[justfloating]

I feel ... strange. I don't expect any of this to make sense but I'm a little freaked out by it all. Emotionally, I'm actually very much at peace. I've mentioned in other posts that I feel pretty good in terms of my mood. Today I took a long walk, just to enjoy the fact that it's autumn and that the weather was nice and to get some fresh air, and the whole time I was walking I was just amazed at how good I felt. So let me just stress before I try to explain this that emotionally, I'm doing very well.

I'm pretty sure that whatever is going on with me has little or nothing to do with my mood. I'm posting it here, though, because mentally I think I might be in the same headspace I was in when I was very depressed. The depression made it impossible for me to do much of anything, so I would spend hours upon hours staring at the ceiling, unable to get myself moving because I was just too tired. I had absolutely no focus or concentration, and no interest in the things that I had previously enjoyed. I was pretty much a classic case, I think.

Now, since my mood has improved, I'm starting to notice there's something kind of weird going on inside my head. I feel really empty. Not in a bad way, not the way I would have felt when I was depressed -- as in, unfulfilled, lonely, uninterested and unengaged. I feel empty as in sometimes, my mind just goes blank. Just typing this is really difficult, as I have to stop every few seconds and try to force myself to remember what I'm talking about, force my mind to pick out the words I need to describe it. My attention just keeps slipping away. I don't always notice it when it's happening, either, which is scary too. It's sort of like when you're reading a book, and even though physically you're still reading -- your eyes are still taking in the words -- your mind is elsewhere, until suddenly you've finished the chapter but have no idea what just happened. It's like that. My mind goes elsewhere, but I'm not actually thinking about anything else. I'm not thinking about anything at all, not even the things I'm doing. I will start to wash the dishes, or I'll get in the shower, or I'll be walking somewhere, and all of a sudden, I'm halfway or even all the way through what I was doing but I can't say that I actually remember doing it. It's like my mind was just gone for a few minutes.

I'm losing track of time, too. I was sitting at my desk, trying to write, and I looked up for a moment and was just staring at the wall, trying to come up with the next phrase, when all of a sudden fifteen minutes had passed and I'd been staring into space without even realizing it. That happened to me quite a bit when the depression was bad, in that I would sit and stare, stare, stare, for minutes or even hours, but I always knew it was what I was doing, there was always a voice at the back of my head telling me I was wasting my time and look at how useless I was being (in the way depression does...) Now there's nothing. There's absolute blankness in my head. I'm a little scared; I'd almost rather have those berating voices back, at least so I could be aware of what was going on.

Does anyone know what's happening to me? Is it an effect of depression, or is it something else altogether? I'm going to mention it to my counsellor when I see her but I can't get an appointment for at least a week. I'm on meds (225mg venlafaxine), and have been for almost a year. It's done wonders for me. I've never had any problems with it before, so I doubt it's a side effect, but if anyone has experienced something like this because of their meds, maybe I should get it checked out? I have no idea what's going on and i'm starting to get freaked out!

[crystalrose]

imo, it sounds like dissociation.

[Naturefreak]

(((Justfloating)))
Does your mind go blank or is your thinking just all over the place . As in lack of concentration. Too much on your mind . Or just blank - zero -nothing ?
I have trouble with concentrating on what I am currently doing because I'm thinking about all the terrible things that haven't happened yet and just know one day they will . It prevents me from enjoying the NOW . When I go for walks now the fall colors are beautiful and I feel great . I just take my dog and camera along and enjoy as much of the day as I can . The only trouble is we had only one sunny day in October. Rain , rain and more rain.
Good luck with your councellor , maybe they can shed some light on the situation. Take care of yourself Rebecca.

[googley]

(((((((Justfloating)))))
I agree with Crystalrose that it sounds somewhat like dissociation. I don't really have any suggestions except to try and relax. Are you especially stressed out right now even if you aren't feeling depressed? I hope that you can get in to see your counselor soon. Do you have a pdoc you could get into sooner? Best wishes.

[billieJ]

The above responders seem to be offering good information. Venlafaxine does not effect me in the way you describe. I almost wish it did. If I could blank out in the shower, I wouldn't have to worry so much about falling while I was in it! What you describe otherwise sounds something like a med effect, but the above responders seem to know more about dissasociation than I do. I know that I can be thinking about something and not realize what I am currently doing or can dissociate into an interesting activity, but I am not sure that is the same thing. Please be sure and tell your T. and Congrats on losing your depressed mood! billieJ

[googley]

I was thinking. I get the same type of thing (apart from my normal dissociation) if I forget my Effexor. Even one dose can have me feeling weird by the time i'm supposed to take the next one. It has really bad withdrawal effects for some people. Could you have missed a dose? Hope you feel better.

[trevorzero]

Some people go through hours of meditation in order to reach a point of clarity and emptiness that you have found yourself in. So try to see what positive aspects your situation may have for you.

Don't let your fear overcome you. Relax a little.

[Pomegranate]

Could this be a side effect of some medication you are taking? I was on Abilify and it really pulled me out of my suicidal depression very quickly. But after 4 months I noticed I was emotionally numb and that my head was empty, similiar to what you describe. So I talked with my pdoc and stopped the Abilify and now feel much more normal. I'm still on several medications for anxiety and depression but being off the Abilify really help stop that "empty, blank" feeling.

[shezbut]

Interesting, Rebecca.

I've had that happen to me many times. I take it as me having too much to think about & being unable to think at all. I then let myself dissociate. Simply allowing it is much easier than trying to ponder why I can't think or feel anything.


Shez

[Fuzzybear]

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