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Member
Member Since Jan 2010
Posts: 37
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#1
I must warn that this is an absurdly long read, and I understand if not many people want to look at it. If you plan on posting, just post saying you are going to read it that way I don't feel ignored, then post any advice, comments, or thoughts when you get the chance
Hello everyone, I'm Zac. I'm a 19 year old male and I have depression. I've been depressed for about 2 years now, although I only started seeing a psychiatrist right before Christmas 2009. Here is my story, in bullet form, because I think its easier to organize things that way.
Sorry for the terribly long read, and I probably still left something out -Bias |
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Legendary
Member Since Feb 2009
Location: Rochester, MN
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#2
Holy smokes, you weren't kidding when you warned of the length of your post!
Well, Zac, I'm sorry that you had such a difficult time with your father. I can understand how easily you delved into your relationship with your girlfriend. It's actually very common for our first love to become a painful experience. That girlfriend saw you at very weak, emotionally vulnerable times of your life. It's not uncommon for people to give their all into what they are willing to give anything in those points of life. That is okay. The hard part is the stress that dependence puts upon the relationship. The one depending (you) on the relief (her) quickly becomes a burden. It is incredibly painful ~ yes, I've been the burden (too many times!) ~ I know! What I've learned, over the years, is to always have other things that I can put some energy and enjoyment in. I don't have many. But some is much better than only one or two. Exercise is my personal fave ~ walking, aerobics, weight-lifting, cycling, etc. Bird-watching, baking, music, watching baseball & football games, nature, coming to Psych Central, games with my kids or being with my boyfriend. Those are the positives in my life. The more positives I have, without dependence upon anyone else, the better. That's what I honestly believe. Hope that you've gained something helpful from my response to you. Very best wishes to you! __________________ "Only in the darkness can you see the stars." - Martin Luther King Jr. "Forgive others not because they deserve forgiveness but because you deserve peace." - Author Unkown |
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![]() lonegael
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Legendary
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#3
Hello & Welcome, Bias Logic!
Quite a post, but you needed to get that out. You might want to save what you've written for future personal reference and for therapists. I read most of it, and, as I'm no good with relationship advice, it was the altercation with your father that stood out to me. That incident and your family's whole history with your father are things you may wish to explore. Good for you that you've reached out for help. Keep us updated on how your treatment develops. __________________ My dog ![]() |
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![]() lonegael
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Member
Member Since Jan 2010
Posts: 37
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#4
I've kinda moved on from the incident with my Dad. Its honestly not what I have on my mind a lot, although I guess its what triggered or at the least highly intensified my depression. He and I are getting along better, now any spats we have are more normal, not like they were after the incident. He's been supporting me more once he learned I had depression, and the incident with the police woke him up.
As for my depression, I'm a very logical and analytical, I know that once I've identified the problem, and gone to get the proper help, it will get better. I know I can get through that portion of it. My relationship with her, well I can't take a magical pill to get that back. I just feel bad that I didn't identify my problem sooner, as to not damage it. |
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![]() lonegael
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Wisest Elder Ever
Member Since Nov 2002
Location: Cave.
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#5
Quote:
![]() (agrees with shezbut's post) ![]() __________________ ![]() |
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who reads this, anyway?
Member Since Oct 2006
Location: Appalachia
Posts: 9,968
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#6
I skimmed your post and caught some of it but will have to reread when I am less tired.
