[Chronic]

This is a question I have been asking myself for a long time now, and still havent come up with an answer. I hate myself, I have nothing to live for, no-one to live for, no friends, no life. If I died tomorrow no one would notice. No one would care. Living in so much pain is unbearable most of the time. I SI a lot. I do anything I can to stop feeling the pain. I dont want to be alive. But I havent done anything permanent about it. Why not? I'm not scared of death- if anything living is more painful. I really cant find an answer to this.

Does you ever ask yourself the same question? Do you have answer for yourself?

Hi there,

I'm sorry you've been feeling so down lately! Hugs, if you want them.

Yes Chronic, I have asked myself these questions before, pondering why I haven't taken suicidal action. And I think that the answer might be that even though I was feeling so horrible, so insignificant and so not enjoying life...I wanted help to fix it. And when I did get that help (for me, it was a long hospital stay), I was grateful to myself for not having attempted suicide.

Have you been seeing a therapist? Are you taking any medication? And also (although you definitely don't have to do this, it's just beneficial for some, like myself) have you considered a stay in a mental hospital? Do you have family that understands what you're going through?

Suicide is not the answer to one's problems, and a part of you knows this too, since you have made this post. If you ever want to chat, feel free to pm me. Please keep us updated on how you're doing!

[turquoisesea]

Hey there, I'm also really sorry you're feeling this way.

You'll have to excuse me, as I don't know you very well but do you have a therapist/Pdoc? Just making sure =)

In answer to your question, I think it's because there's something about life we're all addicted to, there's something about life that draws us to it. Perhaps you feel some hope deep down inside that things can get better. If given a choice, would you chose a happy life, or nonexistence? Don't say "I can't have a happy life" - just for a moment pretend you're given a wish from a genie, which would you wish for? Personally, it would definitely be the happy life...

(and ps, I think there IS a possibility of a happy life for you - it won't be as easy getting there as if a genie in a bottle gave it to you, but it's possible. Hold onto that)

!---- trigger -----!
I guess I've never asked myself the question but about a year and a half ago I was more toward the suicidal side - I had ideations - and can relate.
!!!!--- end trigger---!

I agree with the ohhseedee, that suicide is NOT the answer, and to try to get help.

[justme41]

It sucks to feel that way. I get it.
the hope is that it will get better so that's why I keep holding on, also the glimpses of happiness.
I wish I had the answers, but I don't. Hope you find them.
Keep searchin Chronic. If/when i figure it out I'll let you know.
I keep thinkin if I can figure this depression sh...t out I can keep others from feelin this way, esp. my daughter. I don't ever want her to deal with this. I have to figure it out for her. That's what keeps me goin.
If you don't have that, someone to take care of, try to do it for yourself. I know easier said than done.
Take care!

[ECHOES]

It sounds like you are feeling alone with your pain, your SI and thoughts of not being able to imagine going on. Do you have a psychotherapist to help you with these thoughts and to help you to have your life feel much better to you? What you learn you could pass on to your daughter through your loving and caring words and actions.

[Chronic]

ohseedee, turquoisesea- yes I have a T (2 years), its complicated but I dont talk about this so much with him. He knows I cut, and often think of sui, but I cant let him in any more than that. I was taking Citalopram for 18 months but it stopped working, changed to Prozac and I didnt notice any change, so Im off meds althogther now. GP doesnt want to know. She doesnt think Ive got a problem! So there's no chance of me getting in to hospital, and I cant afford to go private

Perhaps you feel some hope deep down inside that things can get better. If given a choice, would you chose a happy life, or nonexistence? Don't say "I can't have a happy life" - just for a moment pretend you're given a wish from a genie, which would you wish for? Personally, it would definitely be the happy life...

Turquoisesea- I honestly think, at this moment, that I would pick nonexistence. I dont think I want a happy life.

T is on hols for 2 weeks, so I cant talk to him. I have phoned the Samaritans, but I want T

It sounds like you are feeling alone with your pain, your SI and thoughts of not being able to imagine going on.

Echoes, yes very alone. No one knows whats going on, even T. I should be used to dealing with things on my own- Ive done it my whole life- but its getting intolerable

Thanks everyone for your support and kind words, I really appreciate it

[Rohag]

***Trigger***

Hi, Chronic!

