I hate me!!!!!! Aaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrgggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhh hhhhhhhhh!!!!

Thanks for the update, Didi. Please tell TPND we hope she feels better soon, we're looking forward to seeing her back here, and we want her to take good care of herself -- especially, watch her nutrition -- while she's recovering and afterwards.

I will keep you all updated as she gets better .... She is feeling a bit better today and has been getting loads of rest.... Her boyfriend is staying with her so she is eating and drinking

Thanks Didi, send her my well wishes please............

Thanks Didi and send her my wellwishes. I hope she feel better soon!

Thanks, (((Didi))). Please tell Kristen that I'm glad she's improving and I hope she feels better and better every day.

Kirsten had to have a quick trip to the hospital today to get her thoart looked at becuase it was becoming differect to breathe... But she is know home and is feeling better! Just thought I would let you lot all now everything I now ... I will let you know if anything else happens

Thanks! How are you, by the wayY Hope all is well and you can tell TPND that if we can't find cotton to pack her in, I have more than enough bubble wrapp in the attic have a good weekend.

Im not to bad..... feeling a bit ****** but other then that Im ok...... Ive spoke to Kirsten today and she is doing ok.... I would be much happier if she was doing better... As she has been on the tamiflu for nearly a week I think ..... But thats just me being a medic..... I am alwys worried about others lool..... Specialy her!! She keeps me going ..... Im sure she will get there but her body needs time.... As you know ..... But I will keep you updated as it happens

I am BACK! Finally....

But not completely out of the woods yet. Yes, I am over the swine flu (and FooZe, I kept up the nutrition even better than usual despite feeling ill! ) and I am now up and about, but still quite weak with the muscles and everything. It's like being a kid again! Learning how to walk and stuff, but then I feel old because of the way I walk!

Whilst having swine flu, I not only suffered the flu itself, but I collapsed (whilst on the phone to Didi! --- How embarrassing!!! ) and spilled my drink, allllll over my chest of drawers, which I didn't discover until I could actually see a few days later, then my asthma decided it hated me and my chest started to close up and tighten.. It was like someone was constantly sat on me! Then my IBS started to kick up because the rest of my body wasn't good which made things a hundred times worse!

I went to see my dr as soon as I could because everytime I was sick, I was bringing up blood and every time I ate, no matter how hard I tried to keep the food down, my body would reject it and it would come back up. Showers became frequent (even at 3am!!!) because I was sweating and throwing up profusely and in the end, baths became a part of that to make it easier because I could hardly stand up, let alone shower!

BUT I have fought through that, as I do with everything that comes my way (somehow... Please don't ask me how!!!!) and now have tonsillitus! Oh the joys.

So, as Didi said, I was rushed to hospital. Connor called the ambulance when I yelled in pain and clutched my chest a few times and even crouched over trying to breathe. Heart thudding and sometimes stopping, chest feeling tighter and tighter, me sweating and trying not to panic and sitting down, standing up, throwing up, lying down, drinking etc etc, the paramedics came and (whilst apologising), wore suits and masks because of the swine flu and I was taken to hospital. First time for everything they say? Ok. I had my first x-ray and my first chest x-ray at that and I. Was. Petrified! First time in isolation, first time I'd been given gas and air because I was so anxious and worked up and in pain. Took a good few gulps, my body flopped and I was sorted :P then got wheeled into isolation and for the first time, could not stand up to get from one bed to another.. I was highly embarrassed at having to be lifted, but hey ho. Had to be done. Heh. Heh. The hundredth ECG was taken on my heart and the results came back okay apart from a few heart stops and bloods came back okay apart from the infection. Ha. This was the first time that I'd had to have blood taken from an artery near my groin. I was told after groaning "Oh great. Even more painful than just having two failed attempts at the arteries in my wrists!" that having it taken from "down there" was less painful. What a lie!!! I can normally take pain and took it quite well at first, but then started to sweat AGAIN and yelled into the pillow from the pain. The nurse was sooooo kind and kept apologising.

