[flora_poste]

I started feeling it last night, before bed. That's usually when I get the most depressed, because that's when things are quiet and I don't have anything to distract from the thoughts and feelings I try to ignore through the day. It started out by my thinking about J. I miss him a lot. I feel like I'm missing a big chunk of myself. It kills me that the last time we spent together as best friends will probably be the last and the last time we spent as lovers will also be the last. It's so hard to give up. I know I have to. As long as he's in my life I'm going to be in love with him and I'm going to want more than he can give me. I can't go on like that anymore. But god.... it really f******* hurts.

Then of course I had to have a dream about him. He was holding me, telling me he was sorry for everything and he told me he loved me and he always would. I told him I loved him and I just cried in his arms. I rarely ever remember my dreams... why did I have to remember this one? I woke up pretty upset.

Then not long after I wake up, my housemate knocks on my door to tell me that the cable/internet was shut off in her rooms (we share a bill), it wasn't turned off in mine yet, so I took a look at my bank account and it was already over $50 in the red. I didn't know what else to do, I need internet connection in order to work, and she's broke till friday, so I paid $50 on it anyway. YAY, now I'm over $100 in the red! I have money coming in to cover it within the next few days, but still, this is such a horrible pattern for me. I just simply don't have the money to make ends meet. These ends are on opposite sides of the freaking universe. I'm just so overwhelmed most of the time and I feel like I'm utterly screwed. My phone and cable are constantly being threatened to be turned off or are turned off I owe hundreds to each. I'm ridiculously behind in rent. Thankfully, a friend of my housemate is letting me live in this house because he's renovating it to sell and he isn't really doing it for the money, otherwise I'd be REALLY screwed... but I feel absolutely awful for not being able to pay.

If it weren't for the help of my family, I'd probably have been on the streets by now. Every time I start to get caught up or even slightly caught up, I get sick or something happens that keeps me from being able to make money (like the website I work for being shut down for 3 months for redesign, blackouts, emotional trauma).

I have so many health issues that are holding me back. Since I moved to NY I've had chronic respiratory infections. I had strep every month for over a year, forcing me out of a regular paying job. Now I don't get that so much, but everything else I do. If someone comes into my home sick, I will get it... there really isn't a question anymore. Since december alone I've had pneumonia, bronchitis twice and at least 2 colds. In order to do my job I need my voice to be clear and not be coughing constantly. So right there, thats several weeks without money coming in.

On top of the respiratory problems, my eyes are in constant pain due to them not working together properly (not because I need new glasses) and it gets worse every year... I've had the problem since I was a kid, but it's gotten to the point where it's extremely hard to read more than a paragraph or two of text at a time (I used to love to read, but it's been a few years since I've been able to finish a book). It often leaves me bed ridden because it's so unbearable. I've had surgery for it, I've been put on meds that either didn't work or I was allergic to. The only thing so far that has eased the pain is weed, and let me tell you, it's not cheap when you have to use it daily so you can function through the day without wanting to blow your brains out from pain. So that right there is contributing a lot to my financial crisis. Not to mention the stigma of needing an illegal drug to function has lowered my self esteem (even though weed is less harmful then alcohol and it is very beneficial medicinally... yet my grandmother has been a prescribed morphine junkie for the past 8 years and no one thinks anything of it).

I also have a genetic neurological disorder which also causes a great deal of fatigue and pain, I have a lot of stomach problems that I have no idea what the cause is other than maybe stress (there have been a lot of weeks I've had to live on liquids because my stomach couldn't handle solid food, making me extremely weak). Not to mention my problem with depression and BPD. I have no idea what days I'm going to be ok, and what days I'm going to be stuck in bed. Unfortunately, it's usually more of the later.

My friends don't get it, they usually tell me it's all in my head, which just lowers my self esteem even more. And if I try to tell them that they are wrong and why, they say I'm making excuses. It's what people have always told me, even doctors... before they actually bothered to do tests. How is it all in my head when doctors have actually diagnosed these problems? I seriously feel like punching them in the scull when they say things like that. I know it's because they've always been perfectly healthy and can't fathom my situation and because there are times when I do seem fine. Still, it bugs me.

So basically, I'm screwed out of keeping a regular stable job because not only do I not have much experience doing anything, I'm also constantly sick so no job is going to keep me for very long when I'm not working for over a fourth of the month, sometimes longer. My current means for money, though did serve me well for a while, just isn't cutting it (when it was, I was paying only $400 for rent and had no bills other than internet and half a phone bill). So I can't get a decent job because I'm sick and I can't get medicaid to help me not be sick because the government says I make too much money. That makes a whole lot of sense. I have been on a NYC funded HMO, but the HMO kinda says everything. I was on it for a year (until an ex housemate threw my reapplication form out and by the time I found out it was too late), but I never got to see my doctor because they wouldn't give me an appointment that wasn't a month and a half in advance and by the time it actually came around I totally forgot about it or I'd be stuck in bed, too sick to get on a train and haul my butt across the city and walk 4 city blocks to see them (nor could I afford the $30 or so for a cab). Tried getting my teeth tended to, but the dentist wanted me to have surgery before having cavities filled (the cavities were and still are the worse problem) , but the surgeons were much like the doctor I never got to see. By the time I was able to get in, no more insurance. The only doc that was helpful was the gyno. I feel like I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't. I feel really helpless.

There are so many things I want to do. I want to sell things, have my own business. Not necessarily a big one, just big enough so I can keep my head above water. I've even been doing the research and brainstorming. I have great ideas and the drive... it's just so frustrating when it takes money to make money and you have no money at all.

[bluestate]

You are dealing with so many issues, is there a free clinic anywhere near you? A therapist would be so good to have, is there any way at all you can manage that?

Tell me more about your ideas for your business. That does sound interesting.

Good luck.

(((((flora_poste)))))

[flora_poste]

there used to be a few, but they've either lost funding or are no longer taking new people. There are low cost clinics, but in order to get low cost you have to have proof of income, which I don't have.

I've looked into a lot of things here, but those are the 3 issues I'm faced with every time I inquire. I'm always hearing about programs, but none of these programs seem to exist anymore or are so flawed they aren't much use to anyone. Half the time they don't answer the phone or the number is no longer in service. It's pretty messed up. Those who are on medicaid seem to do fine, but it's next to impossible to get on it here. The income limit is $700, when that's the usual rent for a room in an apartment or boarding house in NYC! Most people who are on it here got on it years ago or admitted themselves to the psych ward to get it. I've been tempted a lot to do the same, but I've been there and I didn't like it much and my luck is that tactic doesn't even work anymore.

I'm going to try to at least get on the HMO and just be as hard assed as I can about getting adequate care and stop letting them put me off. It'll take a few months, though. I realized I should apply for food stamps, that would help my finances a lot and I do know I'm qualified for that. I just need to renew my ID to get things started.

Business ideas... well, the one I want to do on my own is a boutique site for gals who like classy and pin-up styles, but have a tight budget (like most of my female friends). There really isn't anything like that around yet. I could manage it fairly cheap too because I can do my own photography, I can get my friends to model, I can build the site myself... the hardest part is coming up with the cash for the products to sell and to trademark the name.

I also have a lot of ideas of things I'd like to make to sell on etsy and at local events: like burlesque gear, journals and things with my photos and prints on them. I also really want to put together a book and have it published (not really for money, I just want to... there are indie publishing sites to do it cheap).

(((((( flora ))))))

[flora_poste]