[aimeesh]

I'm just writing this to get my current thoughts out.... so that I at least know that someone knows how i am feeling, even if you don't know me.

im lonely right now. my boyfriend doesnt get off work for another 4 hours and im so...stressed out about it. I just wish he was with me all the time, even though he's mean to me sometimes.... i still want him around just so i dont feel so alone and ....unwelcome. my mom doesnt want me living here and makes sure i know it. to her i am just a housekeeper so i dont have to pay rent. if i dont do the dishes once out of 500 times she has to point it out like im a lazy slob. I clean her dirty dishes that she doesnt even have the decency to rinse off before stacking in the sink for me. I have to vacuum everyday. i dust once a week and she still complains that i dont dust well enough and her allergies are bothering her. she could suffocate to death on a dust bunny for all i care. this woman makes me feel horrible and makes me hate myself and always questions my mothering. makes me feel like and incompetent mother. makes me feel like an uneducated dumb little girl who has a baby and needs 100% guidance. I've talked to her about howmuch it bothers meand she tries to say that if i don't care about her "imput and geniune advice" then i'm obviously not interested in what's best fopr my son?? that i dont care about the wellbeing of my son????

sometimes the things she says really just makes me want to .....i dont know, PUNCH HER IN THE FACE?? i hate that i get abusive thoughts, my father was abusive during my entire childhood so starting as a child i promised myself to never let my anger get the best of me, to never hit or slap to express my anger, to learn to use words. But honestly, i really would love to punch my own mother, how horrible is that?

i feel lonely. i want friends so badly but im terrible at ....making friends? i assume they wont like me so i don't even try, i even avoid it just so i wont get hurt. but it doesnt help because i hurt all the time because i have no friends. the only people that i talk to that i actually believe might give atiny ***** about me.... are people online. not to insult like everyone on this board who has internet friends but i feel f*cking pathetic for not having friends in the flesh. I suppose the internet makes me feel more confident. you cant see how ugly i am, or how fat i am, i have time to think of something interesting to say in a chat room, i dont feel in the spotlight and under enormous pressure like i do with people in my town that i once was friends with. I don't know why i have this problem. I don't even like to talk on the phone. If i dont already know who it is there is no way in hell I am goingto answer. Im terrified it'll be someone i wont want to talk to..... someone will invite me to something and i wont have a reason on the spot to say no and save myself from embarrassment. .....I only end up lonely and feeling pathetic and incredibly awkward.... not able to be cabable of making any real friends. I have a feeling once anyone got to know me they wouldnt like me anymore.... becausei know that I hate myself....so why wouldnt everyone else?

i cant get a job. i look everyday and i feel like there is no hope. i had one interview yesterday and i was excited and hopeful but now i justg.... have this feeling they'll call me and say "sorry, we didnt choose you" or just never call at all. or I'll call and they'll say they already filled the position and then i'll feel so pathetic that i wasnt even worth a phone call.... i dont even know how to get a job, im terrible at interviews.... and my BF when he's angry always brings up that i dont work and it makes me feel so guilty and worthless and.....god! i feel like such a GIANT BURDEN on everyone and sometimes i feel like everyone would have a better happier life if i wasn't in it.

[(JD)]

(((aimeesh)))
You certainly are in two abusive relationships aren't you? I suppose it's because of your dad that you can't break out of them, and maybe feel "comfortable" being treated the way you really feel?
You need therapy hon. If you can't find a trained counselor who can help you see the abuse, and help you become strong enough as an individual.... then go to the library and begin reading the books on relationships, and trauma, and abuse...if you can.
These situations never get better on their own. You're recognizing the abuse, perhaps you're ready to progress.
stay safe.

[Blue Krik]

Your post made me terribly sad. Because, just like you, I'm very 'comfortable' in abusive relationships. My dad was emotionally and verbally (and occasionally physically, too) abusive all throughout my life, including now that supposedly I'm an adult. I've had a boyfriend who liked to prove he's better than me at everything. Just like you, I'm terrible with interviews, so he'd point out that I'm a failure and that I'll never have the life I want. Or any kind of life, he would add. Or he would throw comments like 'you're so stupid, you can't have friends cause no one likes you'. Blah.

Your mom is also being very abusive and not at all understanding of your situation. I understand that things are tough and may seem without hope, but since you did admit to being abused, it is time to get help. Because you can do anything you set your mind to, it's just a question of believing in yourself.

As for the friends issue? Jesus, you might just be my long lost twin. My only friends are online people. I take pleasure in that because I can sit behind my screen and they don't judge me, like any real people would. If I tell someone online I'm depressed, they'll try and help, be there with even just a kind word. I do that with someone real, and they just tell me to get over it and start living. People don't know how hard it is to actually DO something, they don't understand, so I personally avoid them at all costs. Not such a good thing, considering I'm slowly developing agoraphobia and I gotta tell you, it's one of the worst things I've experienced until now.

You are definitely not a giant burden. You might feel lost and without a compass, but you have a kid and he deserves only the best from his mother. And his mother deserves the best, too. Like I've been told before, the only way out of abusive relationships is to just get out. Put a stop to it all and make your own path in life. That is extremely hard to do, I've been trying to get ready for that for over two years and it still hasn't happened. So yeah, it's going to be tough, but your life will instantly improve. At least that's what some people told me, including therapists.

Whatever you decide to do, you can find support here.
I wish you well, stay strong.

[Rohag]

Originally Posted by aimeesh

But honestly, i really would love to punch my own mother, how horrible is that?

Horrible? Well, you've found here a group of whom a surprising proportion have or had toxic parents, including mothers. Welcome!

Originally Posted by aimeesh

...i feel like such a GIANT BURDEN on everyone and sometimes i feel like everyone would have a better happier life if i wasn't in it.

Yes, I acknowledge you feel that way, Aimeesh. I suspect, however, there are at least two significant people in your life who derive something for themselves in nurturing those feelings in you.

May the day arrive - and soon - when the key people in your life are at least non-toxic.

[msolson81]

I am sorry that you are going through this You are a worthy person who deserves to be respected. I wish I had some fantastic words of wisdom, but I don't. All I can say is that I hope you find a way to improve your situation and get on a path that will lead you to where you want to be. ((((aimeesh))))

[aimeesh]

thanks for the support

ive gotten a lot better since i joined this place even only like a week ago just because everyone here is so kind and understanding and ....you dont make me feel ridiculous or dumb like my family does about the way i feel. like "just dont think about sad things" .....what? oh, okay.....? *instantly healed*

still feeling.... crappy.... everyday, but at least i dont feel as alone as i did before. im so glad i found this place. i feel like everyone around me does NOT understand what I am going through and are totally unsympathetic and even rude about it.

you guys arent