It sounds as though you have two problems: relationships and a possible mental illness. You mentioned that you have recently been diagnosed with depression. When you said you started staying up later and later at college I wondered if you might possibly be bipolar. Not sleeping much while at college was one of my first signs of bipolar. Perhaps you could take one of the bipolar tests on Psychcentral. What antidepressant are you taking? Are you taking it consistently? How is your sleep now? Have you considered seeing a therapist? __________________ The purpose of life is not to be happy. It is to be useful, to be honorable, to be compassionate, to have it make some difference that you have lived and lived well. anonymous |
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![]() lonegael, shezbut
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Member
Member Since Jan 2010
Posts: 37
14 |
#7
Quote:
I am taking (kicks cat of lap to go find bottle) Bupropion which is the generic for Wellbutrin. I've taken it every day since the 16th of Dec. |
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Grand Magnate
Member Since Aug 2009
Location: Sweden, back of beyond
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#8
Hi, Zac. When I read your magnificent tome - I mean post
![]() You are a very strong person do do what you have done, not just with your father but also completing that program. An IB after all of that! ![]() |
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![]() shezbut
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Member
Member Since Jan 2010
Posts: 37
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#9
yea, part of the altercation with my Dad was that there was a chance my mother could be charged with neglect because she "let" it go on. In reality, I think she was just as afraid of my father as we all were. She also wasn't in the room when we got in our scuffle so she didn't know how bad it was I guess.
I'm a first generation college student in my family. Both my parents are supportive of my education, and of my life in general. However, I feel that I was really just happy to be away from my dad when I was at school. I'm not sure exactly what caused the depression when I was away, It was probably there all along, but I thought getting away from my Dad would help. The thing about my relationship is that I think, or at least hope that once the cause of the breakup (my behavior under depression) is treated, that she can once again see what she saw in me for 4 years. On the other hand, I worry every day that its too late, or that she is either to hurt, or to fixated on trying something new, that she won't give what was "unjustly" cut short another chance. Up until the night I decided to join this site, I was unsure of a sort of path to at least put me in the ball park of getting back together. Our relationship has been kinda awkward, but not "bad" on by any means. She would really ambiguously say she wanted to become better friends any time I talked about getting back together. I kept saying that you broke up with me because of my depression, (which I had to kinda pry out/ decipher in the months after the break up [before I knew it was depression we referred to it as "how I was acting at college"]), how can you not at least want to be back with the non-depressed me, even if it takes time for you to feel romantically about me (because she says she still "loves" me, just not romantically). We talked and the only non-depression related thing that I did that contributed to the break up was At the beginning of senior year, which involves a quick anecdote: Before school started freshman year, I went to band camp (get your American Pie jokes out of the way please). I had prior music experience through my middle school, and I play percussion (or "Drums" for you less musically inclined). In particular, at least for marching season, I played the Bass Drum (the big drum that you strap to the front of you, and play on either side that goes "boom"). First off, Bass Drums aren't light. Secondly, I'm not a big, or particularly strong guy. Thirdly, the senior Bass Drummer, was this big, fat, and not particularly nice girl named Mindy (or as I affectionately call her, Godzilla). Anyways, Freshman (or first year band students, they can be any grade) always get Hazed a little bit. If we mess up we have to run laps with drums, or worse yet, Duckwalk (Squat down, but stay on your feet, now with out unsquatting, and keeping your arms out in front of you, walk from one end of your house to the other, when you catch your breath, tell me how you feel). These wouldn't have been so bad, if I knew anyone, or Mindy wasn't slightly abusive of her powers (technically she was an upper clansmen, but wasn't Section, or Assistant Section leader). I also went to my doctor because my back was hurting (he thought I had scoliosis, but later we learned from a specialist that one of my legs was slightly longer than the other, and that the apparent curvature of the spine was due to this.) So I quit band before the season. My soon to be girlfriend joined the drumline at the start of the year, with no experience. I was still in the class (but was in the beginners class due to IB scheduling conflicts for required classes). She was in the "percussion" class, but second semester switched to the beginning band class. Eventually we started