I'm a mess

I feel like I'm losing hold. For the first time ever today I seriously considered the notion that I'm going crazy. I am such a pessimistic, cynical and distrusting person and it's starting to take control of my life. I have no faith in anything, religion, government, humanity, love. I don't remember how to be happy, truely happy. I'm not living, I'm just passing time. I've gone through so much but feel guilty for having gone through it. I am my own worst critic and worst enemy, my real opinion of myself and my life is probably the lowest it's ever been. I've cut myself off from the world after it has seemingly forced me out time and time again. I'm a burden on my family, I provide nearly nothing right now.

I truely have no purpose in life right now, no direction, no goals or dreams. I have no idea what the future holds for me, but if I keep walking this path it's going to get ugly. It's just crazy how fast life passes you by, you know? It feels like just yesterday I was a kid with a million friends and no worries. Now I'm a loner that doesn't even pick up the phone or respond to emails.

I know the things that have happened to me in my life that have shaped the "person" I am today. I just don't know why I can't get past them like a normal person. I feel like I just need a massive change in my life. Something to basically shock me out of my funk. I've lived in the same town for 24 years of my life, there's nothing for me here. I've traveled but nowhere near enough. I'm only getting older, turning 27 soon and I said... wait seriously, 27?!?! I do not want to be 50 and saying "I wish I did that..." There's so much on this earth I want to experience, I just feel so sapped and apathetic all the time that I can't even muster the nerve to dream about doing these things, let alone look into doing them.

I wanted to keep this short but I guess it got a little long, sorry bad habit

A Long Ways - I'm not sure what I can say to be helpful, but I'm here and I heard you. I'm sorry that you are suffering.

I recently came out of a deep depression and a lot of what you are saying sounds like just where I've been. I know how hard it can be to get motivated to do anything when you feel like this. Is there anything that you enjoy? or remember enjoying?
Hang in there and keep posting. Sometimes talking about it helps.

Hey,

You are not totally cut off - you still answer my PM's and that is a good sign. Plus you are a worthwhile person, able to pull me out of my dark times, provide good advice and friendship when I need it the most.

27 is young, you have nothing keeping you where you are for the time being - go travel (Australia - still a place here in Perth if you want it)

I know that you stopped therapy but really I think you need to find a Pdoc that will be able to help you. It takes time to find the right one.. and anti-depressants are probably a good idea too - at least discuss that with a GP and see what they can do for you.

Are you still going to the gym and exercising?

Most of the depression seems to stem from the relationship break-down... IMO
and time is the greatest healer of heartbreak. Now it's time to focus on you and getting you back on track.

If there is ANYTHING you need/want/have to talk about I am always here for you

Sounds like you need a trip to the local library. Seriously. Walk the isles, look for any book that interests you. Find one with just pictures of Islands or sunsets or world places, anything. Find just one that you can get lost in for a night and read or look at until you can't stay awake anymore. If it doesn't work, I'll double your money back.

Hello, A_Long_ways. Go through this career manual and find out who you are. It will take some time, but you seem to have some. Good luck.

http://www.cdm.uwaterloo.ca/

(((A Long Ways))) - sounds like your depression is getting worse. I can't remember if you're on medication or therapy - I know you were in therapy. Are you in school and what are you studying? Let me 1st say you're still young but it's normal to be asking these questions because you know there's more to life. I think it's important to take things one step at a time - meaning you're overwhelming yourself with all these thoughts and you know you can't solve them and this makes you feel defeated. The 1st step in getting out of this bad stage you're in because it's difficult to find solutions when you're looking through pessimistic glasses.

I agree you should look at the link Byz gave you and then make a list of what you would love to do even if you can't at this moment. I want you to ask yourself - what are your passions and what interests you? Some people make 'vision boards' and cut out pictures of what they want in life - it might be kids/wife, a car, healthy foods, traveling to a place you've always wanted, etc. Hopefully the board won't be filled with just materialistic things only. Is there a specific cause you feel passionate about?? Sometimes it's takes a real down moment to happen, which forces us to look within and change. I also recommend delving into the Buddhist philosophies. But the 1st step at this moment is to feel a little better. I also find it helpful to get a little mad(constructively) and this can stirs your inner survivor mentality. This is what happens to me when I feel slapped in the face by reality - I become stronger and I hope you will too. You can be your own advocate.

((((((((((A_Long_Ways)))))))))))

I can really relate to what you're saying. There are a lot of things in your post that I could've written myself. I don't have any answers but I hope you can draw some comfort from knowing you're not alone in these feelings.

yes you are def not alone here. i can almost copy/paste what you just said and sign my name at the bottom. im here to talk if you want!

Just wanted to thank Lynn P for such constructive advice to all of us

A Long ways, I know these feelings so well. Hang in there, you're not alone. How long have you felt this way?

If you would like, you may message me anytime to talk.

How are you doing, A_Long_ways?

Hey everyone,

Thanks for your replies, I feel like a jerk for not replying back to you until now.

Things are pretty much the same around here, wish I had some good news but unfortunately nothing of the sort.

I cut off my therapist after 3 sessions, we just weren't clicking and he didn't really seem to understand me and acted uninterested. He was also a lot older than me and it just didn't feel right.

A few people asked if there was anything I enjoyed, at this point not so much. I guess I enjoy hanging out with my brother. A lot of the things I did enjoy were very closely related to work and my girlfriend, both of which are gone. I like working out but have been barely doing it recently. I have other interests, but things that I know I cannot attain.

