celebrating the wrong thing

I'm not really sure where to post this, but since the contemplation of the whole issue seems to be triggering for me, I figure the depression forum is as good as anything. Sorry if this seems a little bit rambly, but I can't sleep and the longer I sit here thinking about all this, the worse I feel, so I really just need to get it out.

I'm graduating from university in a year and a half, and it's absolutely nothing special to me. If my family weren't coming, I wouldn't even attend the ceremony. I just want them to give me my diploma so I can show it to the next school and get on with my life. I'm not remotely excited about graduation -- in fact, as soon as I'm done, I'm hopping on a plane to the south of France for three weeks where my friend and I will be staying at an artist's retreat. Three weeks all to myself, all to dedicate to writing, all to celebrate finally belonging to myself after four years of mind-numbing nothingness. I will not be proud to have graduated because I don't see this as any kind of accomplishment. It's nothing that I care about, it's just something I have to do, the same way I had to learn to read and write and drive a car. One more thing out of the way, that's it.

My whole family wants to come to this stupid thing. I wish I weren't worrying about this now, it's too far away and I have more immediate concerns. But my parents were talking about it tonight and it looks like along with them, they want to bring my grandmothers, two of my aunts, my uncle and all three of my siblings. If I weren't graduating in Scotland, if I'd gone to university in Canada or even the USA, there would not be nearly as much attention given to my graduation. I have gotten used to being a vacation destination for the people in my life. My parents, my grandparents and even a couple of friends have been over. While it's great to see them and have them visit and I always enjoy the time spent with them, right now I'm just resentful that I'm going to have to attend a ceremony I want nothing to do with so that my family can justify spending thousands of dollars (which they don't necessarily have). I don't want a celebration, I don't want congratulations because nobody understands that I don't see this degree as an accomplishment. I see surviving four years of university as an accomplishment. I see not flunking out due to my depression as an accomplishment. I see the fact that despite being so depressed I couldn't get up in the morning, one day I decided not to kill myself, to keep my eye on the prize and see this through, as the REAL accomplishment. The fact that I passed a bunch of essays and exams means absolutely nothing to me. I do not want to commemorate something that has made my life a living hell. But it's not like I can explain that to my family, who are so excited about this trip, about my graduation, about the fact that I'm the first grandchild on both sides of my family to get a university degree. Only my parents even know about my depression, and they don't know how close I came to suicide, how bad it can still be some days, and how I struggle with it still on a daily basis. They know it's there, but I'm taking pills and seeing the counsellor so it must not be a problem any more. I'm going to be as impressive as always and we can ignore the fact that sometimes, it takes all my energy just to be mediocre. There's no explaining that to them, I've tried. It makes them uncomfortable to discuss it at all. Although they know that I'm sick, we pretend that I'm normal, and I am expected to live as though this isn't some kind of nightmare.

They're celebrating the wrong thing. They're getting excited about the wrong thing. I don't know why it matters to me, but it does. It's a year and a half away, I shouldn't be worrying about this now! But if they've already started making plans, the talk surrounding this is only going to get worse the closer we get to the end. I want to keep my head down and study in peace. I don't want to hear about how great this degree is that I'm never going to use. I don't want to hear how thinly they're masking the fact that what they're really getting out of this is a trip. I don't want them to use me to justify spending money they don't have, especially when it's for the wrong reasons. I have to pretend I'm excited about this when I honestly don't care, the same way I lie and say I'm loving university and how stimulating I find it all, when really I have to resist the urge to scream while I'm sitting in those classrooms. I have been playing the part of someone I'm not for two and a half years now, and I'm tired of it. I don't want the culmination of that to be feigned excitement and the acceptance of congratulations I don't want. Shouldn't this have more to do with me? Can't I have some more input? After four years of being who they want, how come I have to celebrate my freedom from that on their terms? At this point I just want to suggest that they go to my graduation without me. Have fun in Scotland, but I'll be in France. I just want to be left alone, I want to be left to be ME, I want to be on the first plane to France the minute I finish my last exam and after that I want to go on to the creative writing program I've been dreaming about. Graduating won't be cause for celebration, not for me. The accomplishment isn't in the diploma; it's going to be the first day I walk into my creative writing program. Why don't they save the fanfare for that??

Oh, gosh, ((((((Rebecca)))))) when I graduated, I didn'tthink I would actually survive to get that degree. I can understand that part of what you feel very well. I think, sometimes, it is hard to remember that even in the best of times, we aren't celebrating the same things anyway. People never do.

Take Christmas; When we celebrate, my hubby celebrates the biblical stuff. I celebrate that and whatever success we have had making it a fun holiday for the kids, and I celebrate what ever advances my youngest has made, being able to stay around for packet opening, get joy and expectation from his presents and enjoy what he has gotten. The kids celebrate cookie, presents, attention time.

It's ok for them to be celebrating the fact that a bad trend (no higher education) in the family has ended. That is a celebration. They won't be able to understand and thus celebrate all your accomplishments since this ordeal started for you, and the academic ones are the only ones that the school can recognize. For you, the celebration of starting your creative writing program is more important but that is harder for people who haven't studied to understand.

I know this, I think we here will truly be celebrating your strength, courage and toughness getting through these lonely, difficult years without flunking out. That is spectacular in my book. Why not let your folks celebrate what they see and understand as worth a celebration? It is a family milestone, dear. Let them enjoy it as such. I understand you not wanting them to spend the money, but in the end, it's they who decide, right? If they want to make a to do of it, that's fine. Remember that there are those of us who know what you have REALLY done, who would be celebrating that during the festivities. We're there, dear. Huggs, and don't die a thousand times before the event, OK?

(((((((((((justfloating)))))))))))

You sound so "alone" and having such angst. You seem to be tortured by the whole thing.
I'm so sorry. I know what that feels like.
I commend you in sticking this out, despite your illness. I couldn't do it the first time I tried. Didn't even make it through the first semester.

But the point is--you are in pain, you are unhappy, you are living an unfulfilled (in your eyes) life.
I have no advice. Just acknowledgement and empathy.

Well, one piece of advice--"keep doing what you are doing, just keep putting one foot in front of the other"