dating.She's currently out of state doing a Habitat for Humanity project for the week up until her new semester starts. The morning she left, I was up all night so I called her. We talked for a bit (much to her dismay as she had to leave to catch a bus in 3 hours) and she basically told me that one of the reasons she didn't yet want to even start thinking about building back a romantic relationship, is because every time we talked, I was still being negative, or sad, often talking about how upset I was we weren't together, and wanting to talk about the break-up which she would insist, she had nothing NEW to say on. However, me being an analytical person, would always pick up new things with every time we would talk about it. However one thing I couldn't understand, is why she didn't WANT to feel romantically about me (I understood why she didn't feel romantically about me). When she said the bolded statement I understood. From my perspective, I've always recognized something was wrong with me, even before I knew I was "depressed", heck its why I left school. For me, this is more than half the battle. When I left school, I knew there was a rift between us over the way I was acting, and I thought the change of scenery would fix it, as I couldn't seem to shake my lack of motivation at school. I felt I was on the way to recovery. Well, my mood didn't improve very fast, and well, it was too late, and we broke up, the very thing I tried to avoid by attempting fixing my state of mind, and subsequent behavior. Flash forward to once I realized I had depression and made the decision to get help, I instantly knew the end result being me getting back to as normal as possible (assuming all goes well). I always see myself in that light in regards to what I have to offer her. The fact that I'm addressing the problem to ME makes me feel like the problem is now a non issue. However, because she still didn't show that much explicit interest, merely stating that I had as good a shot as any, if not better, in having that type of relationship (in my case again) with her, I was getting more and more upset over our relationship because I couldn't understand how to get on track. This led to me being negative, and being more beg-ey, and more why-me-ey. I realized now that "become better friends" was really "show her that you aren't the negative person from College, show her you are better, or are getting there, then you are at least on the TRACK to get her to look for any feeling of romance, where as now, she doesn't even want to look for it. Because I'm analytical, the fact that the solution to the problem is in place makes me confident enough that its fixed. She being more about feelings, and face value, doesn't see any change, and doesn't WANT to want a relationship. My hope is that once I can get her to WANT to want a relationship, my infinite charm and stunning good looks (also known as the fact I can make her laugh and the fact that she happens to be attracted to pale skinny white guys) and our previous relationship can take over and I can win her back. I know that me showing her I am on the road to recovery isn't an instant fix. I know there are some additional feelings and factors that must be overcome, or changed. I just hope that she wont go ahead and just date someone else just for the "experience", because that will bother me to the point where I don't know how I could have a good friendship with her. I talked with her best friend and roommate about what I was thinking about doing, but I don't know if logistically would be possible, or would be too invasive. I was planning on hitching a ride with her back to their apartment/dorm thingey. Then when my Ex got back from the Habitat from Humanity, I would surprise her by being there, and we would hang out, because it would be their first week of classes, so they wouldn't be too busy. Talking with her roommate though she said they may or may not be busy and was worried I'd be bored at the very least when(hey all I do is stay home, surf the internet and sleep now anyways). The other issue, is she doesn't think my Ex would want to drive me back here at the end of the week as its a 2-3 hour drive each way, and I don't really have another mode of transportation. She also said she didn't know how she would feel if I "sprung" it on her like that. From what my Ex had said to me, she feels like I never do things by the seat of my pants, and that the best things at life are just kinda random and spontaneous. If I can get a ride, I'm going for it, but I'm not sure I'd have one, and My Ex always complained about being the only one of us with a car when we lived in the same CITY. So I'll see how it pans out. -Bias Last edited by Bias Logic; Jan 04, 2010 at 10:26 AM.. |
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Grand Magnate
Member Since Aug 2009
Location: Sweden, back of beyond
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#10
oH jeeze, that is NOT easy. Your annecdote from Band camp rang true; I have been involved with string instruments and music camp was a wierd mix of fun, improving one's skills, yet also VERY heirarchical, product vers. process oriented, and very stressy. I could understand both your anger and her defens9iveness under those circumstances, and the best I can say is that she and you need to give each other a chance to grow beyond that time. It is hardly a "normal" situation.
