I don't want to go back there.

I really wouldn't blame anyone who can't be bothered to read all of this - I have so much pent up inside me I envisage this being a stupidly long post but I just have to get it all out.

First time forum user, long time sufferer of depression. I cannot remember there being any time "before depression". I know a lot of people may feel that way, but is it normal that a 5 year old wants to kill themselves because they couldn't cope with their unhappiness? For years it mostly came out as temper tantrums, breaking almost everything in sight, but at times it came to my mum having to hide the kitchen knives or getting my big brothers to pin me down to stop me hitting myself and pulling my own hair. At 11 I started running away from home and at 13 started cutting myself. I saw doctor after doctor who told me it was just my hormones and that I would grow out of it. About 4 years ago I was put on my first lot of anti-depressants following an abortion I was pushed into having. I spent nearly a year on a waiting list to see a psychiatrist who yelled at me and made me feel worse. My faith in doctors and the NHS almost died completely.

Last year I suffered what I would consider a minor breakdown but somehow became overwhelmingly determined to overcome this once and for all. Fortunately I had moved town and doctor and finally got some decent medical support. I've now been on a combination of anti-depressants and beta-blockers for over a year and this year I've finally been feeling 'normal'. Although a lot of that is probably due to my amazing boyfriend - my rock, my saviour - as we have also been together for just over a year (living together for the past 3-4 months and it couldn't be better). I should also mention my wonderful counsellor who helped me last year but unfortunately I had to stop seeing because I couldn't afford it anymore (all NHS support received was NOT helpful so I had to go private).

But now it's getting bad again and I'm so scared of going back to my 'old ways'.

As you can imagine making friends is not exactly something that has come easy to me, nor keeping them. Although my figure attracting a lot of male attention may sound great to some it has led to a lot of difficult and self-distructive situations.
So having been in the same job and having the same group of friends for over 3 years now has been a feat I was incredibly proud of.

But now my job just makes me feel useless, disrespected, worthless. And my 'best friend' has spent the last year either ignoring me or making snide/snappy remarks.
I know big corporate businesses probably all treat their employees all the same way - I know of loads of people in my work place who are unreasonably unhappy with their jobs - but why does it affect me to the point where I have been unable to go to work (or think about it without crying) for the past couple of weeks? I've tried going into the office but just burst into tears as soon as I get there, or even in the shower trying to get ready to go, or in bed as soon as my alarm goes.
I've also pretty much stopped going out the last couple of months. My friends are all very much into their drinking and I've just lost all interest in sitting in the same pubs again drinking the same drinks and having the same conversations any more. I just don't want to drink. And believe me, they're not the sort of people you can go out with and not drink. Give it an hour or so and it becomes incredibly dull.

So I tried to force myself out again this weekend because I'm worried about how much I am withdrawing into myself. Friday I was so bored by 9 o'clock I just wanted to cry. I couldn't find anything to say to anyone. I just felt like I didn't fit in anymore.
Last night we went to see Eddie Izzard at the Brighton Centre (group of 8 of us). We've had the tickets booked for most of the year and I've really been looking forward to it but when we got there this girl who I used to consider my best friend (previously mentioned) just snapped at me and made snide remarks that just made me feel so small. But then I got angry. I don't deserve this.

I deserve better than all this. I am smarter and work harder than anyone else in my office and I deserve the respect and the reward of someone with as much experience and industry knowledge as me. (I know some of you will scoff at this as I am only 24, but that's your prerogative). And I am a good person. I've never deliberately done anything to hurt anyone (other than myself). I've always tried to be there for anyone who needed me and will always put everyone else's feelings ahead of my own. I don't deserve some stupid girl making *****y remarks for absolutely no reason whatsoever.

So now I'm angry. And upset. And I can't sleep/eat. And I'm lonely (I would love a good night out with laughing and dancing etc). My boyfriend is great and does try his hardest, but doesn't always know what to do (how could he?). And I worry that one day he will give up trying and realise he deserves better and I'll lose him, and that I'll lose my job and won't be able to pay for my share of the flat, and that I'm 'losing the fun' again, and that I might spiral back into the pit of despair once more.

I don't want to go back there.