[jrae]

today, my family is on their way to my sister's house for xmas tomorrow. and i'm at home...

it all started last weeked, when we had christmas at my sister Kerry's house for one side of the family (other side is in a week). my family was down the night before to help with food, since this was the first time it was being held at Kerry's house. my mom and dad were up stairs that evening pealling potatoes for the next day. i don't know how to make much of any of the food that we were going to have. and i had just spent almost twelve hours taking care of my two young nephews, so Kerry and her husband could get their house ready. so i was downstairs, just resting on the couch.

the next morning was saturday, and i was up super early, like before 8am (usually i wake up after noon). i started watching the weather channel on tv while my parents took their showers and got ready. kerry's husband came downstairs, saw me and ripped a new one into me. he said that 'he was tired of me watching tv while the others were working. and it was HIS house, so the next time i wanted to watch tv, i was to ask HIM first.' two minutes later, he sent my six-year-old nephew down to 'check on me'. that pissed the heck out of me. i spent the next two hours crying. that night after my nephews went to bed, i was so pissed that i went to bed before nine pm (at least three hours earlier than i normally would). i just wanted to be alone, and couldn't. so i curled up on the floor, put my music on, and stayed there the whole night.

we were suppose to have our family xmas at my house today, but with the like 15 inches of snow we have gotten, all plans got changed. so kerry's husband was being an a-s-s and said he wouldn't drive out here (two and half hour drive for them). so like two hours ago, my parents decided to go to kerry's house and have xmas there tomorrow. i was like, f-u-c-k! i now don't even feel welcome in that house any more, and like heck was i going to sleep there. plus riding in an extended cab of a pick-up truck for six hours (three each way), was not something i was about to do. so my parents and younger sister left about one hour ago. my mom cried and said she wished i was going, which is what my dad said too.

i'm just so pissed... the last time i sat in a small vehicle with my younger sister for three hours, she ended up making me mad and frustrated. so i don't want to do that again. and now my stupid brother-in-law has made me feel like i don't even want to go there to see my two nephews anymore. and for the first time in 23 years, i'm missing my family xmas.

i hate this... i just wish all this would leave me alone. my younger sister is home on break, and she treats me like crap. my mom lost her job a few months ago, so i have her 'judging' my every move! in two months, it will be my four year anniversary of fighting this with meds. i said at the beginning that i wouldn't make it through the first five years. and with this last set of crap, i don't think i will make it... my mind puts thoughts into my head that i can't control, and no one knows what that battle is like. somedays, i wish i could make it all just stop. my one fear is that one day i will get pushed too far, and i will take matters into my own hands...

[NuckingFutz]

I am sorry you feel so bad on Christmas. Sounds like you were not suppose to be in the middle of that mess anyway! Got any good movies to watch? No one will be monitoring your viewing habbits, no judgemental mom around...let her judge someone else tonight. Oh, and if you ever end up at your brother-in-laws, have a little harmless fun...unplug that tv of his when no one is looking...unplug it just enough so it looks plugged in but not enough to work...or put some dead batteries in the remote. Unprogram the cable or satilite. Remove the ball from his computer mouse and leave it on his keyboard. Build a BIG snowman with your nephews and place it at the very end of his driveway after he has pulled in. So he thinks you are not working enough...well girl, get in the kitchen and spice up his dinner (something not too obvious yet unpleasant).

[lonegael]

Dear, remember, your mom can judge all she wants, but she can't sentence. I know it is hard to do when your self confidence is so low, but people who do that sort of thing gnerally do it to make themselves feel better. So consider the source. Doesn't sound lke she is in much of a position to judge.
You made the right choice. It doesn't sound like the type of celebration that would bring joy to anyone, except maybe your nephews, and they can't help the mess. If your family cannot help protect you, then you have to take care of yourself. Huggs dear, and I hope the next year looks better.

[Pomegranate]

Does not sound like you are really missing out on much except people who will not be caring, supportive or even nice to you. Make your own xmas, make your own fun, buy yourself gifts, etc. etc. Just because someone is "family" does not mean you should spend a lot of time with them. Especially if these people only make you feel bad about yourself, or angry with them for treating you so badly.

[Naturefreak]

(((jrae)))

[googley]

((((((Jrae))))))

[Rohag]

Happy Post-Christmas, Jrae!

Originally Posted by jrae

my one fear is that one day i will get pushed too far...

Although our situations are different, I fear the same (long story). For that reason I take my meds and accept, for safety's sake, the need exercise discerning control over socializing. It just wouldn't be in anyone's best interest for me to attempt to participate in every social opportunity that might come my way (not that I have many social opportunities, but that's another long story).

For a number of us, living with depression means medical management and social management.

Jrae, I don't believe you did anything wrong in staying away from that gathering.

[jrae]

thank you so much for all your replies! means the world to me!!!

i spent last playing cards with my uncle jon and watching some tv. today, i played with my cats, of whom i love!! i watched some football and then the movie Saw III. very interesting i would have to say...

i like the idea of buying presents for myself. never thought of it that way, but that would be awesome! i already knew what my parents were getting me, and i don't get presents for my bday, so this was not as special to me as i had hoped. oh well, screw them.

i get to see my good friends next week, which i will truly enjoy! and this saturday i get to spend with my fav aunt, so that will be my xmas this year! (spending it with my only grandma too)