We had a giggly moment when she wanted to look at my tongue and tried to remove - I quote - "the damn ridiculous mask" but couldn't. So she looked at my les instead and apparently they looked healthy enough to her. I was happy. We got on really well, which was nice and we had a good talk, so I didin't feel too lonely! We talked about my self harm a bit. Because.. When she first came in, she saw the scars looking cold and purple and she smoothed them with her fingertips. Strangely, I didn't flinch. Which was nice, but strange. Then she asked me about it and I just started talking the truth about it and she said "are you okay now? I mean.. When was the last time you did anything like this?" And I told her the truth. "I honestly, cannot remember the last time I did it! It was that long ago!" And I laughed and she smiled and seemed happy and congratulated me it made me feel better ummm yeah. She asked if I'd been eating properly recently (heh. After the blood tests came back) and I stumbled. I said; "I'll admit it. I've tried, I'm trying really really hard to because I just want to get rid of all the illness and crappyness, but I'm struggling. But I have been eating at least something everyday and my boyfriend's been around to make sure I am, so I'm getting there" and she asked about that, so I told her bits about it and she said that I seem to be doing okay but I need to look after myself if I want to be okay.

You know, having swine flu and everything else, being rushed to hospital with heart problems and asthma etc, was an eye opener. On the first day when I couldn't walk or even lift my head, I thought it was down to purging 50 times the day before and 8 times that morning. The day before had been on an empty stomach. My friend phoned me and said I sounded so, so bleak and vulnerable. I told her from the heart "I seriously hate this. I hate it and I don't want it. I would rather be dead than be lying here in this stupid effing bed with my head thumping, my body sweating, my throat killing, my whole body aching and me not being able to even lift my stupid head. I wish I were six feet under rather than being here like this. I've never felt so s--t in my life, not even when I ODed" She told me I didn't want to be dead, that I'd get better and that she was there to help me etc. (Funnily enough the friend was Didi!) She saves me everytime! So yeah, this opened my eyes and I thought; 'maybe if this is to do with not eating properly, I should quit on it. Maybe my body's screaming at me now to just quit everything that's making me hurt. Just STOP for once.' But that was soon shot out the window I'm still getting there.

I have been finding it a really rough ride over the past couple of weeks. I had to stop taking allllll my meds - especially my AD's - because of taking Tamiflu for the swine flu, so my mood crashed the other day and I was grumpy and moody and crying and it was HORRID!!!! The Tamiflu made me sick, lack of meds made me sick and the lack of AD's just made me want to die. Fun times I had! So after seeing my dr yesterday, she told me I had to get back on my meds that day. So I did. She also told me to take it easy. Which I'm finding hard now that I'm back on my feet. I just want to blitz my flat, exercise, and do everything I couldn't do while I was ill :-/ but that'll make me ill again so I'm forced to take it easy. Especially after collapsing yesterday when I tried to lift an airer and my legs couldn't take the weight of me let alone the airer with wet clothes on! Oopsie. So today was spent chilling with Connor

I'm getting there slowly, I'm still struggling, but then again I'm still truckin' on as usual. Again, I don't know how I do it.

I've probably forgotten a load of stuff, so if you want to know any more just ask.. I'm tired! Even after almost 2 weeks in bed..

And Didi.. Thank you for relaying messages and such, you're a star and don't deny it! I love you very muchly my good friend and I'm glad I keep you going!If I didn't, I'd be uselss as your friend!
But yeah. Thanks for being here and helping me lots You're awesome and I loves you

thanks for your replies everyone, they mean a lot

((((((((((TPND))))))))))

I'm so glad to see you back and feeling a little better!

Yay FooZe! I'm glad you're happy to see me back!

Yeahhh, I may have tonsillitus but I'm still fighting! Although... I did lose a fair amount of weight, which has spurred me on even more again. I am working on that.

I'm going to be staying with Connor tomorrow so that he can look after me again I like being looked after. He had a bad night last night, so I made him a cup of tea (it solves everything!) and ran a bath for him, which he agreed really cheered him up, despite him not really wanting a bath very much he was very happy afterwards, so I was very happy

I slept so, so well last night for the first time in aaaages and although I feel slightly weak today, I'm feeling a bit happier, so all's good... Ish.

I understand how you feel on the "Gaaaaahhhhh! Just wish I'd go away" I've been in your shoes. Waking up in the hospital totally pissed off cause I'm still here. I actually made to the other side (No, I don't remember what it was like...don't really remember it at all) they told me that they had to bring me back. I was totally pissed because after the attempt before that one I tried to get a DNR taken care of. I guess suicide attempts negate a DNR order, I didn't know that.

Well anyway, my point is that I made so many family members sit and cry and get angry and have all sorts of emotions. I was being selfish, bigtime. I have two kids and they didn't understand why daddy didn't want to be with them anymore. They thought that they made me that way. After I got over the selfish fact of being pissed to be alive (they finally moved my bed into my own room and took off the straps) a huge wall of shame came over me. I don't know how many days I sobbed.

So, I ask you to PLEASE, stay in your own skin, OK? There are people who need you. It sounds like Connor loves you and cares about you. Listen to him.