Originally Posted by Chronic

What stops me from actually doing it?

I believe this is an exceptionally important question worthy of serious investigation. I wouldn't be surprised to find the professional community has considered it.

Personally, I don't know, but I speculate the answer may be related to what Turquoisesea called "addiction to life." However understood, people in general have a survival instinct. Depression may weaken that instinct but apparently does not eliminate it.

I recognize I have an impaired will to live. With that, I have decided to oppose my urge to self-destruction. Death will get me eventually; for a variety of reasons I intend not to be the direct cause of my own demise.

Yes, it looks OK in print; it's not so easy in life.

A lot of times that survival instinct is just plain stronger than the death wish. I'm like Rohag. TRIGGER I don't have any intention of bringing it about, but I do feel at present that I want it.

And I do relate to thinking people wouldn't care or miss me, although logically that isn't true.

By the way, Chronic, I like your signature. It is deep, and accurate.

[thine_self_untrue]

I've asked this question many, many, many times.
The first reason is my family and my friends. Even though we're really not all that close (my fault) I know they would be devastated if I left. I hide so much from them, but I know that they love me and would miss me. I really don't want to inflict that kind of pain on anyone else in order to 'escape' from my own.
The second reason is I cannot believe that death is nothing. I do not want a new life. I want to not exsist. It's been drilled into me my entire life that there is an afterlife, and I just can't shake it.
In the long run, I'm going to die soon enough as it is. If death is better, great. If not, at least I had some time before then.
The third is I know that I won't feel so bad forever and to do something so permanent and serious when I'm not feeling well is a bad idea. When I'm at my worst, I tell myself "Wait a day/week/month/year. What do I have to lose by giving it a little time?"
You're in my thoughts, Chronic. Hang in there.

[Lisa Michelle]

Chronic I'm sorry to hear you're feeling so low - I can definitely relate to a lot of what you said. I think perhaps you would benefit from an antidepressant? I read you say you're not taking any right now. It's worth trying, right? It might lift your mood, if only a little.
I'm also in that process. Well I'm taking mirtazipine (sp) but it's not working, the opposite I think, so I'm going to ask to try another.
Sorry got to cut this short. Hope you feel better x

[turquoisesea]

Chronic, I don't know who prescribes your meds but it sounds like you might need to be on something - I know meds can stop working but trying to find something else might be a good thing right now. Who was prescribing your meds before, your GP?

As far as your T - is it possible to print out your first post and bring that in as discussion? Maybe he could shed some light on how it relates to your current situation - I understand if you can't though , I'm historically HORRIBLE at sharing things with T's!

I also think you shouldn't have to deal with this alone, no one should. Just because you've done it a bunch of your life doesn't meant that can't change. I'd say to reach out to your T as much as possible, and to keep posting here, because lots of people here are very supportive and have good ideas

Wishing you a good day, keep us updated =)

[Chronic]

Thanks so much everyone. I think I do need to take this to T, but there's so many other things going on at the same time that I never know what to bring up! Just knowing that other are out there and have felt/thought the same thing makes me feel a little better and not so alone.

Chronic, have you told the people treating you the treatment is not working? Copy this thread and show it to your therapist. Make some noise. Get their attention. You need help and you are not getting it.

All this negative crapola you talk about is your illness talking. Use that mind of yours to find ways to make your treatment work. Focus on what you can do rather than doing the woe is me bit.

Good luck. Keep posting so we know how you are doing.

[Chronic]

All this negative crapola you talk about is your illness talking. Use that mind of yours to find ways to make your treatment work. Focus on what you can do rather than doing the woe is me bit.

Thebyz- with all due respect you dont know me or my situation- if only things were that easy that I could stop "all this negative crapola". Thats why Im in therapy. I am doing the best I can. I dont WANT to feel like this. I thought that was what this forum was for- to share our experiences, whether they be good or bad, and to support others. Apologies I cant provide you with something other than "woe is me", but thats how I am feeling right now

[Hate My Life]

I feel pretty much the same way, so just by not feeling I'm the only one I'm feeling a little better right now. Still, as soon as I walk away from the keyboard ... darkness descends. I'm new to this forum. What does SI stand for?

