[Tamale]

I haven't been on this forum in a few months. The reason I started coming was to find people who understood how I felt, because the people in my life sometimes have a hard time understanding depression and anxiety.

I stopped coming to the forum because I saw how many, many people have been on here for years and years and some have seen improvement while others haven't. People were going up and down on so many medications with mixed results. It was too exhausting to think that, at age 23, I have the rest of my life to be 'depressed' no matter what I do. It was like receiving a life sentence that I was helpless to do anything about.

I have started seeing a therapist, and on the first day he said to me
"If I told you that I could take away all your problems and bad feelings by stabbing you in the palm with a knitting needle-would you let me?"
My immediate response-without even thinking-"YES!" It surprised me, but the response was automatic. It came from my gut. I knew that slowly but surely, I will be willing to do what it takes to feel better and STAY better. I know that my response would not always have been that automatic. I know that tomorrow, I may not feel like letting him 'stab my hand' and I know that many people on this forum are not at a point where they can confidently say "YES!" We all have to get to this point on our own, and I respect and personally empathize if you are still in your bed, hugging your pillow, because I have been there and I will be there again. But...

Also during this session, I had someone (my T) tell me for the first time (ever) in my life, "You have a real reason to be sad. No wonder you hit rock bottom." No one had ever given me permission to be sad or mad or depressed about my life. People had always tried to convince me that my life was good, or I had so much to be thankful for that I couldn't possibly want to harm myself or end my life. This added to the guilt and depression. I blamed my sadness on myself. "It's my problem, it's my screwed up serotonin receptors or whatever, something is wrong with ME. I need medication/therapy in order to deal with my life." Suddenly, I was given permission to say something different-that my life hasn't been fun for the past 4.5 years, that I hadn't grown up in a home that accepted me for who I was, that I had experienced things that brought me real, deep sadness.

It was like turning the knob of a door you thought was locked, but realizing it had been open all along. And what does it mean? It means that I am going to change my life. I am sad because my life sucks, not because I suck, I can change myself and improve myself but I don't inherently suck. I am going to quit one of my jobs and spend the next few months preparing to quit my other one. I am going to say "no", I am going to exhume the painful memories of my childhood and lay them back to rest after I understand them, I am going to accept that my parents and I are never going to have the "right" kind of relationship and I am going to learn to be myself around them. It is going to take me a while to do this, but wouldn't you rather spend the rest of your life looking up?

This article changed my life, and can explain better what I'm trying to say,

http://www.violentacres.com/archives...y-good-reason/

If you don't want to read it, I'll sum it up for you:

“I learned that I wasn’t sad because there was something wrong with my brain. I learned that I was sad because my life sucked.”

There are plenty of horrible things in our lives that we can do nothing about. We have to learn to see those things as a passing train, over time, after we have given them proper mourning time and been sad for them. But there are also plenty of things that we can change, but often we don't see that as an option.

I have a feeling there are a lot of lovely people here, young and old, who have been convinced by themselves, their friends and family, their doctors, their professors, their bosses that they are the ones who have the problem that needs fixing. Sometimes we are the ones with the problem, and we need to address that. But sometimes we are sad because our life sucks, but LIVES CAN CHANGE.

I leave you with hugs.

[Lisa Michelle]

Thanks for sharing your story with us. It's lovely to see someone with motivation, really wanting to fight this and willing to do what it takes to be better... I think with that attitude you can really do it.
I think motivation is a really powerful thing and you seem to have it.

I know what you mean about worrying that "this is it" for the rest of your life. I've had those feelings too. I'm 24 and feeling it a bit right now, but I think everything passes, and hope this will too... just sooner rather than later. I think it just takes a hell of a lot of work and the right kind of support.
I think I'm sad because my life sucks at the moment, but I've still suffered in the past when my life was ok so... I'm not sure, but it's something to think about I suppose.

Good luck in your recovery.

[perpetuallysad]

You are right, a lot of us have had hard lives that have created circumstances and situations that contribute to our problems. I hope that your revelation is something that actually does help you.

