[englishteacher]

I have made up my mind to go the MHMR tomorrow (okay - I guess it would be today now)and get an assessment, but I'm afraid I'll back out. I was going to go last week, but I backed out. I'm terrified that I will be told a) that I'm a danger to myself and others or b) that there is nothing wrong with me and I should stop being a crybaby. Which is worse? I don't know.

If I do go, will I even be able to be honest? I don't know. I'm too afraid. What if they decide I'm an unfit mother and take my children? What if I'm put in a hospital? What will happen to the rest of my obligations? Who will take over my classes and will they be good to my students? What will people think? I'll never be able to get another teaching job, and I love teaching college english. In the classroom, I feel confident. I'm good at it and most of my students appreciate me.

I've been in and out of therapy since I was 8 years old. My parents took me in when I was little because I was having stomache problems and headaches that couldn't be explained physically. The therapist worked with me for a while (I don't remember how long I saw her), showed me ink blots, drew pictures with me, and talked. Then I stopped going. I don't know why...can't remember because I was only 8.

In middle school - same stomache problems/headaches but no therapist.

In high school, my grandma died and my parents split right after. In retrospect, I think my dad waited until his mom died to leave my mom. Lots of drama - dad had a kid with a married woman who he brought to our apartment frequently (leaving used condoms in my bathroom). My mom seemed crazy at the time - she was dealing with her own stuff - but I wasn't tuned in to that at the time. Finally, I decided that I didn't want to live anymore. Attempt failed and I ended up in therapy again. For weeks after the attempt, I wouldn't even leave my apartment. I couldn't stand for people to touch me. I was terrified of people... all of them - mom, dad, everyone. If they got too close, I'd ball up into the fetal position and shake all over. So, six or so months of therapy and relaxation techniques. After 6 months, I was sent from the psychologist to the psychiatrist who deemed me well.

In college, I sought out free counseling on campus because I was having trouble dealing with depression. I saw the counselor for about 2 years. She was fabulous and very helpful in digging out some of my triggers. She helped me realize that sometimes my version of reality was distorted. We discussed the problems with my alcoholic father (who also suffers from a chemical imbalance) and worked through some issues. She also decided after 9 months that I probably had a chemical imbalance. She sent me to the psychiatrist who put me on Zoloft. I continued with counseling and the Zoloft really seemed to lift the fog.

I stayed on Zoloft for years. It worked. I could function and I could also recognize triggers and usually my distortions of reality. Unfortunately, I occasionally had periods when I felt the Zoloft was holding me back, stifling my creativity and ideas. I felt it was a crutch and I wanted to be strong enough to function without the meds. So, of course, I quit taking them. A couple of months would go by and I'd have a total meltdown and my husband would convince me to start taking my meds - half the time by threatening to leave me if I didn't.

Now - no Zoloft due to no insurance and no money. Major meltdowns every other week for months. If not a meltdown, then a shutdown...I'd play video games or read every waking moment - someone else's reality is a lot easier to deal with than my own. One of the scariest things is that I've always been a person who turns it all inward - all the rage, pain, etc. Lately though, I find myself getting angry at others and wanting to lash out. It's one thing to hurt myself, but it's just unacceptable that I might hurt someone else. Still, sometimes I find myself so angry in public and I want to be mean and hurt the person standing in front of me - not physically, but emotionally. I want to tear them down and make them feel like crap. I want them all to feel bad because they all hurt me, because no one cares about their neighbors any more.

So, it's almost 7:00 a.m. and the family will get up and I'll wipe my tears and pretend that I haven't been awake for hours brooding and crying. Fear, fear, fear.

[englishteacher]

Just a thought - obviously, not all my neighbors are callous - after all, you guys are my neighbors...so obviously, some people out there still care about their fellow man

[Tatyana2009]

Hello, I just read your posts. I am amazed. Your post is so so honest and sharp. You write so clearly and so honestly about what you have been through, your emotional state/s, your behaviour and your thoughts. I want to hug you for it. And I want to hug you so you feel better. But this is me. I have such a strong need to make it better. And when I read your struggle I am touched.

I think it is great that you went to therapy and identified some of the issues. It sounds like lately you find it increasingly difficult to cope. Have you considered going back to therapy? You should not deal with this on your own, especially if you feel so overwhelmed by it all.

What you describe sounds so much like my boyfriend. He too had unexplained stomach aches when he was little well into his teens. I think he was given meds for it but the pain and vometting was not explained. Unlike you, he was never taken to therapy as a kid and was told by his step mum 'just get on with it' (his mum died when he was 12).

He is now over 40 and when has been suffering from social phobia, need to hurt others like the one you describe, failed marriage, trust and commitment issues, projection, disassociation, depression and uncontrolled anger, mood swings, alcoholism, anxiety and so on. I am sure that (and this is my own judgment) he has a chemical disorder of seratonin. He was on anti depressants about a year ago and it helped a lot. He stopped because he thought he was better. I think he is depressed again and he just blames everything/one around him. He too, can come up in sweeping statements that all people are this and all women are that (as the one you made about neighbours - and I am so glad you added your note correcting the thinking). His thinking is at times so distorted... I am glad you could realise triggers - that is a huge step. He is not in touch with himself in that way. His father is an alcoholic but unfortunately the family covers that up. If I dare say that he is - I am the devil. He has some untouched status in the family which is pathetic to me. The stepmother has her covered up mental issues and she was emotionally abusive towards my bf from teen years to this very day (though he has not much contact with her these days). He too, can sit awake for hours, being awake at 4 and his brain racing... I also suspect he has borderline personality disorder and is using alcohol to 'cope' with the depression. I am sure he was abused physically as a child but he denies it.

