[Isaac25]

How do I deal with my wifes depression? When is enough just enough? How do I treat her? Should I tell her to get over it or should I leave her alone and let her deal with it?

[Rmdctc]

I would see if you can HELP her get into some therapy and HELP her get some meds from her dr to help her depression. I know first hand how hard it is to deal with a loved one that is very depressed but I want to stress how important it is to HELP, LOVE, and SUPPORT her through this very tough time for her. I would also suggest you find a support group for yourself or some private therapy.

[Rapunzel]

It is your right to set limits, and to do what is necessary for you to be able to live a life worth living, even if that means leaving her and moving on. But please remember that the depression is an illness. Depression isn't your wife, and isn't something that she chooses. It is something that affects her. She can't "just get over it." It isn't that simple. Would you tell her to get over it if she had cancer? Would you leave if she had cancer or epilepsy or diabetes? A lot of spouses do, but is that the choice you would make?

What I wish that my husband would do is to understand that depression hurts, and that I don't do it on purpose, and it messes up my life and I am as sick of it as he is, or more. There is a reason behind it, even when it isn't apparent. And it isn't just one thing - it is much more complicated, but it isn't a choice. He has never responded to my feelings and my pain. He blames me, and insinuates that I get depressed in order to punish him, when I'm trying to hang on and he keeps pushing until I lose my grip and fall into the pit and can't get out. He talks about how bad my symptoms are for him, without acknowledging that depression is miserable for the one who has it. He alternates between claiming that he is free of any mental health problems whatsoever and accusing me of causing him to have PTSD or depression, which he won't get treatment for because there is nothing wrong with him.

I know it's not easy for a spouse of a person with mental illness. And whether you choose to stay and help her through it, or leave, is up to you. Please try to understand that depression is painful, and that we don't choose it. Don't make it about you (any more than it would be about you if she had diabetes or cancer). Ask her what she would like you to do to help, or how she wishes you would respond to the harder stuff. If you can grow with her and help her to get treatment and recover, your relationship has a chance. If you don't support her recovery, both of you are in for some extra misery if you stay together.

[NuckingFutz]

Something that has helped loved ones is to learn about depression. If you google "loved ones caring for those with depression" or variations of that should bring something up. I know that you care or you would not have taken the time to register and post here. Wish more loved ones would. Hang in there. With the right help, depression is treatable.

[Sabrina]

My husband found it very hard to deal with my depression and largely left me alone. I felt unsupported and unloved. He once told me to get over it and it hurt more than anything for I was simply unable to just get over it!
Your wife needs you and you obviously care for her and love her. Be there for her. Help her to get help. This can be beaten!

[VickiesPath]

I only last night talked with an old work colleague who's husband had fallen into a deep depression after his mother died. It had become so bad that they had separated at his request. This was very difficult on their two children and on their relationship in general because, altough he knew that the depression he was experiencing had been triggered by his mother's death, it was actually an illness he had been suffering for a long time at a lower grade and the death of his mother only brought it to the forefront and emphasized the necessity to get treatment. My friend was attending support classes and learning about depression when her husband suddenly and unexpectedly ended his life. Needless to say, this has devastated their family.

Depression is not something you can simply "get over" nor is it simply sadness or a passing mood. It is a bonafide medical illness requiring treatment and family support and understanding. Like any other serious illness, yes, it is hard on the family of the sufferer. However, it is treatable. What makes it hard are two things: you can't see it and it effects behavior. But family members can learn how to react to it and help themselves and the person who has depression.

[NuckingFutz]

So isaac- is any of this helping your situation? Sometimes it helps us to know how we are doing so we can be as helpful as possible.