[Lacer Vita]

I don't really feel anything right now. But... I sort of would like to. I think that's why I came wandering around here, again.

What's funny is that... I still think I can kick this on my own.
In my head, anyway. In my heart it doesn't feel like I can...
or that I can not. It doesn't really seem to matter.

I feel like I am distracting me from myself.
Now why would I feel that, I wonder?

[englishteacher]

Depression feels that way to me too sometimes. I have a tendency to hide from the world when I feel that nothingness. I find something that can distract me (video game, TV, book) and I'm gone...turn brain off and focus what's left on the distraction. Sometimes, that's just what I need - a break. But sometimes that break becomes all I think about and then I cease to function.

Either way, feeling nothing is sometimes worse than feeling the pain of depression. I'm sorry that you are suffering this. If you want to talk more, I'll listen.

Lacer Vita, are you receiving professional help?

[Lacer Vita]

Englishteacher, I know just what you mean, there. I, too, distract myself to the point where the distraction is all I think about.

I'm not so far gone that I can't pull myself "out of it" a little, to get through the few hours I am at school each day...
That is, I can actually go. And I feel a bit better being there. Even if I don't feel well enough to talk to anyone, and rather hope no one sees me, and ... oh, well, maybe I don't do as well there as I think I do. But at least, while I'm there, I'm not completely zoned out.

TheByzantine...
I'm not.
I should be.
But I feel guilty diverting household funds to paying for medication - which they always tell me I need. I've been diagnosed with a chronic mood disorder - and from time to time, major depression. So I guess that would put me in a double depression right now. As well as AD/HD, but that's another story.
I just... can't see being on meds the rest of my life.

I can't see living like this the rest of it, either.
Why can't I just wake up?

[lxegirl]

i feel like that too most of the time. maybe you don't like yourself very much. That's what it is with me. I started keeping a gratitude journal, you write good things about your day, or stuff you notice, and eventually get to writing good things about yourself. I've only been doing it for 2 days now, but i think you should try it because it seems to be going ok for me. Good luck!

Hi lacer viter--ooooh to be comfortably numb--my favorite state, but they won't give me the meds to do it with. Nasty ole doctors.

I saw a shrink the other day who asked me if I ever was just constantly happy all the time for no reason? I laughed and replied--you got the pill???--he shrugged--
and me sittin there with my hopes all up--creep. (((((Lacer Viter)))))-theo

[englishteacher]

Lacer - I understand what you are saying about the expense of meds AND not wanting to be on meds for the rest of your life. However, aren't you worth it? I've fought taking my meds for years...and the result always sucks. I get depressed and suicidal and can't remember why I would be any other way. I just came off a two year binge of no meds...and the relief I feel is palpable with the meds. It may seem impossible to manage or difficult at best to get back on meds, but I bet you'd feel better and really, aren't you worth it? I think you are!