[n2euphoria]

Originally Posted by n2euphoria

I hate this, can't do my homework, can't focus, i feel like i'm going to flunk out of college for the second time, like there's no hope at the end of the tunnel...and i was so excited for college this time too...why in the world do i feel this way...screw feeling...why am i thinking this way? why am i posting this...i'm so angry, feel so messed up inside, i hate this...i'm trying so hard

Originally Posted by Rohag

Few things are more depressing than to have your efforts go unrewarded.

I can feel the tremendous strain and sorrow in your words, N2euphoria. May some rays of happiness and relieving insight break through soon.

Originally Posted by Lboogieg

I can relate to the frustrations of screwing up in school, particularly college. There were times I came close to failing classes and I had a friend who still hasn't made it through university yet, after six years. I think any efforts you make to keep pushing yourself and stick with it are quite positive! It takes courage, strength and determination to even keep bringing yourself back, so I say good job! Let us know how you're doing.

hmmm so i lack strength, determination, and courage if i fail to bring myself back. i have tried and tried, over and over X100 to the nth power to change things for the better for myself and, still heading downhill. omg and, in the process, my frank blunt yet honest attitude does tend to repel/push others away b/c they aren't accepting or they can't handle it or they just don't want to face it, and in the process i'm confused and end up not liking myself or that depressing part of myself that won't go away. maybe that contributes to me being borderline. concluding, i'm facing something along the lines of doom, well something like that, things just dont work out with me, i cannot make it, despite me having such extremely desperate desires to move on with my life like you others who are optimistic here or others who have moved on and are self supporting, living on their own. college right now? despite me having such GREAT motivation and optimism about it in the beginning, wow look what's happening, i cannot even have the slightest bit of energy or motivation or concentration, to read a single page out of a book (still people, that's with the actually pressing desire to WANT to get my homework done) it's difficult to explain, it's impossible to even begin to. well, i'm in a limbo, trying to figure out how on earth you ppl here can support one another like this, while i sit back in a depressing torment, stuck in my own problems, just not mounting up. if anyone is triggered or gets depressed reading this or is struck by a feeling of disappointment- i hear you- i am brought down by that feeling of my own disappointment and it fails to propel me and motivate me to move forward, again, DESPITE me having such desperate desires in me wanting to succeed like others like you want me to succeed. i’m probably sometimes afraid to say it for myself, but, i’m going to have to face the agony, what i’ve been struggling to avoid for so long. i’m going to have to face that underlying doom, that impending doom, something i’m still trying to figure out. But what’s to figure? i pretty much already know the consequences. i’m so mad, so resentful, wth, why does life have a dooming destiny for ppl like me, wth is wrong with me, i can’t mount up, can’t be normal, and wth is the point in others trying to support me here especially those little smilies here that you ppl put in your posts, it doesn’t raise any glimpse of hope in me, sry to say, it’s not your fault, your doing all you can do, it’s just me. Depressing post at all? Yea, i have to live with this. DESPITE my desires to move on with my life and succeed. i don’t care if this thread gets or doesn't get any replies, or at least i shouldn’t care- it doesn’t matter anyway how supportive others want to be; i'm agonized anyway, and to illustrate this process of why i'm posting this in the first place, i'm letting you know toward the end of this post, which is an all-around paradox or dissonance or something else or w/e, that just throws me for a cycle of endless disappointment. Anyway, only i unfortunately truly know my own suffering and that things just aren’t working out for me. All you ppl can do anyway is give your suggestions or ((((()))))’s or 's and unfortunately, i’m telling you right now, it doesn’t make any difference, as it doesn’t change that rigid, underlying current of agony in my life that‘s pulling me under. i’d say the only purpose of this post is to be some sort of voice of how truly agonized, and doomed one is that they cannot really receive any help, despite such desperate desires on both ends of really wanting to relieve that agony by help in some way. so if this post were to receive some sort of support, there would be some sort of dissonance or paradox. it is just a voice perhaps wanting and attempting to let others know that one cannot be helped despite all and any desires that are contrary. Ultimately, the person agonized, or any others who are agonized in any way because of it are unfortunately going to have to face it. i hate it, trying to live life, but THERE IS THAT AGONY that is killing me so much all the time, this underlying torment. Something is killing me so much, like some dissonance in my head, it pains me, this endless cycle, endless disappointment. ENDLESS. Having such strong desires to recover, get help, there is a paradox here- paradox i say, there is, no really- do you see it, or rather, just dissonance- here it is- such extremely strong pressing desires to live a normal life, to recover, like the rest of others who are making it out there. But i know i cannot get help, i cannot recover. Why not? Refer to the underlying agony found starting at the beginning of my post.

[lonegael]

((((((n2euforia))))))) Dear, I can honestly say that I am "succeeding" right now, but I might well crash tomorrow, and there won't be a blasted thing I can do about it. It has happened before, and there wasn't anything I could do about it then, either. See, it's not that you "lack" all of these qualities that are so wonderfull, it's that you HAVE a disease that makes your life a H-ll right now. There is a big difference. Don't let the lies win, because absolutely no one is beyond help, even though it might feel that way. You sound mad, N2euforia. Good: better than curling up silently. Keep posting.
Oh yeah. Don't succeed because soemone wants to . I count success as every day I lie down and know I have made it through another day and gotten my kids through with me. There was a time I wasn't so sure I could do it. Keep posting.

[n2euphoria]

Hey all, just a quick update...I'm getting better, so there is hope, and so I think if I can do it, anyone can do it. ((((((((((hugs)))))))))) Thanks to all for your continued support here on PC.

Good luck.

[trevorzero]

Do you realize how much energy (and even enthusiasm) it took to write the wonderfully vivid rant that you posted here?

You possess more internal strength than you have given yourself credit for.