[HarlequinJester]

I'm actually making a list of Why To Live and Why To Die.

I am sick of everything. I'm sick of trusting people and having them turn on me. I trusted my best friend and look where that got me? She told me to shut up when I confided in her because I was upset. Now, she's attempting to turn MY friends against me for no reason at all except that she is completely messed up and insane.

I thought I could trust her. I thought she cared. All she did was tell me to "Shut up.". I sent her two text messages because my mom was screaming at me and my brother was yelling at me.. and he has problems, so I was terrified. All I get is "Shut up."

She told me to stop dumping **** on her. Yeah, thats right. That's why I know far more about you than you know about me. That's because YOU tell me every little thing that happens to you and expect me to weep for you.

My family is messed up. My dad's always angry. My mom always makes fun of me and laughs at me when I cry. My brother- well, I don't even know anymore. Outside my immediate family is even worse.

I've wanted to end it since my nana died. The only person who I loved and was equally loved back by. God, I miss her so much. I want to be with her. I want to hug her and laugh with her and hear her stories.

I am contemplating ending it. I am never happy. I am always depressed and constantly feel down about myself so this is even worse. I don't want to die. I think about how upset my nana would be watching over me that I would do that. I know my family would at least care, but why can't they show that when I'm living? I think it would be funny to see my best friend when she finds out I did or at least tried when she just told me to "Shut up." about my problems when I barely ever talk about them.

Sometimes I wonder what I ever did to have nobody there for me in the world.. I don't want to be selfish. I don't want pity. I just want someone to sit there and listen to me and not say a word. Sometimes, I just need to vent and let it out. My life will be destroyed by the time Spring Break is over so what does it matter anyways?

But.. I still hang on.. even if it seems pointless because of my nana.

[Rohag]

Hi, HarlequinJester! Your Nana sounds wonderful.

Originally Posted by HarlequinJester

I just want someone to sit there and listen to me and not say a word.

Speak. We are listening.

[NuckingFutz]

Sounds like you can use a place like this right about now. Can you tell us a little more about what got you upset before you tried to talk with your friend about? Keep posting.

So what is the plan, HarlequinJester? Are you going to play the buffoon until you find a way to put some meaning in your life? Why are you not seeing a psychiatrist and a therapist for this maudlin melancholy that haunts you. When are you going to take responsibility for your life?

[Lisa Michelle]

You are so brave to hold on for your Nana, I don't know her of course but I'm sure she would feel so relieved by that, and proud of you. It takes a lot of strength to go through depression. But you CAN come out the other side.
A lot is going on right now with you, but that will all pass.

I had problems with my best friend when I was 20. She, after 13 years, just stopped talking to me. I know the pain of being let down by a friend, it's heart breaking.
But remember - your friend is actually not worth your heart ache. For someone, anyone, to say "shut up" when you are upset, it's nasty, spiteful and uncaring. Even if she were a stranger it would still be rude. So to come from your best friend, it's vile.
Maybe she made a mistake. Maybe she hasn't grown up enough yet to know how to 'deal' with people when they're upset. BUt you really don't need that. Or deserve it.

What's happening after or during spring break that you feel will destroy your life?
Everything is temporary. You can get through this. I'm glad you're here with us! Keep sharing x

[HarlequinJester]

And my parents don't notice or want to care. They can be really immature. If I tell them I'm feeling depressed or something they'll call me stupid and my mom would probably just laugh and call me "emo" if I told her anything.

And I've been like this for years now. It's just happening to be worst lately.

And my friend has issues similar to mine but she's going to try to get people to hate me or something. Like, today she was telling my friend I was yelling at her when I wasn't even texting her or anything.

See, all my friends are the same. They only care about themselves while I'll wait and listen to them for hours to make sure they're okay if they're upset. I can't talk to my family. I'm not going to talk to some guidance counselor because I don't want to face people with these things.