However, I think that it would be wrong to dismiss the fact that mental illness is a real thing, regardless of cause and its not always possible to just "change things" to make everything all better. Many of us DO need medication and therapy and that's alright. We aren't weak, we aren't letting the people around us just convince us we have a problem and force us to remain mentally ill. Situational changes do often have a positive effect on a person, but situational changes aren't going to change the fact that I am bipolar. Or that someone else has DID. Wanting a new and happy life is wonderful, but not being able to just change our lives into this happy thing isn't something we should feel like we are a failure if we cannot do.

Like I said, I wish you luck and I hope this revelation makes you happy and things work out well. But your solution isn't a blanket solution and I would hate for people to have yet another reason to feel like they failed because they cannot just "change" their sucky life and magically become happy.

Tamale, I wish you the best.

[palmdalegirl]

Originally Posted by perpetuallysad

You are right, a lot of us have had hard lives that have created circumstances and situations that contribute to our problems. I hope that your revelation is something that actually does help you.

However, I think that it would be wrong to dismiss the fact that mental illness is a real thing, regardless of cause and its not always possible to just "change things" to make everything all better. Many of us DO need medication and therapy and that's alright. We aren't weak, we aren't letting the people around us just convince us we have a problem and force us to remain mentally ill. Situational changes do often have a positive effect on a person, but situational changes aren't going to change the fact that I am bipolar. Or that someone else has DID. Wanting a new and happy life is wonderful, but not being able to just change our lives into this happy thing isn't something we should feel like we are a failure if we cannot do.

Like I said, I wish you luck and I hope this revelation makes you happy and things work out well. But your solution isn't a blanket solution and I would hate for people to have yet another reason to feel like they failed because they cannot just "change" their sucky life and magically become happy.

I agree with you....every word of it.

[Tamale]

I knew that some people would take this the wrong way, and think that I was calling others weak or a failure or that I was discounting mental illness. You misunderstand. That's why I almost didn't post, and why I added phrases like:

"There are plenty of horrible things in our lives that we can do nothing about."

and

"I respect and personally empathize if you are still in your bed, hugging your pillow, because I have been there and I will be there again."

I was there again last night, almost went to the hospital, so obviously I'm not saying that life changes and being honest with yourself is a blanket solution or is magic. It's still a daily struggle. Excerpts from the article I posted explain more, even though I don't 100% agree with everything she says in the whole article:

"It’s always the serotonin. It’s never the lousy job or the loveless marriage or the helplessness one feels when they finally realize they’ve been pressured into living a life they would have never chosen for themselves. No, it’s never that. It’s always a broken brain.
Now please don’t misunderstand me here. I am not trying to lambaste psychiatric treatment nor am I denying the existence of real, valid, medically proven mental disabilities. I realize there are people out there who downright suffer from hallucinations, irrational fears and compulsions, and crippling life debilitating illnesses that wreak havoc on their lives if left untreated. I do not fault these people for taking the drugs they need to feel better. In fact, I applaud them."

I am one of those people that the author says "downright suffer" from irrational compulsions, etc. I also happened to agree with her observation that sometimes societal norms aren't set up for what makes us happy individually and we have to recognize that and find our own way, which is hard to do. Or that sometimes a change in world view can do wonders when combined with medical treatment.
Maybe it was just a personal revelation to a personal problem I never should have shared. At any rate, I just decided to take advantage of the fact that I was having a good day and post something from my heart instead of waiting until I feel like I feel today and have less-than-happy things to say/feel.

Sorry guys, didn't mean to make anyone feel bad.

[perpetuallysad]

Aw Tamale! I didn't mean to "fuss" at you so much as to just point out for other people who read what you wrote that there were other reasons for feeling down. I understand what you were saying and I did notice where you made a point to say its not everyone, but I guess I just felt I should reiterate that for others (as well as myself) that its ok to just be screwed up! Ok, that's not exactly what I meant, but I didn't want people to feel like they were bad for not being able to make their lives better.

I hope you are alright.