[Inky]

The interview went well.

I was excited and upbeat all day, thinking about the possibility of making enough to live on, of being called in for another, which I really think I will.

... and then we left work, and I got in the car.

On the way home, I asked the only question I'm allowed to ask my father, the 'safe' question that my mother says won't set off his bipolar.

How was the baby?

And his response was I wouldn't know, I seem to be banned from the baby.

And the rest of the ride home he talked about how sick he is of my mother, how she has to have things her own way, how she's martyring herself because she has the baby all day and also has to do everything else (although others offer to do things for her), and she won't let him do anything and he's going to ask his sister if he can go live with her until he can find a job...

... and how if my mother dies from the stress, that's fine, because he won't have to leave.

And then I asked him if they need me to say no if I get the job offer, if he thinks it will mess up his jobs or something, and he said he doesn't care, because it will be up to me and my sister as to how I get back and forth to work, because when he leaves she can have her car back.

And I've worked my whole life to keep this family together, and it's killing me. And I messaged an old friend back from Iraq and asked her if maybe her family wouldn't mind taking me and my baby in until I get back on my feet.

I have no where to go. Nowhere to turn.

I'm tired of supporting them. I'm tired of spending all my time at work, killing myself at a job I hate, never seeing my baby, and then going home to be cut down and depressed.

I can't cry anymore. I'm just empty.

I have no friends, no life, and now no family.

I always took so much pride in the fact that they were together, that my parents hadn't split up when almost everyone else's have.

I wanted to tell him that even though we're his adult daughters, we love him and need him, but it wouldn't have made any difference. It would have opened me and my mother up to more biting comments.

I'm done in. I don't know what to do, where to go, what to say, what not to say.

I'm lost.

[NuckingFutz]

Turns out that wasn't the safe question after all. Time to get out on your own when you can. You just got used as a mobile T. My family does it all the time. I've learned to play a game called "look". Once they start talking, say "oi look, they are expanding the highway" or building a building or or point out any old thing. It works. Just remember, a boring ride beats a stressful one anyday. And congrats on the job offer.

[Inky]

The one thing keeping me from leaving is that I don't have a car.

I've never had a car. They've seen to it, by taking all my money with or without my permission.

If I had a car, I could move out and still go to work.

Without a car, I can't move out, because I'll lose my job and not be able to pay rent.

[NuckingFutz]

Just sounds like they want you to stay with them because they need a sounding board and and an ATM. Good luck with this. Sendhng you hugs!

[darkpurplesecrets]

((((Inky))))

Thank you for posting and for sharing. I am so sorry you are going through this and that it has been so hard on you. I am not from the same situation but I can say I understand having nothing and trying to break away from family. Sometimes they are the hardest ones to break from and the most toxic to be around.

I know you care and I hear you love them. But you have to think about you and your baby. I know it is scary, and that not having a place to go or a car is so hard. Do you have any friends that you could reach out to? It is so hard to step away. Fear, feeling like you cannot make it, being cut down and the depression.

Have you looked into other areas of help? Have you looked into taking a bus to work? Are you seeing a t right now? Many times they have ways to set you up with help that you need. And it sounds like you could really use someone to talk with and listen to you. I would encourage you to try to find someone to talk with.

I know that lost feeling and I know it is not a good place to be. I am sorry you are feeling so lost. I am so glad that you had a good interview, and I wish you luck in getting called back in for another. Please try to take care of you. Remember to breath. I know the feeling of not being able to cry anymore, but the tears are there in time they will come again.

Thank you again for posting. Please keep reaching out here and letting us know how you are doing. We are listening and hearing what you are saying. Know that we care.

dps

Inky, go here to get the phone number for your local VA patient advocate, even if you are not right now a patient: http://www.va.gov/landing2_contact.htm Find out what assistance is available to you.

You might also want to go to the web page for your state's government. Call information, explain your predicament and ask to be directed to someone who can tell you what assistance you may be eligible for.

You can try here too: http://www.nami.org/template.cfm?sec...our_local_nami

And here: http://211.org/

Good luck.