[Catherine2]

Originally Posted by HarlequinJester

And I've been like this for years now. It's just happening to be worst lately.

See, all my friends are the same. They only care about themselves while I'll wait and listen to them for hours to make sure they're okay if they're upset. I can't talk to my family. I'm not going to talk to some guidance counselor because I don't want to face people with these things.

HarlequinJester.
It sounds like you have a lot going on right now...I'm glad you posted about it and hope you continue to let us know how you are doing.

If it's getting worse, it's jmo but perhaps you need to step back and look at what needs to be changed...
A good guidance counselor can help you to sort these things out. I understand your reluctance, but if you expect life to be better...you are going to have to take a deep breath and do what you need to do.

Re your "friend?"
Find new ones. Or at least stop letting them take advantage of you. Listening to them to make sure they are all right can be good, but it is a two-way street.
You have every right to be treated with respect...but first you have to respect yourself. Jmo, but what you are describing is not friendship. Don't allow them to drain you emotionally.

And...you are not their dumping ground for their problems.
Always being the one to listen, listen, listen is not healthy for you. HarlequinJester, invest more of your energy into what is going to give you a measure of peace.

Taking baby steps is still forward movement...that first one is hard but taking care of you and not others is of paramount importance.

In Peace

[feary]

You are SO young, you have your WHOLE life ahead of you filled with so many possibilities. You don't want to miss out on the beautiful things coming your way.

This is only a dark phase in your life right now only making you a stronger, remarkable person for the future.

Just wait it out until you are in your 90s and then see what how you feel about it then

Go and do things you really enjoy, treat yourself well, take care of yourself, pamper and nurture yourself. Have fun.

All the best to you.

Originally Posted by HarlequinJester

And my parents don't notice or want to care. They can be really immature. If I tell them I'm feeling depressed or something they'll call me stupid and my mom would probably just laugh and call me "emo" if I told her anything.

I'm sorry you don't get any support from your parents. Even though they should be there for you, sometimes it just doesn't work out like that. Not everyone gets the parents they deserve unfortunately.

Originally Posted by HarlequinJester

See, all my friends are the same. They only care about themselves while I'll wait and listen to them for hours to make sure they're okay if they're upset.

My school friends were like that. Luckily, when I went to Uni, I made new friends who were there for me (and still are) when I need them. It still feels strange 4yrs on because I'd always been the one to give give give and never had friends who gave back. Once I made better friends, and realised what I'd been missing out on all those years!, I dumped my old friends. They're just no good for me and I realised I don't need them in my life any more. You will make new friends who will be there for you, give it time.

Originally Posted by HarlequinJester

I'm not going to talk to some guidance counselor because I don't want to face people with these things.

I hear you! I was never going to talk to a counsellor. Sitting in a room with a complete stranger telling them intimate things about my life - no thanks!! Until, it suddenly seemed like a good idea. I wasn't thrilled about needing to at first, but there is something AMAZING about sitting in a room and being truly listened to, even if it is only for an hour a week. Your family isn't there for you, your friends are making things worse for you - I really think counselling may help. It's not a sign of weakness, rather can help you find the internal strength you already possess to deal with your situation.

Sui is not the answer, no matter how tempting it may seem at times (and believe me I know how tempting it can be at times). You are young and things will most likely pick up soon.

Take care,

*Willow*

hi-how are you doing today?--any better? theo

[HarlequinJester]

Good. Nothing new. Fighting in my house but I can deal with that. Things are looking better, I suppose.

you sound much better--glad to hear you're handling it all--I'm a nana, as was my mom, her mom, and her mom's mom--Nana's with you all the time, she's helping you, and guiding you. She will lead you to your greatest good. My nana died before i was born-but i had a grandpa who loved me like that--i know he is with me always.

She was a magical person, wasn't she? Loving you as she did--she still does, love like that ne'er dies.......wishing you new friends, and true joy--hugs-theo