[Knitnut]

I began a journey with my psychologist today; seeking to forgive myself for something that I don't truly need to forgive myself for.

It is a parent thing. Something I did that was the right thing at the time, and remains to be the right thing to do. But even knowing that it was the right thing to do back in 1992...well, it haunts me to this day. Yes it will be 18 years this April since that fateful day; my son is now 35 yrs of age.

A country western song is out right now that causes me to sob when the last verse and last chorus are sung. (I have three stations on my car radio and today I had to change the station twice in a span of 20 minutes because the song came on twice; two different stations.)

It is a wonderful song of a father to his daughter. I hear the last chorus, after the last verse and all I hear is something I wanted to say back in 1992, but I didn't and I shouldn't have. I was forced to put my safety and the safety of my younger daughter and then toddler granddaughter first, before my son.

So, why is it so hard to find forgiveness, even when it isn't "technically" necessary? There is a ton of reading available about forgiving the person who hurt you, but I find nothing about a parent doing the right thing and feeling guilt about it and wanting to forgive oneself.

[amante]

BigCasper,

I feel for your situation, have you sought some counselling, or guidance from a professional level with how to cope with the forgiveness. It could be worth trying some christian/spiritual T. how does your son feel, does he know how much you are in pain with the forgiveness issue. I'm sorry you are having a hard time. sending gentle thoughts your way.

I still harbor some pretty tough feelings about a surgeon that butchered me, and cannot forgive, so I can fully understand how hard it must be for you with your son. Hang in there.

[jennaorgana]

forgiving isn't forgetting. forgiving is letting go of the pain, shame, or trauma, but keeping the lesson. sometimes it's hard to let go of the pain because we are used to it, it helps us feel alive and it lets us feel not guilty of our decisions because hey, we STILL feel pain about it.

just know that you did what you had to do at the time. if there's anything you can do right now, do it. but chances are there's nothing now you can do... so why hold on to the pain?

[Knitnut]

Amanda, I have been in and out of therapy since I was 15 yrs old. More in than out. I am 61 years old.

[idontknow13]

((((bigcasper)))))

[Rohag]

From 'Man overboard!': The HMAS Nizam Tragedy by Andrew & Sarah Rose, Red Rose Books, 2006, p. 76:

The Commanding Officer's Dilemma
The ultimate responsibility for a warship, including the safety and well being of the crew, rests with the commanding officer: he must protect the ship as his prime obligation. But he may sometimes face a challenging dilemma at sea, when rendering assistance to crewmen can place his whole ship in serious danger.

Jack Aubrey, the commanding officer in Peter Weir's gripping film Master and Commander, faced the dramatic choice between cutting a crewman adrift, or losing his ship and possibly the entire crew. In fact, there was no real choice available to him. He must put the lives of his ship's company ahead of the individual. Such is the burden of command...

I cannot know how analogous your situation is/was to the above, but the moral dilemmas of "the burden of command" have been recognized and debated in military and political circles since antiquity.

Bigcasper, may you find peace.

Forgiveness is a process, much like grieving. Also, most people are harder on themselves. You did the best you could.

[BashfullOne]

Wow, you are putting so much guilt on yourselfl for something that you had to do 18 years ago - it's been eating at you for a long time. It sounds like you had to make a choice that has hurt you tremendously, and that you had no other choice but to do what you did. But you feel that you need to forgive yourself for what you did. Forgive your self and know that what you did was the right thing to do for you and your son. Write it down, read it out loud to yourself, and burn it. You will feel the weight leave your body, you may cry, and you should feel so much better, and be able to put it finally behind you. Once I forgave the person who raped me when I was a small child the freedom I felt was overwhelming and I cried with the release of the pain that had been a part of my life for over 40 plus years.

I pray that you find the peace you are looking for and please, keep on posting...
((((BigCasper)))) many hugs

[Pomegranate]

When you read any of these self help books and you actually find something helpful, put YOU in the place of the "person who hurt you."

It sounds like maybe you can not accept the outcome of what you had to do? We can do the right thing and it can still cause all kind of pain and changed circumstances for a long time, maybe forever. Some people, even our own family have cold, frozen, unforgiving hearts. That's what's hard to accept. We do the right thing and there is no "happy ever after," no justice, only more pain. It takes a long time to accept that, to stop blaming ourselves and hoping that somehow, someway, something we do will make everything better. It's a very bitter pill to swallow.

[Mike_J]

The hardest person to forgive is yourself, but just becaus it is hard doesn't mean you shouldn't do it.