...and look for another doctor...they're supposed to care about you.

Great that you are still there TPND! You have had such the bad run ofluck lately, I was thinking we were going to have to buy stock in bubble wrap and pack you're whole flat
very glad that you are feeling better, but you gotta take care of yourself, hun. That is scary stuff! Very glad to have you back

I know, I know! Just keep the stock ready, just in case! Hee.

I know I have to take care of myself, but as I just wrote on an ED forum:

S.T.O.P! That's what everyone spells out to me lately. They tell me "Just stop for once! Sit down, lie down, put your feet up for once! Just give yourself a break woman! You do far too much as it is. Give yourself a break"

But if being ill with swine flu, severe asthma resulting in possibly being put on steroids, being weak all the time and having tonsillitus won't stop me from just doing everything for everyone, what the hell will?

You know.. The first day that I came down with swine flu I lay in bed thinking. I started to cry. I thought; 'what if me purging, starving, restricting all the time caused this? What if I'm just gonna keep getting as ill as this from treating my body like crap?' I had an epiphany. I was going to push harder to stop this. But then the sudden fear gripped me: I'd have to put on weight and maintain it. And no way do I feel willing to do that yet I feel gripped by such fear everytime that Itry to avoid the scales, everytime I try to avoid purging or starving. I just start to shake and get anxious and just start doing things to take my mind off that.

I wish I wasn't like this, I wish I wasn't making myself ill... But everytime I step onto those scales, I dread seeing the needle go up over the number it was on the day before, but every time it goes below and yet I still dread it. Connor's commented on how bony I'm getting, saying that I've lost enough weight now, I should stop but I just keep going and it hurts him.

I just feel like giving up. When I was ill, my statement of "I would rather be dead than stuck in bed doing nothing, being lazy, with people trying to force me to eat and just feeling generally awful and the worst I've ever felt in my whole life" came from the heart. It made me stop and think just what I felt deep down.

I have crashed, my moods have gone crap and that's because I had to stop taking my AD's and anti anxiety meds because of the swine flu medication I was taking. Everyday, no matter how weak I was, I'd still get up and weigh myself and everytime the needle went down, I would feel such an excited flutter inside. I shouldn't feel this. I should feel guilty. I should be putting on weight, but I'm just too scared to..

I just don't even know what to do or how to feel anymore. I feel like a hollow body with no soul, like I'm just dragging everybody under with me

Sorry for the blab.. I'm tired... I need sleep.
__________________________________________________________________

It's all true stuff.. That's prettty much how I feel. I'm just crashing all over the place with my mood.. I just hope this weekend brings good things...

G'night dear. Sleep well!

Hi, (((((TPND))))) - Glad you're feeling better - good to see you back in the Forums. Have you ever tried to separate your inner self from your physical self? I have found this to be very useful in dealing with chronic pain all of my life - came in handy with my abusive family, too. If you view your body as just a biochemical machine rather than a significant part of your identity, it's easier to view it objectively. Just like any other machine, it needs certain things to fuel it and maintain structural integrity. Food is simply the fuel, water, oil, fatty acids, calcium, protein, carbs, and other substances that the body-machine needs to function properly - including the brain. When you are ill, you need to allow the body to use all of its reserve resources to heal itself; when you are healthy, you need to provide it with the proper resources to keep your immune system strong so that it is able to fight off or recover from illness. Also, providing the brain with the best possible environment so that it is operating at peak efficiency allows your mind to function better, as well. I hope that perhaps viewing your body this way can possibly make it easier for you to do for yourself what you need to do to care for yourself. Hope you are getting better and better every day.

Glad you are back TPND!!!

Yes, glad you're back from your "adventure," TPND! I agree - rest as best you can.

Hey, if you already know you're going to dread it whichever way it goes, why pay any attention to it at all? Figure out what a medically appropriate weight range for you would be, get yourself into that range, and then you can afford to say **** the needle.

(Did you just miss a cue or something? There were people in my family of origin who, if I'd come down with something called "swine flu", would have kidded me about what an appropriately-named disease I'd picked -- just to cheer me up, of course! )

((((((((((TPND)))))))))) Keep on recovering!

No, FooZe. I made the joke about people having a reason to call me a pig and how apprpriate it was that I had SWINE flu. Hahahaha. Yeah. I made that joke to quite a few people and they glared at me saying I'm not a pig, I'm not fat and all that sort of stuff, but they do get the joke and chuckle a bit, so... It did cheer me up a little. But I couldn't laugh because of stupid tonsillitis! I couldn't even swallow dammit! Still kept people humoured though. Somehow!

