Ex Best friend depressed,please advise.

Hi Everyone,

I wonder if anyone can advise or help me.I used to have a best friend who I've not seen now for almost three years.We used to be in touch daily,took holidays together and the friendship was very close.My friend started suffering from depression and other mental health problems.She became more and more withdrawn at times but also took quite alot of risks in her behaviour.She told me that she only felt worthwhile if someone valued her sexually,it seemed that was the only type of relationship she valued.She got involved with a boy much much younger than her.I was worried/concerned about her.She gradually withdrew and eventually broke contact,actually in a way/at a time that hurt me a great deal.

I've still sent Christmas/birthday cards.Over a year ago I tried to get in touch online but she said she wasn't ready.

I don't know what's going on in her life now but I've been wondering about trying to contact her again. She told me her illness was complex/serious.I cared alot about her and remember how things were when the friendship was good.

I'm wary of getting hurt again myself though too ,but I've kind of thought-life's too short and it may be worth trying.I don't know if anyone can help or advise me.She didn't really have any other close friends-everything was concentrated on this boy at the time.

Thank you

Hi Impala,

First of all, you should know that no part of your friend's withdrawal or her refusal to communicate with you are in any way your fault. Depression is a tricky illness; having come out the other side of it I can tell you that the desire to withdraw from the rest of the world -- even the people closest to us -- comes directly from that illness.

During my depression, I hid myself away from practically everybody. There were friends I stopped seeing/speaking to, I refused to participate in almost anything, I avoided social situations like they were the plague and I concentrated all my energy on a single man in my life in a very unhealthy way. I wouldn't connect with anyone else because it took too much energy. I was so tired all the time, and I didn't have the energy or the patience to have a normal conversation. I couldn't pay attention to anything long enough to keep track of what other people were saying, and the whole time I was speaking to them there was a voice in my head telling me to get out, get away, they didn't really want me there anyway. I couldn't make myself take an interest in what other people were saying, and rather than waste the precious little energy I had pretending to care, I isolated myself and broke contact with a lot of very good friends.

As for the man I took an interest in, my world started to centre around him. My entire sense of self-worth depended on whether I'd hear from him and how long we'd talk. If I heard from him and we had a long conversation, I regained a little self-worth (then that would disappear as I analysed the conversation from every possible angle and convinced myself I'd messed up and he probably hated me). If I didn't hear from him or if he didn't have time to spend a lot of time with me, then I was convinced it was because I was a horrible, pathetic person and didn't deserve love from him or anyone else.

I'm not sure how telling you about my experience helps except to maybe give you possible insight into your friend's way of thinking. What I can tell you is that I think that so far, you're doing everything right. Depression tends to force us into needing space, to distance ourselves from our lives while we work through some of our issues. Unfortunately, we distance ourselves as much from the positive as the negative aspects of our lives, because depression makes us incapable of telling the difference. I don't think your friend putting distance between you is in any way malicious on her part; she may just associate you with a time in her life that she was happier, that she can't think about right now, or that makes her uncomfortable for whatever reason. The best thing you can do is give her that space; don't force it, but let her know that you're there for her when she's ready, that you understand that she's been dealing with something very difficult, and that you don't blame her if she needs that space to cope. Let her know you'll be there if she wants to get back in touch.

As for not getting hurt yourself ... I would think very hard before you contact her again about whether or not you feel like you could handle being pushed away again. If she does it, remember that it's probably her illness talking, not her, but you also need to understand that because of that illness, nothing you can say or do is going to make her better overnight. The guy I mentioned before told me that he would be there for me all through my ordeal with depression, and for a while he was -- he called every day to make sure I got out of bed, he made sure that I was eating, he let me ramble on to him at all hours about things that probably made no sense to him. But eventually, as my depression got worse and he realized he wasn't going to make me all better on his own, he suddenly bolted. I don't blame him for it -- I was extremely difficult to deal with and I understand that -- but I am still upset that he never told me how hard things were becoming for him and just left me hanging without so much as a goodbye. Fortunately for me, it gave me the chance to let go of him and get my life in order, but I think that's just because I was lucky and had a lot of friends and family to turn to at the time. All you can offer her is your friendship right now, and it's still up to her whether she accepts it or not. Sometimes, we're not ready to accept help, and other times the offer of a friend's support is exactly what we need. But if you think that it's something you won't be able to handle or if you think that you're going to have difficulty talking to her because her illness has changed her (and it probably has) then don't put yourself in a position where you think you're going to be hurt. It all comes down to how much you can handle, I guess.