SI--suicidal ideation

[leacon]

SI can also mean self injury depends on the context

[Ygrec23]

Originally Posted by Chronic

This is a question I have been asking myself for a long time now, and still havent come up with an answer. I hate myself, I have nothing to live for, no-one to live for, no friends, no life. If I died tomorrow no one would notice. No one would care. Living in so much pain is unbearable most of the time. I SI a lot. I do anything I can to stop feeling the pain. I dont want to be alive. But I havent done anything permanent about it. Why not? I'm not scared of death- if anything living is more painful. I really cant find an answer to this.

Does you ever ask yourself the same question? Do you have answer for yourself?

Sure, I ask myself the same question, but my circumstances may be different from yours. First thing, how old are you? When you tell me that in your next post, I'll take it from there. Promise.

Take care,
Ygrec23

[Vibe]

(Note - This might have triggers in it. I'm still figuring out where to put the warnings.)

I've been struggling with suicidal thoughts for years, and there are several methods I use when things get bad to keep myself going. However, I think what it really boils down to is stubbornness and the fact that I don't really want to die. I tend to get these thoughts when I feel trapped in a bad situation, so what I really want isn't death but for the situation to change. When I feel calm enough, I try to analyze what's wrong with the situation and come up with a healthier plan for change.

As for specific things I think to keep myself going:
1. I don't want my mother to cry. Although it's easy to feel alone and unloved, there usually is someone who would be very upset if you weren't around. I can't stand the thought of someone I love hurting so much.

2. 'This is just a moment. It will pass.' Change is the only constant in life. If I'm in a place where I'm not strong enough to effect that change, then I just hang on and wait for things to get better, or to get in a position where I can help myself.

3. I get hung up on the idea of it hurting, and uncertainty about life after death. My default in bad situations is inaction, and this actually helps me hang on.

4. I try to catch myself entering this mindset before it gets too deep. If I can, I do my best to distract myself and avoid the thoughts in the first place. Sometimes I can derail thoughts of suicide before they get too strong.

5. Finally, oddly enough, I'm afraid I'll miss something wonderful if I go now. It's a personal hang-up, I think; but it actually turns out to be very true a lot of the time. If I had given into these thoughts years back, I would have missed some of my best moments. I felt completely alone back then but so did someone else, and if I had left this world we never would have found each other. Bad philosophy can sometimes depress you, but the flip-side is good philosophy which can help keep you going.

I can give you more if you want them, or talk about anything specific if you think it would help? I really hope you start doing better soon.

[Paraquat]

Hey Chronic. I'm sorry I can't say anything helpful or meaningful, but I can fully empathise with your situation. Part of the problem (for me, anyway) is the feeling that there's nothing that saying anything to anybody else can do to fix it. There's nothing worse than feeling alone, but not knowing what to say to friends or family because there's not way they could know what's going on, let alone do anything to help.

My problem has always been low self esteem, and it is sabotaging me every day. The last time I felt this low, I couldn't find a job, and now that I have work (of sorts, I'm a PhD student) I feel like I'm one step from failure. I tried to kill myself once when I was 21, and I still feel guilty that I'm too much of a coward to finish the job, if you can believe that. If I try again, I'm fairly sure that I'll have to do it properly because I don't think I could recover from another failure.

Anyway, sorry for hijacking your thread there, just wanted to say I sort of understand what you're going through; I don't know what's stopping me from doing it either.

Take care.

[sdcg76]

Originally Posted by Chronic

This is a question I have been asking myself for a long time now, and still havent come up with an answer. I hate myself, I have nothing to live for, no-one to live for, no friends, no life. If I died tomorrow no one would notice. No one would care. Living in so much pain is unbearable most of the time. I SI a lot. I do anything I can to stop feeling the pain. I dont want to be alive. But I havent done anything permanent about it. Why not? I'm not scared of death- if anything living is more painful. I really cant find an answer to this.

Does you ever ask yourself the same question? Do you have answer for yourself?

I've been asking myself this question alot lately especially today, actually thought about doing it on this coming Mother's Day since my 14 yr old tells me practically everyday that he doesn't need me and he can live on his own...and besides him I have no friends or family either...I've even thought of giving myself a mock funeral just to see if anybody would show up...having said that I answer that question with I do see somewhat of a light at the end of this crappy tunnel of my 'life' right now, you just have to find and hold on to something, anything, if only you, to keep pulling you towards that light...I know that's soo easier than done and a HUGE struggle but you're still here right...that's a good thing and you obviously have a stronger will to be here or you'd be gone...something is definately keeping you going! I have thoughts but haven't acted on them, I tried twice but found the willpower somewhere...we're all stronger than we think and give ourselves credit for!!