I might make a suggestion and I hope you'll bear with me. Analytical as you are, it might be hard to drop the breakup, but it might be worth doing it if she doens't see how taking it apart will help. You might have more to gain just being her friend for the time being. You might discover some aspects of yourself that might surprise you, if you can bear to get out a little more. Huggs, I know there aren't easy answers, and I think the idea of hanging out is good, if you can just keep your expectations down. |
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Legendary
Member Since Feb 2009
Location: Rochester, MN
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#11
(((Bias Logic)))
You do have quite a way with words. I'd recommend taking a creative writing course and/or journalism at a local junior college (for the fun of it). Writing can be such a wonderful release of thoughts, feelings, stress, etc. It can be very therapeutic! What's the dosage of Bupropion that you're taking? Is it your only medication? What was your diagnosis? There are a few personality tests linked here ~ they ask all sorts of questions and offers insight in the trends it picks up on in your answers. Be sure to check that out some time. __________________ "Only in the darkness can you see the stars." - Martin Luther King Jr. "Forgive others not because they deserve forgiveness but because you deserve peace." - Author Unkown |
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Member
Member Since Jan 2010
Posts: 37
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#12
I am trying to curb my expectations, and I think part of the reason she has been so ...awkward for lack of a better term, is because she wants to make sure I don't get my hopes up. She doesn't know whats going to happen and doesn't want to make any promises. At the same time, I know she still cares about me. We had a very good relationship for a long time and we didn't break up on bad terms. I just want to make sure she has a chance to know for sure we can, or can't work out, rather than a reaction to something out of my control. I will be able to stay friends with her a lot easier should it come to us not working out in the end because I wont feel cheated.
I also don't think she understands how serious depression is because she just sees negativity, which she can't stand to be around. She is such an outgoing and bubbly person, she very rarely gets mad, never swears, never says she "hates" someone or something, but she is almost always all smiles and good natured. I'm normally very reserve and don't show a lot of emotion, but once I'm around people I'm comfortable with, I'm very open and loving, and probably the most loyal person in the world. She would tell me when we were dating that people (especially people in band who only saw the "section leader" side of me, and never bothered to get to know me would ask her things like "Why are you dating him he's so serious" or "Does he treat you ok?". She would always say, "He's a really sweet and funny guy, once you get to know him." I really want to try to spring this surprise on her. I'm even considering trying to take a Greyhound bus back if I need to, the problem is I only have very little money left that I will probably need most of for a few bills I have, and my parents aren't rich by any stretch of the imagination. I'm going to ask my Mother if we can make any arrangements to make it work, because I think this would be huge for our relationship as a whole to spring a surprise on her. And if for some reason she doesn't like my surprise (I'm talking like having upset/bad body language when/if I surprise her) and is bothered by me being there, well then I'll probably know how she feels about me at least. |
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Member
Member Since Jan 2010
Posts: 37
14 |
#13
Quote:
Well I believe the dosage was 150mg, and besides Vitamins in the morning, thats the only medication I'm on. I think he said that it was a relatively lower dosage, but that was to introduce it into my system and the dosage would possibly go up after, its probably been about 3 weeks now that I've been on it. I believe he said I "defiantly show signs of depression, and could benefit from anti-depressants". I go back to him Wednesday for a follow up so I should be able to. I have been checking out the quizzes but they mostly tell me what I already know, and I tend to score "worse" for depression when I feel particularly in the dumps. EDIT:Are the excessive ((((())))))'s around people's name a kinda "aww don't feel bad, hug?" way of saying people's name? I don't mind it, and I'm always fascinated in cultures of certain groups (especially forums) with different terminology and phrasing. Most of the forums I go on are for games, and with the exception of one community, are surprisingly cordial and helpful, but not without their own brand of sort of cultures and stigmas, where as the one is rather abrasive and insulting. This community is, being almost a giant support group has a very "fluffy" tone to it. Its not bad, but there are just a lot of posts that are trying to make people feel accepted and better so that you can help them. Very fascinating stuff. |
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walker
Member Since Feb 2008
Posts: 2,363
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#14
Bias Logic... thank you for sharing and reaching out for support. I am going to suggest something that you may not want to hear but I hope you think about. I suggest you give her more time and space to sort out her feelings about you and your future together. Your surprise may force a response from her that with more time might be very different. She sounds like a lovely caring friend who may or may not be more than that in your future. I think it would mean a lot more to her to see you get yourself on track and on a more even keel than you are on right now. It sounds like you are making some really good choices for yourself right now in terms of seeking treatment and looking to furthering your education. Those are both very demanding commitments and perhaps they need to be your number one priority. Try not to rush into needing to know what the future holds with this girl. Good things come to those who wait and one must be able to stand strong alone to be able to move into sustaining a healthy long term relationship. If you rush things you may well create an unhealthy dependancy for yourself and put her into a position of feel obliged to supporting you rather than drawn to be with you. Just my thoughts.
