[ThePainNeverDies]

Why couldn't I be with my real family? The family who I should be with every day of every year? Why should my Twin dislike me so much?
Wishing me the worst Christmas of my life? Why should I cry on Christmas day because I'm scared of her? Because I'm with my boyfriend's family, I was happy, I had a brilliant day... But then I remembered how much she hates me. That tore everything up inside me and now I feel awful.

I love Christmas time at my partner's house. I absolutely love it. It's fantastic, but it's just not the same as how it used to be with The Family. Waking up at 6am to open our stockings and then open the presents in the sacks at 7am to have breakfast afterwards and enjoy our presents whilst the guests turn up. Playing with my pets, feeling happy and as safe as I could in that place. Feeling like I was leading a normal, happy life... Blissfully unaware.

I know it was bad for me to be there anymore, and yes I am incredibly lucky and happy to be out of that place, but... Not lucky and happy to have them all hating me. Making my life a living hell, making me worry that somehow I'll lose my job because of them... To make me scared of having things stolen from me, to make me scared of my safety while I walk home after work each afternoon or evening or even at 11pm!

My area manager at work the other day asked "Kirsten... Why do you look so..... unhappy?" I couldn't look at him, I felt a huge lump rising in my throat and said "I don't know. I just feel a bit tired, didn't sleep much last night after the late shift, it's alright, I'm fine, just tired." Seeing his quizzical look stopped me and I said "Actually, I'm not okay. I'm not fine. Thinking about it, I know what's bothering me. My Sister. Twin. She's been threatening me recently and I'm worried that she's going to lose me my job somehow and hurt me in some way or other. She hates my guts and I'm scared that she's going to make me lose everything". Ooops.

"Wha... How? How could she possibly do that?"
"I dunno, she knows lots of people who work here, and I'm scared they'll lose me my job. They'll find a way."
"Kirsten. There is nothing. Absolutely nothing, no-one, zilch that could make you lose your job. You're exceeding expectations, you're doing both me AND the store manager proud and you're doing a fantastic job! o way. You won't lose your job no matter what."
"Thanks. I just worry about that because I know what my Twin's like. I'm still worried, but thanks for the reassurance"
"No problem. If anything else is worrying you at any time, just come see me ok? Don't worry about your Sister. You're not losing your job."
"Thanks"

It made me cry because I was so relieved and proud of myself but I just can't help worrying. She WILL find a way to hurt me. I look at her and the people she knows and I'm scared instantly. I'm not scared of her, I'm scared of what she's capable of. I know I'm capable of some pretty scary stuff, pretty serious damage to myself. But never to others, even those people who have hurt me, including my Twin. I just couldn't bring myself to hurt anyone like I've been hurt, or to even hurt them at all. I don't do revenge. I may do anger and such, but never ever hurting someone else. How could I when I know how it feels?

I just wish it could all stop. This isn't the first time now that I've wished I could move out of this place, even move out of the Country if it wasn't for Connor wanting to be near his family as well as me. Heh. This isn't the first time I've wished I could just disappear off the face of the Earth.
I don't even care that the people who hacked into my account are probably reading this. It doesnt bother me now. Today is just another struggling day and I guarantee by the time I get back to work tomorrow everything will be fine again. I'll be laughing my head off and joking again. I wish it could be like that every day.

Maybe the fact I still haven't got ADs is making everything worse, too... I dunno. I just wish I didn't have work tomorrow, I need a another day at least, to just get over this stupid flu Bleh

Sorry for the moan. Take care everyone

[stefano]

What a nasty family situation I fear that Xmas magic is meant for kids. And then a regret is left...
However, it is great that the manager is so happy with you

Are you getting professional help to deal with these issues?

[NuckingFutz]

You should not have to live in so much fear and or paranoia. I hope you do get some professional help.

[Rohag]

Originally Posted by ThePainNeverDies

Seeing his quizzical look stopped me and I said "Actually, I'm not okay. I'm not fine. ... "No problem. ... You're not losing your job."

Thank you for posting this! It's good to be reminded that telling the truth about how you're doing can have reassuring, positive results.

Originally Posted by ThePainNeverDies

I just couldn't bring myself to hurt anyone like I've been hurt, or to even hurt them at all. I don't do revenge.

And that's another reason why you're so beloved, ThePainNeverDies.

Please look after yourself; get over that flu!

[lonegael]

Agree with Rohag. You have a wonderful ability to resist becoming what you hate, TPND.Embrace that . It is a rare and golden gift.
Christmas is hard because I think it dredges up all the conflicted feelings that all of us from dysfunctional families have about our folks. Acknowledging that there were some bright moments shoudn't negate the fact that a great deal of what was going on was NOT OK, nor does it diminish the hurt and damage. Yet we are affraid it might. It's not wrong to miss the times that things sort of went right. You simply loved your sister and family. Even if you weren't good for each other.
Glad to hear that your boss supports you, TPND. At least he is aware that there is some strangeness going on, and so if something does happen he'll be betterable to understand.
If you can, see if you can get some talk therapy about the fear. Knowing what your sister can do is one thing. Being paralysed with anxiety about it s another. That is power you do not want to give her. Hope you are doing better soon, dear. HUUUGGGGS

[ThePainNeverDies]

You know, I am getting professional help, I just haven't had an appt in ages. Been avoiding it because of being scared of having the control taken away.

