely]

The knot in the stomach may be a bit of a conditioned response. Many slaves stayed on the plantations after the civil war because its what they knew. My dad was a prisoner of war in WWII, and after they were liberated many stayed in the camps longer than they had to because it was familiar. My dad on the other hand took off and among other things found a bazooka with some other guys, and used it to blow open a safe in a German - only to find out later the money was virtually worthless. You may be so conditioned to depression your body is still in a chemical reaction, even though you are "freed". I don't know just talking....

Getting involved with people often sucks - and often we are a large part of the suckage, we just don't realize it. Sometimes we even think we are being great people, but are really just being passable - and sometimes we feel justified to be bad because people have been bad to us. Its a good time to smile - it makes people like you and act friendlier, expect some suckage - but just keep moving forward anyway.

[lynn09]

Lots of good advice here (((justfloating))). I agree with LandingSanely that the knot in your stomach (anxiety) may be a conditioned response - a false or phantom emotion. It might also just be due to anticipation of going back into an environment where you had difficulty before. I used to feel this way almost constantly - especially in new environments (college, new job, etc.). Then I realized that I needed to be more concerned about who and what fit into my life rather than where I fit in with others. I started going places that I wanted to go by myself - museums, concerts, plays, etc. Doing things that you are interested in doing puts you in contact with others who enjoy the same interests, and friendships are formed more easily due to the shared interests. Waiting around for others to ask you to join in just causes more anxiety and sets you up for feeling rejected if they don't. Being more proactive about the contents and direction of your life puts you in charge of your life and helps to quell that free-floating anxiety. I think you have a great year ahead of you now that you have developed tools to better keep the depression from getting a stranglehold. Hope all the best for you.

[Fuzzybear]

[Berries]

(((((((((((justfloating)))))))))))

Good luck at school this year!!! And know that you will still have us for extra support.
Travel safe

[Pomegranate]

Just want to add my support and many to you. Remind yourself you don't have to "explain" to anyone why you do the things you do now. You want to do them, that's reason enough. Good luck!

[Sabrina]

You describe familiar feelings for me. I have been in remission for a couple of years but I have that ever-present knot in my stomach that you spoke about.

Sending you some hugs (((justfloating)))

[turquoisesea]

(((((((((((((((((((((justfloating)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

[justfloating]

I leave for school tomorrow. I've spent the last two days saying my goodbyes. I just want to curl up in a ball and cry.

Last year, I cried myself to sleep the night before I left to go back to school. I don't want to do that again. I'm really scared about this year, about what's going to happen, about what I'm going to have to do to make it better. I'm scared I'll fail miserably and wind up right back where I started. When I came home I had a bit of a breakdown and had to get my meds increased by 50% just to keep myself functioning. I don't want to raise the meds any more. I don't want to go to therapy. I don't want to return to my depression but I'm so, so scared that's what's going to happen. I've been feeling so good lately, and now I can feel myself clinging to that feeling by the skin of my teeth. There's just too much to worry about at school, too much aloneness even though I'm surrounded by people, too much pressure, too much anxiety, too much distance between me and the people I care about ... I'm so scared I'm going to collapse again under the weight of my own life. I can't believe I have to keep at this for two more years!!

I don't know why I'm posting, I just really needed to vent. I feel sick and nervous and tired and sad and frustrated, especially because a week ago, I was genuinely excited to go back to school! I hate feeling so miserable now. I want that excitement back. I'm so scared I won't be able to do this ... I could really use some hugs.

[Rohag]

Originally Posted by justfloating

I'm so scared I'm going to collapse again under the weight of my own life. ... I could really use some hugs.

Yes, you could really use some hugs...

May you be pleasantly surprised this year!

[Berries]

(((((((((((justfloating))))))))))) Have a safe trip. Try not to worry and do the what ifs. Breathe.

[lynn09]

Originally Posted by justfloating

I leave for school tomorrow. I've spent the last two days saying my goodbyes. I just want to curl up in a ball and cry.

Last year, I cried myself to sleep the night before I left to go back to school. I don't want to do that again. I'm really scared about this year, about what's going to happen, about what I'm going to have to do to make it better. I'm scared I'll fail miserably and wind up right back where I started. When I came home I had a bit of a breakdown and had to get my meds increased by 50% just to keep myself functioning. I don't want to raise the meds any more. I don't want to go to therapy. I don't want to return to my depression but I'm so, so scared that's what's going to happen. I've been feeling so good lately, and now I can feel myself clinging to that feeling by the skin of my teeth. There's just too much to worry about at school, too much aloneness even though I'm surrounded by people, too much pressure, too much anxiety, too much distance between me and the people I care about ... I'm so scared I'm going to collapse again under the weight of my own life. I can't believe I have to keep at this for two more years!!

I don't know why I'm posting, I just really needed to vent. I feel sick and nervous and tired and sad and frustrated, especially because a week ago, I was genuinely excited to go back to school! I hate feeling so miserable now. I want that excitement back. I'm so scared I won't be able to do this ... I could really use some hugs.

Here are some more hugs for you (((justfloating))) Try not to allow your fear to take control - fear triggers that "fight or flight" response in us - pumps adrenaline and other stress hormones into the system which can trigger depression. Fear is only useful when there is actually something immediately present to fear. Don't look at "two more years" - just take care of the concerns of today, and deal with tomorrow when it arrives. I'm sure you know the saying about a journey of a thousand miles begins with one step - that's all you have to be concerned about - just one step at a time. Allow yourself to have a great year, (((justfloating))).

[theotterone]

There are those of us who have gone through what you are going through now, and made it out the other side. There are those who are travling the same path as you are. Just know that when the weight feels too heavy, there are those of us who will help you shoulder the burden, carry a light, take your hand and walk with you!

[Pomegranate]

Well said Otter! We are here for each other.

[Pomegranate]

Justfloating Here are my hugs and my support and care for you.

Another thought I had is, it sounds like you get depressed whenever you have to leave for school. Is there any chance you could tranfer to a school near your parents home, where you are now? Perhaps then it would not be so difficult for you?