I wish you well in whatever choices you make. You have a long life ahead and plenty of time and plenty of dreams to live. Take good care of you. |
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walker
Member Since Feb 2008
Posts: 2,363
16 |
#15
and yes the (((()))) are virtual hugs.
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Member
Member Since Jan 2010
Posts: 37
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#16
It is true, its not something I want to hear. I really at least want to get it on track because we broke up 6 months ago, and I miss her real badly. If she wants to just have better general relations with me (as opposed to now where she feels unenthusiastic, and that I'm constantly negative) like she says she does, then I really want to get started on that. I have a hard time concentrating on anything else besides her no matter how hard I try (its part of why I lost my job). I can accept if we get our general relations back on track, showing her all the things that she felt I was missing as positives when we broke up, and then we slowly make our way to addressing any possible romantic relationships, even if in the long run they don't pan out. I can't accept me waiting, and her deciding she wants to try a relation with someone else just for the experience, and me not ever wanting to talk to her again despite loving her so much. Its a delicate balance, I just want to get this one going in the correct direction because it means so much to me.
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Grand Poohbah
Member Since Sep 2007
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 1,728
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#17
I really wish you were sitting here with me because I think it would be easier to say and explain all of this. But I have to say, and this isn't going to be easy to hear, but it sounds like she loves you because of the past and because of that she is trying to be gentle on your feelings. I don't see that she does want to be with you anymore and unfortunately, from what you said at least, it looks like she has been saying somethings that give you false hope out of her desire to not hurt your feelings too much. I know it sounds harsh, but first loves do usually hurt. My god, I'm 34 and I still hurt when I think about how I lost my first love (he had a traumatic brain injury and lost a lot of memories). I, to this very minute, miss him desperately and its been like 16 years since we were together. I miss him even though I'm happily married. I guess my point is that maybe, for your own sake, you seriously need to consider moving on past your ex-girlfriend. First of all, you are trying to cope with mental illness that you are just starting to get treatment for, so maybe you should spend some time getting yourself into a good place. Secondly, there are zillions of women out there. I know you think right now you could never love anyone else, but I promise you can. You've got to give yourself the chance to experience something other than her and constantly reliving and regretting the past. I don't mean any of this to be harsh, but you have to be realistic. You talk about being logical and analytical, but from what I read, you are looking at this relationship from purely an emotional perspective.
I wish you happiness and I hope that things work out ok for you. __________________ "School is shortened, discipline relaxed, philosophies, histories, languages dropped, English and spelling gradually gradually neglected, finally almost completely ignored. Life is immediate, the job counts, pleasure lies all about after work. Why learn anything save pressing buttons, pulling switches, fitting nuts and bolts?" Bradbury, Ray Fahrenheit 451 p 55-56 |
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Member
Member Since Jan 2010
Posts: 37
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#18
I'm a realistic person. I've thought about it a lot. A lot a lot. The thing is she means so much to me. I have a lot easier time dealing with my depression than I do with my relationship issues because everything is a lot more black and white. I have had a lot of people (including myself) tell me I should move on. I think the things that bother me the most is that I feel like she didn't break up with ME persay. I mean, I know she did, but what I'm trying to say is I feel like If I didn't become depressed we would have been great. I mean she went from telling me she wanted to spend the rest of her life with me (marriage), to not being able to kiss me. One thing changed, I became sick. She broke up with me because she couldn't take the effects of my mood and behavior due to it. I just want to see if me getting back to being me will help the situation more.