I know I'm in the medically appropriate weight range, but I have 16 days to get to my goal. Not even that now. Today is practically over, so I have 15 days to do it. I have to lose a stone - approx 7kg in 15 days. That's 1lb a day. I have it all figured out because I know I can lose 6lbs in a week... I can't stop thinking about it, it's just buzz buzz buzzing around in my head and arrrrgh! It never stops

My sleep's terrible because I'm so anxious, even with the sleeping tablets, it's bad and Connor has been having to stay with me almost everyday because he;s so worried about my moods and stuff. I think he knows I'm suicidal again. I just want to take all the tablets I have again

Jeez. This isn't me. I hate myself right now.

(((((((((TPND)))))))))) Now don't listen to that voice, dear. Bit of a check here. Is a weight goal worth killing yourself over? Especially since your getting there was interrupted by a serious illness? No, it's not. Is tonsilitus worth killing yourself over? I admit, I wanted to slit my own throat to get at the tonsiles a few times in the past when they have been infected, but otherwise.... no. Thoughts have a way of buzzing around and creating a scnario that is not even close to reality. The worst thing is, THEY AREN*T EVEN REAL! It's basically a case of thinking that because I can think of a five headed hippo that rides bicycles, it has to exist somehow. Thoughts and feelings can come up without any real connection to the real world. Just cause you feel like soemthing is oing to happen or has happened, doesn't mean it has or will.
Give yourself time to get betterTPND, and please please please don't hurt yourself even in your unreal thoughts

I'm still alive, and still haven't hurt myself and I'm over the tonsillitis, but IBS is reeeeally attacking my system right now, eve though I've been trying my damndest to just sort this out and eat as close to normal amounts as I can. I'm struggling like hell, but I'm doing pretty well actually. For now.

At least I am able to get up and walk around, do what I need to do everyday and at least I finally cooked a full, proper meal yesterday! :woohoo: I cooked a roast for Connor and I and had some nibbles with him and strangely managed to keep it down. Don't ask me how! His Dad wouldn't let me refuse chocolate when it was offered to me, though. Hmmm. I struggled with that one, but got through it somehow

I'm just trying to get through this ******* depression. Had to have the dose of my AD's doubled and my dr wants to do blood tests again. Oh JOY!!! Think they'll turn out okay though. Hope, hope, hoping...

Anyway. I'm on a bit of a sugar high today. Having a fair amount of sugar after practically none has turned me absolutely crazy, winding people up and giggling my sorry little butt off. :P People don't mind, they like to see me happy. It's a nice contrast to the quiet, unhappy person I normally am. I just don't ever want to go back there, but it'll happen, but I'm prepared

[QUOTE=ThePainNeverDies;1177781 IBS is reeeeally attacking my system right now, eve though I've been trying my damndest to just sort this out and eat as close to normal amounts as I can. I'm struggling like hell, but I'm doing pretty well actually. For now.

At least I am able to get up and walk around, do what I need to do everyday and at least I finally cooked a full, proper meal yesterday! :woohoo: I cooked a roast for Connor and I and had some nibbles with him and strangely managed to keep it down. Don't ask me how! His Dad wouldn't let me refuse chocolate when it was offered to me, though. Hmmm. I struggled with that one, but got through it somehow
[/QUOTE]

Hey, good for you! Inflammatory Bowel Diseases are so difficult to deal with! I sympathize 100% (I have Crohn's disease). When I'm having a rough CD day, I try to pick one or two things that really make me happy, because that way I enjoy eating a little more

And not just sweets! There's this cheesy rice by Zataran's that, for some reason, make my taste buds do the hustle!



Feel better, these things can be tough. Sometimes it's the little things that can get you through the toughest times.

TPND, you took antibiotics for the tonsillitis? Antibiotics kill off a lot of our normal flora and make IBS worse. Eating yogurt helps to replace the good bacteria. We do not take antibiotics without eating yogurt or taking probiotics everyday some hours afterwards.

Ariellah, it is true... The little things did get me through some of the toughest times... 3 years ago when I could actually afford to do them I'm now scrimping and saving my butt off, just to make myself happy again... Even for just one hour.

Sannah, the dr didn't say anything to me about eating yoghurts or taking probiotics whilst on antibiotics, and I just didn't bother to think about it. I'm a fool, I know. I guess I was just too caught up in WHY I was so ill and such. My tonsillitis has gone, but my voice has turned soft and husky after trying to sing too soon after being ill, so I have to wait at least 2 weeks now. Gaaaahhhhh!! Just want to get my new CD done!