Anyway, I hope that long, rambling response helped, or at least gave you something to think about, and I truly hope that you get back in touch with your friend. It sounds like you really miss her.

All the best.

The best advice i can give is patience. Depression can take years to get over with. Try once in a while to contact her but do not take it personally if she pushes you away again. When she does come out of this, she will need you more than ever as a friend.

I agree with all above. When we have depressive episodes, it is hard to have the energy to exist, let alone participate in any type of relationship. Is your friend getting treated for her depression? Be paitent, kind and try not to judge. Realize too that in the end, your friend will have to make decisions for herself about getting better. It is hard to see someone you love or care about hurt, but we can not fix them, only be there.

Thank you for your replies.JustFloating,it was very helpful to read your post about how the man you were involved with became the centre of your world.That is exactly how my friend was and ,with this boy being so much younger,it was a worry that it wouldn't last or that it didn't have the same meaning for him as for her.I don't know if she is still involved with him.I haven't got any way of knowing what's going on in her life as she's very much a loner and there are no mutual acquaintances who would know.I wonder if there's much point in trying to get in touch if she's still obsessed with this boy as,one of the reasons she cut off contact was when I expressed concern about that situation.I don't think she's ever likely to forgive me for that as she put him on a pedestal.I was only expressing genuine concern for her.Is he likely to forgive my concern?

She was seeing a psychiatrist when I was last involved with her.She broke off contact in a very brutal way when someone close to me had just died and I needed a friend.Other friends wonder why I'm even bothering about her now but I'm attributing what happened to her illness.I could be wrong though,couldn't I? But I don't think she would have behaved that way otherwise.That would mean that all the things she said about caring and always being friends were just lies and I don't believe that.

Oh dear,I'm really in a quandary about whether to try getting in touch,how to try and what might happen if I do.Your replies have helped with some understanding.

Just make sure YOU are in a place that you will be ok if the reaction is negative. I tried connecting with a friend who had written me off, thinking I was more "mature". In reconnecting with him I realized I would never be good enough for him. Well, I am good enough for me and those I hold dear! Hang in there!

I have read this thread with much interest. I had a best friend once (we are lucky if in our lives we can say one time that we have a best friend) who I will never see again.

The reason I will never see her again is quite different than your reason, Impala. But the things that she and I went through while friends were similar in that I abandoned her more than once, Justfloating, for a man. I was married three times while we knew each other. She was my best friend for 24 years. She was like a sister to me, always there when I was sick and in the hospital, when my family didn't care. She opened up her house to me when I needed a place to stay. When I would marry, I would become involved in married life, and leave her to occupy herself with whatever or whomever she preferred.

There were two major differences in our story. One, she died in 1997 from breast cancer. I was really angry about it because she didn't like doctors and ignored the lump for a long time. The other thing is, she was gay and I am not. We had some conversations at times that indicated that there was only so far that our friendship could go because she would not be happy if it did not go in a particular direction and I could not let it go there. So, in some ways, it was OK that I involved myself with marriage because our relationship had built in boundries.

Impala, regardless of what may happen, it might be easier to live with knowing that your friend's life has taken her in a different direction than it would be living with a "wish I had contacted her back then". I've never found it easy wishing I had done something I didn't do when I had the chance.

Hi Vickie,
Thanks for your reply and for giving me the benefit of your own experience.I'm so sorry about what happened to your friend.

I'm sitting here thinking how I'd go about it if I got in touch.I'm also thinking,with me having made some efforts in the past,wouldn't she get in touch with me if she wanted to?? Then I read about how depression affects people and think perhaps not. It's so difficult.

I wonder if anyone can help further on the way forward with this please?

Anyone please?

Hello, Impala! I cannot think of anything of substance to add to the outstanding posts above. I agree that, in all probability, you would have to be the one to initiate contact given your friend's illness. With that, you easily could expose yourself to wounding in reviving the relationship. How strong are you and how much risk are you willing to take?

Your desire to be a real friend to your friend speaks highly of you. Given the illness, even a real friend may not be the right person to provide the right kind of help she needs.

Whatever you decide, I / we wish you safety and fulfillment.