Adult son still doesn't want to live

My 22 year old, handsome, intelligent, and interesting son told me today again that life is not worth living. He already attempted suicide on Oct. 4 and was hospitalized for six days. All he did while in the hospital was manipulate and lie until they let him out. He is being treated as an outpatient by an excellent M.D. but so far he refuses to comply with the medication. He was prescribed Buspar and Remron.

He has been so very depressed most of his life. He was a difficult child and always very hard on himself and so serious compared to other kids. He has an extremely high IQ but he cannot pass his college courses. Now, he has taken to hard drinking to handle his feelings. I think the drinking plus Xanax may have been the reason for his trying to hang himself. He can find no joy, no hope, no love in the world - at least that what he has indicated to us.

Our whole family is so traumatized, so afraid he will do this again. He has three siblings that love him very much but they have all suffered because of all of his problems - for years he has taken so much time and attention but it has only gotten worse. Since he is now almost 23 I am at a loss as to how to handle this anymore. I have three other children who are younger than him and we have no peace in our lives anymore.

He keeps insinuating now that he will try to kill himself again - nothing specific but the threat is always palpatable. I just need to get this off my chest - I'm starting to really feel this stress in physical ways. I don't know why this can't ever get better. He could have so much in life, and he has had a lot of advantages. He has blown all his money, all his opportunities and he has just retreated into himself.

Even though we could ill-afford it, and we could not take a vacation this year - we gave him money to go to Florida with friends, hoping to help him turn some kind of corner. Thanks for listening - it's so hard to talk about this with even good friends. They try to give advice but always it's obvious stuff that we've already tried. It's just so painful to talk about and so hard to get the words out of your mouth - that your child tried to take his own life.

((((((Charmane)))))
It must be the hardest thing to live with.
Can you try to convince your son to get help...
I wish I had the words to comfort you but here are some more hugs:

Hello,
it sound like he is punishing the family. Could it be? I know a person who attempeted suicide, and hospitalization was of great help, especially as separation from the same old habits, places and people. I know this sounds cruel, but maybe separate you son from you and otehr familiy nenbers may help. He may be left no one to punish, suicide may lose its allure.

Please, I'm tossing my opinion in the awareness that it may be a pile of stupid and dangerous crap. Just submitted to your careful evaluation (and the doctors' too, obviously).

Good luck

*hugs*

I'm sorry for what you're going through.
I wish I had some advice to help out, it sounds like you are doing everything you can. Wishing you the best

I applaud your bravery in sharing these things, Charmane. You know the viciousness of depression first-hand. Strength to you and all your family for whatever lies ahead - and may that include life for your son.

(((((Charmane)))))) Thanks for bringing this out. I'm wondering, is there anyone you can go to to talk aboutthis? Do you have a pastor, or a free clinic or something where you can see a counselor or psychologist? You are under horrible stress right now, and I understand totally you're need to take care of the rest of the family as well as this son who is ill.
I hope you don't feel wounded by stefano's suggestion. Sometimes people who are severely depressed are reacting more to their version of reality rather than to reality, and that can be very different than what you know and feel to be true. Hospitalization may help just becasue it can make a break with the environment that he is in the habit of seeing as negative and force him to reevaluate and choose a new course of acting and feeling. It does NOT mean that you are a bad, uncaring mother or ever have been. He is interacting more with his inner world than to you. My hear t goes out to you and I hope very much that help can be found. Hang in there! Please keep posting!!!!

((Charmane))

It is hard for me to relate to your experience with your eldest son. I can understand, as a mother myself, how painful and frustrating it must be for you and other family members to see this happening. My children are still very young though ~7 and 5 years.

I have struggled with major depression a few times in my life, so it's difficult for me not to take your son's depression into consideration. There are physical changes within the brain when depression strikes. The changes have been scientifically studied for several years. The good part is that the depression isn't simply a "bad attitude" of the sufferer. It is very real. There are several different types of treatment for major depression. Medications (there are many!) and various therapy types are the main treatments.

Different medications work for different people. It often takes a good amount of time to find the right medication to treat the problem. It also takes time for people to develop a sense of trust and honesty with therapists. That is the sad, hard part of the illness. Further, some people are wired with treatment-resistant major depression. It doesn't mean that people don't care about them, or that they don't care about other people in their lives. It's just very hard to enjoy life when the good neurotransmitter chemicals aren't attaching to the neurons in the brain.

That said, take a step back from your son if you need to. You do need to protect yourself and family from physical and emotional harm. But, do continue to show your eldest son that you do love him. Phone calls, regular visits, try to be there when he needs to talk so he can still feel that love you have for him. I wish you all the best.

Shez

When I was in my early 20s, I tried to kill myself. I can emphasize with your son. Decades have passed since my attempt, and I'm still alive, but also still depressed.

Chances are, the family dynamic that you are all facing is not a healthy one for any of you. Your idea to send your son to Florida recognized the fact that you needed a vacation from each other.

If you can think of anyplace that your son can go to on a long-term basis to be in a different environment with different people, then the solution may lie there.

Hi Charmane,
this must be very agonizing for you. I lost my brother to suicide a year and a half ago. It's very devastating to family and friends. Maybe he can join PC to talk about his feelings. Here is a good website for your son:
http://www.metanoia.org/suicide/ Please keep in touch because you need support too.

I assume that when you say "MD" you mean psychiatrist. Because if he is seeing someone other than a psychiatrist, he is wasting his time. Only psychiatrists know how to diagnose serious MI and prescribe medications properly. But I'm sure you know this. Just checking.

I agree. More than that though, I think he ALSO needs to see a psychologist for therapy in conjunction with the medications. I also would call the kid on his "bluff" and get him placed in some sort of residential program. He probably also needs assessed for alcohol and drug addiction/abuse. I don't ever take statements of suicidal intentions to chance. If they feel bad enough to make the statement, intention doesn't really factor into it--the kid needs help ASAP before it spirals out of control again.

------Ooooo a kitty cat!

(((Charmane))
So sorry this is happening . I often wonder myself how anyone can commit suicide. I think about it all the time . But they are just thoughts. I hope that's all it turns out to be with your son. Thoughts.
Nobody knows what he is really thinking .
Just because he seems to have everything going for him obviously doesn't mean much. There is something going on that only he knows and I hope he continues to fight these intrusive thoughts.
Take care and if he gets worse please seek professional help.
Wishing all the best to you and your family.

I'm sorry your son is feeling this way.
I can relate though- as I feel the same way myself.