[Elana05]

I went to the doctor to try to figure out what could be wrong with me. I am having a hard time remembering what it's like to not be tired all the time. I feel dejected tonight. Eight blood tests later reveal that they can't find anything. So I guess it must be due to the depression and not anything else, which makes sense I know. Often it still just blows my mind that this is all so physical...
I took a walk this morning. I wanted that to help. I wanted it to perk me up and allow me to get going today; to clean the house, to start preparing an area for painting etc. But I just kicked around all day. I spent too much time staring at the computer, I know. I just feel like I am going on 72 years old - my body hurts.
I want to feel able and at ease. I want to not feel so anxious about the future. I wish that life didn't feel like climbing this long, steep hill everyday.

[Rohag]

Originally Posted by Elana05

I am having a hard time remembering what it's like to not be tired all the time. ... I want to feel able and at ease.

Exactly. To feel able. To know my fatigue means I accomplished something or displayed some competence. Sometimes, when I remember, I miss the former me.

I'm with you guys--it'd be so good to know i accomplished a hard days work and put my head to pillow and pass out from sheer exhaustion------

Guess, for now, it just is what it has to be...ugh--I send you both empathy Hugs

[Elana05]

It's ironic because dealing with depression and anxiety is so tiring. I am unemployed now and I have to admit that I really did not like my last couple of jobs. They were in retail, and I very much dislike retail work. But I must say that a day on one's feet in retail is exhausting. I used to flop into bed and think, "well, at least I arranged that display today," or "at least I helped that man pick out a tie," etc. As unhappy as it made me I still felt some sense of accomplishment. It's so odd. Because now I could work very hard all day to clean the house - or tackle several chores or errands all while dealing with this moderate depression - or go to therapy which is exhausting - and I still never feel like I accomplished enough at the end of the day. I wonder if it has to do with this overarching "work ethic" that we have in this modern life. It's kind of like if it's not a certain kind of work it doesn't count as important.

And getting better is very labor intensive too. No matter how diligent we are, recovering from a mental illness will always be a work in process.

May we find the strength, perseverance and love of self to creep along if we cannot plod or walk.

[turquoisesea]

I'm sorry you're hurting so much, it makes things so much harder. Keep trying to take those walks, I've heard and experienced that 20 minutes of cardio exercise can help

[carrie-19]

Hi elana I'm sorry your feeling this way *hug*
I know how it feels to be so exhausted all the time. I had huge problems with energy levels and sleep. I don't know how many blood tests I had and they still never found anything wrong. I'm guessing now it was connected with the severe depression and meds. When I still had this low feeling and meds weren't doing anything , they took me off Prozac to see what would happen. Since I've been off ive been up and down but my energy levels have changed so so much. Maybe if your on meds to look at that?
Hope you feel better soon

[justfloating]

I know how you feel. When my depression kicks in, my energy levels plummet to the point where just making a meal for myself is exhausting. It's good that you took a walk. Consider that an accomplishment in itself! I find what helps for me is to make a list of the things I have to do -- or to pick one thing and divide it into smaller tasks -- and as I work I get a real sense of satisfaction by physically crossing the items off. I dunno, there's something about seeing it on paper that makes me feel accomplished. Maybe you could try something like that?

[Elana05]

hi justfloating,
Funny I actually just did this. I have the list here that I have crossed stuff off of. Still, it never feels like enough, you know? I think to myself "if it took this much energy to get to the gorcery store to return the expired soup I bought - and pick up five grocery items... how the h*ck am I ever going to get back to work?" Little things set me off too. Like I noticed they were spraying down a lawn with pesticides and I felt so bad for the birds and the little animals. I remembered how I just heard this program about how all of the bees are dying because of pesticides. It's like a feeling of being beat at life (or maybe modern life). I'm going to try to at least get out to walk and do some art - that usually helps...