[littleyellowspider]

I haven't posted here in a while but I have been the most depressed I think i have ever been lately and I just need to talk to someone. The past year has been difficult, (really just from the summer until now) in the grand scheme of things not that bad, but I don't know several things happened that just really upset me.

My godmother died of breast cancer in the spring and this really affected me, she was an extremely strong person who had made it through many things and had beat cancer once before, she was doing great and then out of nowhere her cancer came back, spread quickly, and she was dead six months later. It was very un expected, I hadn't talked to her in a bit when she died, I kept meaning to e-mail her or call but kept getting distracted and putting it off thinking I'd have time later, I never got a chance to and I still feel so guilty about this. I had made plans to visit her over the summer and this visit never got to happen because she died before I could see her one last time. Since this, my anxiety has skyrocketed, I worry constantly about getting diseases. I have bruises from feeling for lumps so much, I have trouble sleeping. My depression also got stronger.

Then my boyfriend of a year (minus a one month break) broke up with me in a text message while I was on vacation with my family, he claimed he just didn't have time for a relationship but right afterwards started dating his ex girl friend. recently after this I purged and cut for the first time in a while, but i realized it was a mistake and didn't do it again for a while more. Another boy who I'll call 'Chris' asked me out and even though I was so far from being over my ex I started dating him because I felt like I needed someone (this is stupid I know) Chris was nice at first and he was interesting, he had lead a busy interesting life and I liked spending time with him, but he turned out to be really controlling and manipulative, he didn't like me hanging out with my other friends, he wanted to be with me all the time, he went through my personal stuff like text messages and he put me down all the time. he would constantly pick arguments with me and any time I had an opinion on anything he would shoot it down and say i was "un educated and didn't know anything" he made a lot of comments about my body and say things like how I should work out because my arms were too "noodly" I broke up with him after a month but he really took a tole on my self esteem, I started restricting or purging pretty regularly and self injuring on occasion.

I went back to college and at the very beginning of the year one of my closest friends made a plan to kill herself, she planned to jump off the roof of her school but someone stopped her before she could do it. I feel so helpless like I can't do anything for her. she often calls me when she's upset and I feel like I let her down because I couldn't stop her from trying.

I started really not caring about school, I've been a perfectionist my whole life and was just like "screw it, I'm not doing this" I missed a lot of class and ended up failing 2 final exams (but miraculously still passed those classes)

I have never been much of a drinker but this past semester I started going out pretty much every weekend and getting extremely drunk, I enjoyed doing it, it was fun and it made me forget bout everything else. i don't talk a lot about my feelings, i tend to keep things pretty bottled up but one night at a frat house I got drunk and something small happened (I can't remember quite what it was, something like spilling a drink by accident, like something really silly) and I just started crying, and once i started I just couldn't stop, I cried for like 2 straight hours with random people I hardly knew trying to calm me down. I have now heard my self referred to a coupe times as "that girl who had a crazy breakdown at that party"

I came home for christmas break and just felt soo incredibly depressed, I stayed in my room, slept a lot during the day and stayed up all night and hardly talked to anyone, i realize that really my problems aren't that bad but I don't know, they just really got to me this semester and I began to seriously think about killing myself, one day, I'm not sure why i wrote a note as if i were going to do it, i wrote a section to each of my family and when i got to the part where I wrote to my youngest sister who is only 12 I just stopped and couldn't finish it. I ended up going and telling my mom everything, her only response was that I needed to start seeing my therapist again.

so now here I am. I don't know what to do. i need help. I have never felt so alone. I'll see my therapist again but like I don't know. I am so sad, even reading back over this post I know it sounds stupid, like so many people have been through sooo much worse and I feel almost selfish for being upset. but I am and I just need some help.

[lonegael]

Wow, there were a lot of things that happened there. I am so sorry about your grandmother. Cancer is a tricky, nasty disease and it can come out of nowhere and smack you. It's good to do your self exams, but if you do them so often, dear, you won'treally be able to feel changes when they happen. Also, something like that can easily become a magnate for the anxiety you feel otherwise. do you see a therapist? ot a P-doc? If you don't and start, make sure you tell them about this compulsive self examining.
I recommend seriously getting in and getting professional help. If you are to the point you are writing notes, you need to see someone sooner than yesterday. There is nothing stupid or petty in your pain, and you should no sooner deal with it alone than cut out your own appendix. Bossy, eh? You betcha!
Thank you for posting, at any rate, and PLEASE let us know how it's going for you, OK? HUggs, and hang in there, sweetie.

[littleyellowspider]

I saw a therapist for 3 years. i stopped seeing her in March because she thought I had made enough progress with my ED and that we hadn't gotten anywhere in a while. This may sound stupid but I'm not really sure what a P-doc is. I see a regular doctor to get my medication adjusted and stuff. I'm going to start seeing a therapist again.

[lonegael]

Good for you! A p-doc os a psychiatrist, an md with training in prescribing medicine for and managing mental illnesses like depression, anxiety and bipolar diseasee, among others. If your Gen prac (reg. docotr ) seems to be doing alright with you, this is good too. He may know you a little better and can read you right. Sometimes a break from therapy isn't bad if things get stuck, so it might be a way of giving you and your T a fresh look at what's wrong. Hang in there hon. Huggggs!