Rohag, thank you for your comment about why I'm so beloved it warmed my heart.

I was forced into work today when i was actually, by law, not allowed to go in because I work on a fresh food counter and am ill. BUT I still was made to go into work.. THEN my manager left 6 hours before he was supposed to, leaving me on my own to struggle and that was when it happened. I was reducing stock for a colleague when I felt a rush of nausea rush over me. I was sick at work and STILL not allowed to go home because I was the only fishmonger there!!! WHA?!?!?!?! By LAW I should have been sent home but wasn't.

So, I sent a text to Connor, his Mum and a few of my friends and when I later finished work, Connor was stood in front of my counter as I shoved everything into the fridge in a foul mood. He told me that I was going home with his Mum and him and that I am NOT going into work tomorrow whethjer I like it or not, I am not going in, him and his Mum won't let me because I'm so overworked and if I work just one more day, I will wreck my body. I did have two days off because of Christmas, to recuperate my hands because I'm allergic to the cleaning products at work. That was good, and my hands improved a lot, but it did nothing for my immune system and I just had an awful cold and now I'm very sick and can hardly work I hate not being able to work now and look what's happened. I can't work. I am forced not to work. Damnit!!!

I'm going to see my T in January, I know I need to see her. I am really, really struggling and when I did see her shopping in my workplace today, I suddenly started to shake and get extremely anxious... I guess the reason why was because I was scared that she'd see the amount of weight I've apparently lost and get worried and arrange an appointment with me there and then. I just need gto wait until I can actually afford to go tbh.

I was asked to go out tonight with some friends. I was too scared that my Twin would be out too and would start mouthing off and I would just scream at her or something. I don't know. All I know is that I was stood in a trance for quite a while, just imagining her beating me to a pulp, smashing my face to hell and pushing me to the ground, with my friend Sammii stood shouting, trying to pull her off, Bryony screaming at me how much she hates me and how she wishes me dead and me blanking out, waking up in hospital on life support I hate it when that happens and that's just how paranoid I am and afraid of something like that happening. I chose not to go out because of that and in the end was saved by Connor telling me that I was staying at his parents' house so that they could keep an eye on me.

If I don't go to work tomorrow, this means Connor's Mum will notice when i don't have breakfast or lunch tomorrow. I'm so scared...

[lonegael]

Hon, has she out and out theateneed you? If she has, have you reported her? I know you probably don't want to, but this is not OK. HUUUGGGGS; dear. I wish I could amke it better somehow. You deserve a real break for once.

[ThePainNeverDies]

Yup, she sure has. And no, I'm sorry. I will NOT report it. No way, nuh uh, no can do. I'm not bothering with the police anymore. I'm fed up of them to be perfectly honest. I know it's not right but I can deal with it with a bit of therapy to help me get over the paranoia and fear.

I'm really struggling with ED and such and feeling weak and suicidal and just yuck today it's supposed to be my day off but all I've done is rush around for Connor doing things!!

I have another day off tomorrow, thankfully.

[Tumnus]

Why are you rushing around for Connor? Shouldn't he be taking care of you and letting you rest?

[lonegael]

Hmm. Good question Tumnus.
TPND, I'm sorry that it has been so bad with the police. have you thought about taking some self defense training, if for nothing else, it might help your self confidence in how to handle something if it came up. If you were my daughter I know I would probably be in your twin's face but if you were my kid you wouldn't be in this mess in the first place, so I know I can't go with all my instincts Huggs anyway, dear, for you and Connor, cause I imagine this is hard on you both.

[ThePainNeverDies]

I feel it's my duty to run around for him, as his Girlfriend and to make him happy because I only ever seem to disappoint him...

I do know quite a bit of self defense and if it comes to it, I will not be afraid to use it. I guess I'm just afraid that I'll be caught off guard, like they'll come up behind me or something. But I know that I can deal with anyone trying to hurt me. I have done so before. I think I have said before that I am not proud of the time that I winded my Twin through self defense, but they'd have killed me if I hadn't.

Aww, lonegael, that made me smile I'm trying my best to just get on with things and I did have a good New Year without getting upset about anything, which was great

I hope you all have a great new year and that this is the start of many years of growth and happiness

[lonegael]

and the same to you, dear, in bunches!

[ThePainNeverDies]

Thank you very much! I have had a rough ride already but am getting through by buying lots of new clothes and just enjoying my job and getting on with everything.

I just need to get over it, stop crying and carry on like nothing bad ever happened.