[Mike_J]

I ask myself that question all the time.

The answer there is only one that I have come up with that makes any sense

If I don't do it now, I can always do it later, but once I do it there is no taking it back.

And as bad as I often feel things are, they usually get better (never all the way up to good, just not so bad) in a few days

Is that Hope, what do you think Katileena? (assuming you read this)

[bluegirl...?]

Chronic,
on this whole thing, there have been so many answers on here to your question that can all be right. if youre not actually completing suicide, it could be for that there is an addiction we have for life, or maybe because you think itll get better. we're all right in some way here.

my own answer to this.. i think sometimes that maybe living is believing. believing it can be better, believing in a future that looks like perfection, believing that all our pain could end if we just hold out on suicide. then, i also believe that suicide IS permanent. you cant take it back and you'll never know what could've happened.

i also think that deep inside we're always hoping fot a some kind of chance at something better. we just dont like the lives we're living at the time and we dont really want* to die, and we'd all love to live --just a different life. we want to die to hopefully change it, to make it alll different... but, then, whats really going to be different? nothing will really be okay for you again because you'll be gone from this world, which is why i think we stop ourselves from swallowing a few more pills, or making the cut a little deeper, or pulling the trigger a little closer to yor heart. we know it cant get better if we're dead.

you may believe no one cares or that no one will notice, but thats not true; death can bring out stuff in people. if someone you know dies from suicide, it changes what you think about them. could one more I Love You have changed it all? would've giving a hug ease their pain? even people who you think hate you, will/ can still feel bad and regret and wish it didnt happen.

so, from all of our answers, take what you want; either way, we all feel for you and we do* everything to be okay. and we're always a PM away.
>>Dnni(:

[darkpurplesecrets]

((((Chronic))))

Sorry I have not seen this thread before now, but then maybe there is a reason for this. I have been fighting a feeling of being no more, more than anyone knows. I had a plan, a reason, and a date. This was all to come about this weekend. I felt in order for me to live, I needed to be gone. It would take me to free that within me that was trapped deep within that could not get free.

I know that I do not know your situation, as does not many know mine. But the fact is that I knew it was time by something within myself. I could not fine any relief or any other way out. Things were a constant and the abuse had still not stopped. It was the ultimate both to myself and to those that thought they had control.

I was keeping this quiet not to tell anyone. I even had one more post written to post and had the time set when no one was around. My t is gone on vacation, my friend was not going to be around for a few days, my case manager was going to be gone, and I knew that no one that cared would be around to step in.

Something inside me did not want out, not really. We had fought much too long to let them win at this point. They had to be stopped within myself and somehow I had to pull that strength from within. With every ounce of strength I could find I had to somehow fight and open up and tell because I could not do this myself.

For hours I fought and fought, but finally I was able to fine that little piece of hope to keep going. Right this moment I no longer want to let go. So I know what you are feeling, I know that feeling of constant pain from life itself. It is hard and it takes so much out of you to each day get up and face what you have to face. Many times not knowing how or if it is even worth it.

I am really sorry that you feel this way. My heart can hear you and somehow I connect where you are. But truth is you are worth it. Somewhere you have some part of you that wants to go on, for you reached out and you posted. You connected here and we do care.

I think copying this and letting your t know how you feel would be a great thing for you to do. If you cannot tell them then let this speak for you, for it speaks volumes. You have a right to live and a right to be heard. Know that we do hear you and we are listening. You have people that care now.

Please take care of you and remember to breath. You say you have no friends but I will be your friend and I reach out my hand for you to take hold of if you want. I do understand more than you know. It took a lot of courage to reach out but you did. I am glad.

Sending you gentle hugs and loving thoughts. Always.

dps

[SophiaG]

I do not follow through with it because I am terrified of the unknown. I do not know what is after life. Nothing. I have never experienced nothing before. Sure I've gone to sleep before for the night but I've never NOT woken up from my sleep (which is nonexistence). That is a completely new sensation and because of that I fear the unknown.

It is better to feel pain, then to never feel anything ever again.