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#1
Feb 20, 2010, 06:56 PM
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A friend of mine is currently in the air, flying from Canada to Scotland to see me for a week. We're spending a few days here, then we're going down to London for a few days. I'm excited but at the same time, I've had this anxious knot in my stomach for weeks leading up to her visit. My life in Scotland and my life in Canada are about as different as it's possible to be. I am two totally different people, in the way I act, the way I talk, the things I do ... everything. I keep my life in Scotland as private as I can when I'm at home, mostly because I'm ashamed of it. Here, I'm living on the fringes. It's more of a half-life. I'm pretty much a recluse. I have no social life to speak of. I don't have friends so much as good acquaintances. I'm very set in my routines and I spend a large portion of my time alone. It's in large part due to the fact that my depression really set in as soon as I started university so I spent a long time isolating myself from everyone else. Now, halfway through my third year, I've been making attempts to get out there and engage in things properly, but it hasn't been easy and most of the time, it's been pathetically unsuccessful.
Nobody from Canada knows me as this person. At home, I'm involved, engaging, sociable ... mostly because it's easy to hide a mood disorder when you only have to do it for a few weeks out of the year. At home I've always hidden behind that mask of "I'm fine". But now, with my friend coming over, I'm terrified of what she's going to think. I'm terrified she's going to realize how much I've allowed my life to just wither away, how lonely and pathetic I've become. I'm so ashamed of the life I lead here and I decided a while back that the only thing to do was to press forward -- after all, there's only a year and a half of it left -- but it's not something I'll be able to bury with her here. I don't know what to do.  
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Rebecca "If you're going through hell -- keep going." - Winston Churchill It's better to live your own destiny imperfectly than to live an imitation of somebody else's life with perfection. - Elizabeth Gilbert Bring on the wonder, we got it all wrong, we pushed you down deep in our souls, so hang on. Bring on the wonder, bring on the song, I pushed you down deep in my soul for too long. - Susan Enan http://igetupagain.wordpress.com/ |
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#2
Feb 20, 2010, 07:29 PM
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Be you? Just be you.
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 justfloating, thine_self_untrue
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#3
Feb 20, 2010, 10:47 PM
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(((Rebecca)))
 She is your friend. You don't have to put on a mask to make her more comfortable or happy. Seeing you and being there is what will make you both a little more happy. Please be yourself. Very best wishes to you!
__________________
"Only in the darkness can you see the stars." - Martin Luther King Jr. "Forgive others not because they deserve forgiveness but because you deserve peace." - Author Unkown |
| justfloating
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