[Frankz]

please forgive me...i'd usually have good grammar but atm im just not in the mood..

i feel so horrible.
apparently i've ruined my sisters self confidence, and she has none now. everything i do leads to another horrible thing.
i feel like the spawn of the devil.

and, me hurting my sisters confidence is no help to me. my confidence has been hurt so bad, i hate the fact that im actually taking it out on here, and my moms.

i talk to them both terrible. i dont mean anything i say, but it just comes out of anger.

i may go live with my dad. there was an argument tonight and my rabbit was threatened to go live in the cold, dark basement.
i said i'd go myself too, if she was going there too.

the argument in the first place was my fault.

i wont lie, i call my sister names alot. but she does it too, and she just never gets 'caught' so to say =/

i dont even bother arguing about that anymore.

i dont think anyone has realized what stress has been put on me.

when my mom was coming off methadone, *I* was there to help her. cook for her. and make her feel better.

and now i worry about her going to get medicine, like xanax or vicodin, from her old 'drug' friends.

we live in a bad area, and it scares me.
and to think that of all this, i manage to keep all a's and one b's in my classes...

as some [very few] ppl know, i used to cut myself because i felt so ugly and bad about myself last year.

i dont want to go through that again..

my apologies will help for a few days to everyone, but then ill just get angry and take it out on someone.

i dont know how to find a therapist. no one in my family knows ive ever cut myself. only 2 best friends.

i feel like now whenever i apologize for something ive done, it doesnt matter. itll just go to waste soon.

and now that nothing much bothers me, my rabbit is the only thing that can be used. i love her and if im told she'll be taken to a shelter, i get mad.

im sorry about this. i just had to let it out

Thanks for posting, Frankz. Your behavior seems to follow a recurring pattern. Despite being remorseful, the pattern continues. My thought is that you would benefit from professional help. Perhaps medication or therapy or both would help you handle your anger more effectively?

Please continue to post so we know how you are doing.

Good luck.

[NuckingFutz]

You mentioned you did not know where to get help. Your school counselor would be a good place to start. And tell Bunny to keep a low profile because helps with your mood.

[Shangrala]

Frankki~

You've mentioned that you might move with your dad? Do you think that's really possible, or necessary? Why would that happen? As a result of what is happening at home? What about your school? Would you have to change schools as a result, as well?

NF is right, school counselor is the first step for seeking help..at least if only to be advised into the right direction.
You're getting good grades in the school you're presently at, (your freshman year..right?). It's working out there for you at this time. I'd hate to know that you'd have to change schools if you did move with your dad.

It's hard to say what would be the best choice for you at this point, other than seeking help through your school counselor. See what your options are that way before you take it any further.

I'm sorry you're going through all this at home. I know you've been through so much already. Despite all that does happen at home, always know that your mom and sis loves you.

I know personally how wonderful of a person you ARE.
Keep the faith. Message me if you want, anytime. You know that.

Much &

Shangrala

[Rohag]

Hi Frankz! (Oh, and please say "Hi!" for me to Sunny, your high maintenance rabbit who has the nerve to beg for treats - Sunny must know our mutant shepherd...)

Reading your post I'm struck by the dysfunctional environment that imposes on you tasks and stresses a young person ideally should not have to face. I would be surprised if you and everyone else in your home did not act in ways that express the dysfunction surrounding you. The bad behaviors you see in yourself don't exist in a vacuum. Sure, you could work to improve your relations with your sister and mom, but the larger matrix of problems is going to make your "self-improvement" efforts exceptionally difficult. Your whole family needs help.

The above suggestions to seek counseling are sound, realizing your options are limited. A school counselor (or nurse) is probably your first stop. Try to resist the temptation to demonize yourself. Anyone to whom you speak needs to know the larger picture of your family.

I wish you the best, Frankz!