[ariellah89]

i feel so frustrated!!!!

by bf is convinced that it's his fault i'm depressed. it's impossible for him to understand the difference between "sad" and "depressed". my anxiety is through the roof. how can i tell him that this is like a big wound inside me, not anything he could cause, that it's been with me for years and years? how can i make him understand that it's not him that drives my want to SI (which i haven't done in 2 years but i admitted to him i've been thinking about it often)? urgh. thoughts? advice? help.

[Rohag]

Hi, Ariellah! What kind of fellow is your bf? What's his personality like?

In any event, you can hardly go wrong (?) gently informing him

• he's not the cause of your sadness/depression, and
• he's not responsible for "curing" you.

In addition to feeling guilty over your illness, your bf may feel your relationship is contingent on his success in "making you better." If he perceives that as his responsibility, it might be weighing heavily on him.

[ariellah89]

he is a "doer" always trying/working on something. plus he's very pensive and esoteric.

i tried explaining to him, but i think it's hard for people to understand a behavior(s) that they've never dealt with.

thanks for the advice

[stefano]

Depression is a disease, organically based. He needs to understand this. It is the pure truth but so hard to understand for many.

[carrie-19]

hey,
my bf is the same a lot of the time.i have the same problem. its so hard when he gets upset because he feels helpless to do anything about my mood and he thinks he caused it.for me i really do just have to explain to him that hes helping me get better rather than making it worse.its not easy tryin to explain this sometimes but once you both get this it will be easier on you .
jus say its not you,its a problem ive had for a while . tell him (if its true that is) that he helps you rather then hinders you.that might be nice to hear for him and make him believe you.
hope that helps(:
carrie xo

[justfloating]

What about finding some resources for your boyfriend to read about depression? There are lots of great articles and books out there -- even some tailored specifically to the loved ones of depression sufferers -- that might be able to help him understand what you're going through.

If that doesn't help, try using this analogy (it's worked for me in the same situation): "If I had any other disease, would you think you caused it? If I had diabetes, would you think that was your fault, or that there was anything you could do to fix it? How about if I fell down the stairs one day and broke my leg? Could you make it heal any faster?"

It might be that your boyfriend is feeling a little helpless in the face of your depression, too. My dad is that way. When my depression was really bad, he drove himself crazy worrying about me, and the fact that he couldn't really do anything made him feel pretty helpless. And the fact that I was making my dad miserable just made me feel even worse, so it was sort of a vicious cycle. Finally I told him that loving me was enough, that knowing he cared about me on the days I was incapable of caring about myself was the best thing for me. And I humoured him. He calls me a lot to see how I'm doing and I make the time to talk and assure him I'm okay; he tells stupid jokes that aren't actually funny but I laugh so he thinks they help; he looks up all kinds of information I already know about treatment options and I thank him for this advice and his understanding. Sometimes, for the "doers" like my dad and your boyfriend, I think the worst thing is for them to feel useless. If you can, just let your boyfriend do whatever it is he wants to cope and help with your depression. Even if it's not directly helping you, and as long as it's not putting any kind of pressure on you, it may calm him down enough to wind up lowering your anxiety levels as well.