Lynn I think you mostly hit the nail on the head. I have a very analytical and investigative mind, and spend way too much time pondering unanswerable questions. When I can't find an answer, or when I find an answer I don't agree with, I do become discouraged and ultimately feel defeated. I just find it so hard to believe that we were granted this conciousness, this gift of life and unrivaled intelligence to create, and this pop culture materialistic society is the best we could come up with. I guess I just ultimately feel like we, humans, could be doing a lot better than we are. Knowing that I can't change that makes me play the "If/then" game in my head. If I can't change it, then there's no point trying. If the world is going to keep destroying itself, then there's no point trying. If thousands of people are dying from starvation daily while someone can spend ten million dollars on a comic book, then there's something wrong. And I can go on, and this is my problem.

I just find it so hard to throw my hands up and surrender. I don't want to just assimilate myself into this culture of American Idol and TMZ. There is so much going on in the world today that the masses are just ignorant to, so many evil greedy people with so much money and power. A friend of mine confronted me about it while we were talking, she said "You have so many problems with our government, can you think of anything better?". I was stumped for a few minutes and couldn't come up with an answer. I dunno, perhaps I'm holding humanity to too high of a standard. I just need to find a happy medium where I can accept that this is what the world is, but still not buy into all of the fake crap and closed eyes that comes with it.

I guess ultimately I just feel crushed by the forces that run this world. I didn't have the happy little fresh out of high school into college life that you have to live to be worthy in the eyes of society. Now I'm stuck playing catch up while I know that I'll never be able to work in the field that sparks my imagination. Oh well I guess.

Reply #2, heh.

Byz I checked out that link, unfortunately I have no printer so I can't really do it. Maybe I'll print one out on another computer if I get the chance, it seems like a very thorough checklist, could help.

Envision, I have this amazing book of Ireland(100% landscape/landmark pictures). When I'm in a good mood I can look at it in awe but when I'm in a bad mood I just go to the whole "Well sure it's awesome but you'll never be there". It's like my mind just doesn't wanna get out of those funky states when it's in one. Best I can hope for is to sleep it off and wake up in a better mood. The one thing that really helps just completely distract my mind from everything are pictures like this http://hubblesite.org/gallery/album/...32a/web_print/ It's just so incredible how small we are when we really open our eyes to the universe around us.

I think you might be more mature than most guys your age and that's a good thing. You're sensitive and a deep thinker. I also don't like the way society is headed and all the BS materialism and shallow thinking. I hope you find a young lady who appreciates those beautiful qualities you possess.

I agree with lynn P, A Long ways. The real problem is that so few think as deeply as you do. It is truely a rarity to find someone who doesn't "run with the masses."

I get depressed as well about the state of our society, have gotten into several disagreements with my fiance about it. He thinks we just have to accept that "it's the way it is" but I believe we don't have to buy into all of it.

Good luck to you in finding a balance that you can live with. I'm still working on it........

Hi, A_Long_ways! A couple of random thoughts...

1. "I'm a mess." That's the exact phrase I use to describe myself at times.
2. One of the best things I ever did was find a way to go abroad while I was yet a young adult. The experience affected me in far-reaching ways and significantly shaped the course of my life. If you can find a way to travel, you may find the adventure of planning, preparing, and going grants you benefits far beyond what you might expect of simple tourism. Even from the long-term financial perspective, the investment could yield substantial returns.
3. NYC - Dublin, Ireland: 3185 miles
   NYC - 30 Doradus Nebula: ~170,000 light years
   Ireland gets my vote for the more doable destination.

Thanks Lynn & Hopeful, its reassuring to hear I'm not the only one that feels this way.

Rohag, I was actually over in Dublin about 8 months ago, it was great. Met family I had never met before, saw some amazing sights, even went to my great grandparents' grave. Unfortuatenly, even though Ireland is kinda small, it's HELL to get around. Only made it to a few places, Dublin, Ballinasloe, Galway, Cashel, and Limerick. There's still so much more I want to see over there, and that's just Ireland :P Still many countries to visit.

I really do want to travel, I just honestly have no idea how I would go about it these days. Seems ridiculously expensive, especially with the dollar/euro exchange rate and I'm not exactly swimming in cash at the moment unfortunately. Maybe in the future

How are you doing, A_Long_ways?

You do set that bar very high! Nothing wrong with that. I get the feeling, from your impassioned posts, you want to hit that bar "right now!" Perhaps breaking up the destination into steps instead of leaps may allow you to feel a little less restless and fed up with the world as it is in the "now." With a tempered enthusiasm you could be a leader, you know of the great things to attain. The power of persuasion is more powerful than the "push!" Your world-view seems to eliminate others that are "conformists," yet they are the ones you could influence, in a pleasant manner.

The first one you could start with is yourself. You are not powerless, as you seem to portray in you posts. Being disillusioned with yourself weakens and slows your progress to "make a difference" before your time is up. You are young, in the scheme of things. Give yourself credit for what knowledge you have gained while still in your twenties. Give yourself the space you need to have comfort in knowing you do have time to achieve your goals. Give yourself some inner peace, and outer space so your mind and soul can thrive and be well. Give to yourself so you may give to others the view of a way to a better world, if even one person at a time.

Passion is a motivator, it can also be self-consuming to the point of wearing oneself out; becoming cynical and a skeptic. We need young people like you. Keep yourself well. Rest well, it brings renewal. Your restless mind needs its freedom to wander. This is long, however the need in me had to let you know your are needed and highly regarded. Take care cuz we care. Peace to you in your travels.