[justfloating]

Through November and December (and possibly some of October, I can't really remember now), I was having some REALLY wicked mood swings. I mean the kind where one minute I was happy and enjoying myself, and the next I was bursting into tears for no reason, and then as suddenly as it started, it would stop again. I was having a burst of good days, then a handful of bad ones. I had to adopt a new system where I'd get as much work done on the good days as possible, because there was no telling when a bad day would come and set me back. I went to see my GP, who said that because of the relatively high dosages of medication that I'm on, wanted to consult with a psychiatrist first to see what should be done. She didn't alter my meds at all, and I continued with the same prescription.

Fast forward to today. First of all, it took OVER A MONTH to get that appointment with the psychiatrist. I'm not particularly surprised, just annoyed. And then, when I did get the appointment, it was for ANOTHER month later. But fine, whatever, there's not a lot I can do about that. I just carried on as usual and finished up the semester. Then I went home for the holidays, spent some time in Florida, and it was JUST what I needed. I have been pretty zen for the past few weeks. I'm not attributing that to anything other than the fact that I'm currently not in classes, my exams are all literature exams (there's not a whole lot of studying you can do for those ones besides reading the material), and I'm not really homesick because I'm going home again when exams are over. I generally feel pretty good every year around this time. The appointment I waited two months for was really an annoyance today, because I'm feeling generally fine. 3/4 of the time, I AM fine. I'm me. The meds and therapy are definitely working. But it's the other 1/4 that worries me, because when the black moods hit, they're HORRIBLE.

So I met the psychiatrist today, and he sat down and said, "Tell me about yourself." Since my diagnosis, I have told my life story six individual times. I am TIRED of telling my life story. First of all, I can't get it all in in a single visit anyway, and secondly, it's just weird for me to have to sit down with yet another total stranger and talk about very intimate details about my life, my family, my relationships, etc. I am not a particularly open person to begin with. Under normal circumstances, it takes me a long time to open up about that stuff with ANYONE. I have had friends for years I still don't talk to about these things. I force myself to tell the doctors and therapists because I know it's confidential, I know they're professionals, and I know they need these details in order to help me, but that doesn't make it any less uncomfortable, and I'm tired of doing it!! I wish I could just keep a file or something I could hand them, let them read the whole things for themselves to save me having to repeat myself over and over. Being so wearied by the process of telling my story, I tend to skim over things as well, so I know I didn't really give him enough details. I was just trying to get the whole thing OUT. And then, of course, being that this was one of my better days mood-wise, the psychiatrist decided he would leave things as they are and check back with me in a month. So. Now I am seeing two doctors in Scotland, one doctor in Canada, plus my counsellor. The sheer amount of TIME I spend in appointments is unbelievable. Don't get me wrong, I'm grateful for their help and there's no way I could battle this depression on my own. But I'm starting to wonder if maybe it IS time for me to take more of this on myself, if medicine and therapy can only go so far and the final step to wellness is mine. Maybe the meds have done all they can, and that last, lingering bit of depression is entirely situational in nature and will only be dealt with by dealing with my situation. I can sit and talk about my feelings for hours on end, but it's been a long time since I've had anything new to say. Maybe I just can't be helped by anyone else, not anymore. Maybe now I just have to help myself.

There's a scary thought.

[sanityseeker]

Hi justfloating.... Perhaps I am not the wisest owl in the flock to be offering much advise on this subject because I have major issues with doctors and do my best to avoid them like the plague. But.... it does give me some insight that I thought I would share.

One thing I have learned and am doing my best to overcome my fears so that I can benefit more from as well, is that the recovery process is not linear. That is to say it is holistic in the sense that it requires movement from more than one directions at the same time.

Many around here refer to it as a recovery or wellness team. It may involve your family doctor, a pdoc, a therapist and, or supports from any number of other learned resources but it also, and most importantly involves you doing your part at the same time. Everyone and everything doing their part, moving together in harmony towards your recovery. You lead the team because you are in the best position to know what is working and what needs tweaked when. You give input to and take input from the team and then you contribute by making the best choices and taking the best steps conducive to your wellness.

You have an important role to play in helping yourself but you are not alone in the process. You are part of a team and that doesn't have to be so scary. Nurture the relationships and contribute to the work of the team. While some of the work will be hard to do you are not without help from your team to make the journey and process work for you.

I am not sure that there is ever such a thing or point in recovery as 'the last lingering bit of depression'. It has been my experience that depression comes and goes. You may go a long time between episodes or you may flip rapidly from mood to mood but seldom do we hear testimony of it vanishing forever. Its impact on our lives will be more or less disturbing depending on our treatment responses.

Whatever the collective armour we walk with we must always be diligent in taking the steps, accepting the treatment and engaging in the behaviours that put us in the healthiest place physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. We may only be able to at best guard ourselves against the effects of the depression. We may not ever see it vanish from our lives but evidence suggest we can manage it so that our lives are less impacted by it day by day.

Be not afraid. You are not alone even if there is work involved that only you yourself can do. You can do it because you are not alone. Wellness is a circle.

After many medications and many therapists, I found this old saw to be true: If it is to be, it it up to me. That said, treatment tools such as therapy and medications are useful. In my case I was told I had a personality that is not conducive to therapy. Just the same I learned something from each of them.

Too, however, I have now fully accepted the fact that my choices, my functioning and my well-being are my responsibility. Instead of seeking the perfect medication, or the therapist that can read my mind, I have assumed the lead roll in pursuing a higher level of functioning.

Perhaps, you now realize what your commitment must be too. Good luck.

[sanityseeker]

I like that.... 'If it is going to be, it is up to me.' I hadn't heard that before. I have put it on a post it note on my mirror. Thanks.

[turquoisesea]

Hey Rebecca, I just saw this... hope you don't mind if I say a few things about it.


First, I understand what you're saying about the time restraints all these appointments cause. I hate it too.... I haven't been going to therapy yet and school is already busy! I also have this B12 thing where I have to get an injection every month for now at least - and the doctors say "aww it's just a short thing, only once a month" but that's another appointment you have to plan for, drive/get transportation to, and spend time on.

That was my initial reaction to your post.

Then I remembered a post you put up a while back. It said that you needed help remember the up times when you are down.

I think you need a reminder about the down times. Every time you get there you say you wish you had gone to more therapy/gotten to the doctor earlier. You always regret that you didn't do what you could while you were UP, so that when you were down all the things weren't in place to bring you BACK up!

Because of this I think it's worth your time to go to these appointments.
Having this doctor near you and available means next time you feel down you can CALL, you can get help more easily than if you didn't. Even if you can't get an earlier appointment you can at least know "In a few weeks I have this appointment".
Maybe next time you're feeling low you can write out how you're feeling, take a journal for the days you're not feeling well - just a few lines a day (I know this might be hard). then, bring that sheet in with you for your appointment with the doctor. This will help clarify what happens to you, and that even though 3/4 of the time you're up, there's another horrible 1/4 of the time that needs to be dealt with.


I'm thinking of you, let us know how things are going *hugs*

[sanityseeker]

Very good advice tourquiose. I hope you are feeling better today Rebecca.

[Fire_Star]

Hugs, I totally understand how you're feeling. I'm in the same situation - I travel a lot so have docs all over the place, not enough time to spend with any to work out what is it that's wrong with me so I'm left untreated. Sucks.