[justfloating]

I need a break, I need the summer back. Only the summer wasn't doing me any good either because I was at that stupid job that I hated. What I need is motivation, or enthusiasm, or maybe just a clear idea as to what the heck I'm doing. I feel like I'm lost ALL THE TIME. I go from day to day, I get things done but I rarely actually put any effort into them. It's a good thing I'm smart and I'm in a course that generally comes pretty easily to me because if I were struggling with it at all I'd have flunked out by now. My dad thinks what I need is a challenge but a challenge would probably undo me. At the same time, not being challenged or stimulated by anything is driving me crazy. I have no focus. I have nothing to work for. Working towards my degree feels hollow. I've been headed for a degree since the day I was born. Probably before that, even. A degree is honestly nothing special to me. It's not going to make me feel accomplished. It's just something you do, like getting the oil checked in your car or doing your laundry or showering every day. It feels so mechanic, and I can only engage half the time. The other half, I'm lost, because I don't know what I want or who I am or who I'm going to become. I don't have a set path to follow. At least in high school, I focused on getting into university. In high school, everybody was pretty much on the same track and it was easy to just go with the flow. But now that that goal has been achieved and I'm actually IN university it feels like such a hollow victory. I thought things would be so much better in uni but I've come to realized it's just more of the same, working your butt off and stressing over something that's not going to lead anywhere. In my case, this is basically leading towards another degree. It's a degree I actually want. These stepping-stone degrees feel so pointless because all you need is the diploma so you can get where you're ACTUALLY going. And there's no getting there without it. Right now, I'm just ... unfulfilled.

My dad thinks I love to think. It's a funny concept I guess, but to him I've always been such an academic. School almost always came incredibly easy to me. I'm very accomplished in that sense, I suppose. I am at an elite university and the people I know -- my friends, my family -- toss its name around all the time. It drives me insane, because they seem to think that this is some kind of big deal, but I just can't feel it. It's just something that happens, it's just a place I've stopped and don't particularly care to be. I don't tell anyone where I go to school unless they ask. I just have to be here. I just have to get this degree. I happen to have gotten into this university but I did not put any extra effort into it. To me, it's a fluke, a complete accident, nothing to be particularly proud of. I don't feel like I worked to get where I am, I don't feel like I deserve to be where I am because I didn't struggle or consciously try to do it. Somehow I just ended up here. I am only engaged in what I'm doing a fraction of the time, but mostly I'm just waiting. Waiting, working, waiting some more. It's so frustrating. I'm trying to engage, I really really am. I'm trying to find ways to feel fulfilled outside of school. I've signed up to volunteer at a nearby nursing home because I love to be around elderly people and helping out makes me feel good. But it's just going to be more waiting. Waiting around until I can do what I want to, be who I want to, be who I can't be until I'm done waiting. I have two more years of this.

I do actually enjoy thinking, just not in the way that people who see me as a brainiac or an academic think I do. I like to consider things. I like to think about people. I like to observe and I like to record. I like to think about things in a sort of rambling way. I get fixated on something for a while. Last week, it was women during the Holocaust. I spent all afternoon at the library reading about it one day. I was supposed to be translating a news article from French to English that had nothing to do with that subject. It has nothing to do with my studies and I am behind because I waste my time thinking about and learning about things that don't even apply to my course. I am good at what I'm doing and I do enjoy it ... when I get around to thinking about it. But I'm a thoughtful person in the sense that my mind is ALWAYS GOING and I can't focus on anything too long before I'm off exploring something else.

What I can do is write. I'm good at it. I write stories. I can focus on stories, because I usually have at least two going at the same time, two simultaneous and usually unrelated trains of thought. I get preoccupied with them, but in a good way, in a productive way. I can sit and write for hours. I've won awards from pure preoccupation. I want to get my Masters of Fine Arts in creative writing. But I need this stupid undergraduate degree first, the degree I only need to get where I'm going. There's no changing course now, I'm locked into my major. I don't even hate my major. I'm taking French literature right now. I like my classes. While I'm in the classroom they're interesting and engaging. The minute I step outside, my mind is elsewhere, and I just can't conjure up any kind of passion for this. I don't have a single-track mind. I love to learn, I love to think, I just can't seem to be productive about it.

[turquoisesea]

(((((((((justfloating))))))

I understand what you're saying about your parents tossing around the name, not understanding. I have a similar situation with them - the school I go to *am on break from* is very well known... it's not pleasent when parents do that. And about the lack of direction. Everything's building up to college - then when you get there you realize it's only the start and you have no idea where to go from there. I'm freaking about it too.

But I think you can find something, I probably can find something too.

It sounds like you love to write. That's GOOD. Sorry that your passion is clouded right now, but it's a start. At least you KNOW that!

Many hugs toyou

[Rohag]

Originally Posted by Justfloating

...I just can't conjure up any kind of passion for this. ...

Hi, Justfloating! This isn't anything you don't already know or sense: getting your degree - any degree - from "prestigious university" is the metaphorical equivalent of obtaining a skeleton key. "Justfloating, graduate of Prestigious University" will open all sorts of doors for you for the rest of your life. Fulfillment and happiness may not be behind most of those doors, but at least you'll be able to open them relatively easily.

You're paying your "dues" to enter an exclusive club. Once you've got your membership card, you never have to look back if you don't want.

Best of all, "Prestigious University Graduate" gives you a wonderful excuse to either keep moving or settle at a comfortable distance from problematic family.

[googley]

(((((Justfloating))))))
I know how hard it can be to get that motivation going to do anything. And it just seems ridiculous because as soon as one task is done another pops up. So it seems like it is never ending. I'm right there. Do you have any activities you normally enjoy? I find that those can help me when I am in a rut. I hope you feel better soon.

[lonegael]

(((Justfloating))))) I felt the same way you did for some time. Then I found what topic was really "mine". Suddenly I could focus because I was getting the degree for ME, not because everyone expected me to.

My mother is already starting to try to stress my son out about "Not being able to focus on what he really wants" and deciding he doesn't want to be a vet. The kid is 15! The thing is, it's not what he wants that she thinks counts, it's what she wants. I have told her to lay off and comiserated with my kid, who luckily just shruggs and said "Whatever".

I agree with Rohag, but I do think it will get a lot better the closer you get to being able to study "your" stuff. Just some of those hoops we gotta jump through.

[Lboogieg]

((((justfloating)))) Right after my own heart! I too love to write -- I graduated last August with a Bachelor of Arts in Journalism and I feel just like you do about it; hollow. The only difference is, while I was working for it I was fulfilled! I was excited to get my undergrad degree 'cause I wasn't planning on going any further if it wasn't necessary.

I love to observe and report as well, but I think the main reason my degree feels hollow now is because I'm doing nothing with it. Our field is tight and while I've been applying, I haven't found anything yet.

I'm sorry you feel unfulfilled in undergrad life! People usually do make bigger deals out of universities than are necessary. Your family is more than likely just proud to brag about you and your accomplishments. My dad is definitely like that. I also know the feeling of having no passion. My dad keeps accusing me of not having passion for journalism 'cause I'm not flushing out articles, but I'm just not motivated right now for some reason.

I say keep pushing on! Undergrad will pass quicker than you think, and you'll be free to delve further into your passion! Hopefully we'll both be passionate sooner than later.