Tha abuse you describe is horrific. To ball up in a fetal position and shake all over - life must have been so taugh... I am so so sorry. To me you are a brave woman! You face the issues and fight to get better. I will respond also to your other post. Please take a good care of yourself and maybe speak to your dr about this too. Have you tried herbal remedies for depression and anxiety? They can help a great deal without the side effects.

Big hug, T xx

[Hippie]

Englishteacher:
When you see therapist tell them you cannot afford the meds. They have free samples, maybe something other than Zoloft but something as helpful. A therapist will help you with that issue.
Let me know how it goes.

[englishteacher]

Thanks again Tatyana for your support. I'm sorry to hear that your bf has similiar issues. I understand the whole family cover up thing. It wasn't accepted in my family either, but that doesn't mean it wasn't true. He's lucky to have someone on his side, and I bet sometimes it's really hard on you to be there for him. I wish you the best and I hope you get the support you need on this site.

I have tried the herbal stuff and it doesn't do much for me. I am looking into some therapy.

[englishteacher]

Hippie - I'm working on it. I went to MHMR this morning and I have another appointment next week. They diagnosed me with severe depressive disorder, but they want to test me further for possible bi-polar disorder. It may be another week or two before I actually get the meds, but I'm working on it.

[Tatyana2009]

How does it feel to have the diagnosis? Is it a relief at all? I am pleased you are being checked and looke after!

Thanks for your kind words. I just hope he would feel more often how lucky he is. He blames me way too much. He is a lovely man and I love him dearly. But when the depression kicks in - its difficult to be around him. He may be pi polar as he can have 1 great week when he is talkative, doing lots, smily and carring and then another week when he is withdrawn, negative, swears and being hurtful - so he moves from idealising me to demonising me... its so hard.

I am sorry that herbal stuff did not help. I dont know how expensive accupuncture is where you are but give it ago - its great for balancing the mind, emotions and the body. Chinese herbs, especially 'Radix Bapleuri and Radix Angehicae Sinensis Combination' and 'Radix Bupleuri and Cortex Moutan Combination'. These are traditional chinese herbs.

[englishteacher]

I feel relieved after being diagnosed - silly really because I've been diagnosed before, but that doesn't stop me from wondering if maybe I'm just being a cry baby when I'm in the middle of a crisis. It also seems silly that being told it isn't my fault is so helpful. My mood has improved 60-70 percent in 24 hours. I know very well that I'm not out of the woods yet, but I have hope again. I DID something - I reached out and found help. It's really very empowering and reminds me that I'm not a bad person. Suddenly, my brain functions a bit more normally. I can't say how much I really appreciate the support I have found here. Isn't it amazing that those of us who are so hurt and so confused can find it in ouselves to offer compassion and warmth to others? That gives me hope too!

[Tatyana2009]

I am so glad you feel better! I understand the sense of validation you feel and the relief. Yes, you are right - you did something to help yourself. That in itself is very rewarding and empowering and you should be very proud of yourself!!

Yes, its inspiring that people here that suffer are able to offer kind words and compassion. It gives me hope too x

[Hippie]

You made a really good choice to go and a brave one considering how scared you were, You deserve a big pat on the back! I'm relieved to hear you went.

[1flagwriter]

Englishteacher,

Your story is amazing! Thank you for being so open and honest. I, too suffer with Major Depression (MDD). I have had this diagnosis since childhood and have been on AD meds since 7 y/o (I'm 38 now).

MDD is a lifelong struggle, so prepare yourself. However, you can find peace with treatment and therapy. There are some very good meds out there and I have found that a combo of AD and anti-anxiety (AA) meds work best. The best AA med in the world is Klonopin!

I am wishing you all the best and hope you will keep us updated!!

BTW...I was an English major before switching over to Psych.

[englishteacher]

Thanks Flagwriter - I'm 42 and I've been doing this since I was 8. Silly me, I see improvement and my life seems on an even keel OR we can't afford them .... so no more meds! You would think this particular lesson (stay on meds) would sink in!

By the way, I switched from psych to English...I guess a lot of us who suffer are drawn to help others.

[1flagwriter]

Englishteacher,

I am worried that you aren't striving to get on and stay on meds...I cannot tell you how important it is!

I loved English, but only real jobs were like you...a teacher. I didn't want to teach. I have 5 more years until I retire from the Military, so I can figure out between now and then what I want to do when I grow up...

[englishteacher]

Don't worry Flagwriter - right now meds are of primary importance. I have another appointment Wednesday and my husband may be able to get me on his insurance with some sort of emergency family clause. I am actively pursuing meds.

[1flagwriter]

I'm so happy to hear that!!! I really hope you can get on your husband's insurance also, that would be great for you!! Please keep us posted.

[angie2716]

I'm sorry you are going though all of this. I am going through severe depression myself along with panic disorder and agoraphobia. I hope everything works out for you and if you ever need someone to talk to you can pm me. I'm usually on here most of the time. I hardly ever get off of here.