When ever I've told myself that I should move on, it was usually because of 2 things. 1) I'd be mulling over our relationship, and I would get mad at her for breaking up with me when I was sick. I don't want this because that means our relationship would be permanently damaged. or 2) I'd be upset imagining her dating someone else, which is just really an extension of 1. Sometimes I just think "You just want a relationship, and since you aren't in any sort of social circle (I'm not in school, and don't have a car) you are turning to something you've had." But I sit there and think, and when I do I ask myself, Do you want to be dating someone, or do you want to be dating her. Its always the latter. So anyways. I know it may not be the best emotional course of action. And I realize there is a good chance she is trying to let me down softly (although she has been really adamant about not giving me false hope, she says it all the time, which Ironically makes me believe this more because she wouldn't give me hope for something that has 0% chance of happening.) And until that reaches 0%, or I eventually move on, I'm going to pursue it. At the very least, we still have our friendship. Sorry I'm so stubborn, but I'm a really loyal person (I have very few, but close knit friends) so I can't let go, not just yet. At least I'm acknowledging it eh? |
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Grand Poohbah
Member Since Sep 2007
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 1,728
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#19
You are acknowledging it and that's a great thing. I think in some ways you have a very mature and healthy attitude about everything. I can understand not wanting to let go, so I am not going to harp on that. The one last thing I will say, and this is not to take hope away from you, but if someone leaves when you are sick, they wouldn't last anyway. You know marriage vows say "in sickness and in health". There is nothing wrong with her deciding she cannot handle the sick you (other than how badly it hurts), but it does show that she's not at a place where she CAN handle all of you, the sickness and the healthy. Depression is a hard beast to beat. Its very hard for others to stick around for. The person you need to be with is someone who can, out of deep love for you, sick with you THROUGH sickness.
Again, you have a good attitude in general, and I think you know in your heart and in your head what you really need to do. Its just going to take some time to accept it. __________________ "School is shortened, discipline relaxed, philosophies, histories, languages dropped, English and spelling gradually gradually neglected, finally almost completely ignored. Life is immediate, the job counts, pleasure lies all about after work. Why learn anything save pressing buttons, pulling switches, fitting nuts and bolts?" Bradbury, Ray Fahrenheit 451 p 55-56 |
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Member
Member Since Jan 2010
Posts: 37
14 |
#20
Well without trying to defend her too much, I didn't really realize at the time I was sick. We both just kinda assumed I was being lazy, or was acting weird, or was just generally unhappy with being away at school.
As far as Heart VS Head. I admit I am biased towards my heart in this instance (Points to username), however the "Head" part of it can't see the harm in trying my damnedest to fix things with her, because I feel like it happened over something that can be fixed. My head see's it as "remove the problem, which is something detrimental anyways, then attempt to heal wounds, and forge back that relationship. We were always good at these kind of things as a couple. If she doesn't want to do that, then well, it will be easier for me to handle than if we didn't try. The fact that she still cares about me, and we've talked about this and made some progress. I can accept if she can't fall for me again, but I need to make sure its ME she isn't falling for, not some shell of who I am. I don't think that is unreasonable... On another note: I'm going to my psychiatrist for a follow up Wednesday. Do you think I should bring some sort of copy of what I have written in the OP and later posts. I feel like I could better express exactly how I feel now and how everything happened now that I've had time to think about it as a whole. Also I'm planning on going to my local was a community, but recently upgraded to a state college, and handing in some info, my transcripts, and hopefully get signed up for classes, and get my Financial Aid. That will be a bunch of major burdens lifted off me at once. I think with the help of my meds and as long as I concentrate, these gen ed classes are going to be a breeze. |
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