Sadness turning to anger

feddy · Apr 25, 2010, 05:57 PM

I have reached a turning point in my therapy where my depression is starting to turn to anger. I am starting to become more and more aware of the things that have brought me to where I am, over the course of the last several years. I am lucky to be working at last, with a good pdoc who has really connected with me and is gently helping me to surface a lot of these things. His approach is subtle - he tells me stories and leaves me with little nuggets to chew on that I take away with me at the end of our sessions. I then go home and think and think and think and write it all out in my journal and have these epiphanies where I realize all kinds of things.

I am realizing that I am angry about a lot of things and that these things go back not only to the past few years, but right back to my teens. These were things that I thought I worked out in my early 20's when I was depressed the first time, but clearly I was mistaken because here they are again, surfacing with a vengeance. I find myself overcome some days with fury that rages within me and then comes screaming out in tears and sorrow and grief. Some days I am okay - these are the days when I know I am getting better. But there are days when the "meltdowns" happen and the depression wins and I succumb to it. I find myself in tears, broken and lying in a ball on the floor in tears, sometimes for an hour or more, just crying like a child would, with big heaving sobs.

I had a big moment last weekend when I allowed my husband to see me that way. He came home in the middle of one of my meltdowns. I had already been crying for a good hour and having come out of the shower when it first started, I was wrapped in a towel with my hair soaked, lying on our bedroom floor. Instead of closing the door and trying to hide it, I asked him to help me and allowed him to hold me and help me through it. This was a huge first for both of us and his presence did help and calm me significantly. It also allowed him to begin to learn the extent of what I go through. After witnessing that, I let him read a few excerpts from my journal. We became closer as he began to understand a bit better what it is that I'm really experiencing.

Sometimes the force of the anger scares me but I suspect that it's normal and something that I have to work through. The hardest thing has been timing - my pdoc had a death in the family just as a I started to break through and he had to leave the country for 3 weeks. Ouch! Just when I need to talk most about what I'm going through he's not here! So, I continue to write it out in my journal and diarize it for when he gets back. One hour is going to be short our first week back!

The things that I'm angry about also surprise me...sometimes. Some of it makes sense, some of it I can't believe I am still holding on to. I asked my pdoc in one session why now....why did I get depressed now, after all that I have been through? My life really wasn't all that bad, and nothing I was going through was any worse than the things I'd been through before. He told me something that made so much sense and also helps to explain the anger and I'm clinging to this explanation in his absence. He said, "All those things that you had to go through took a little piece of you and a bit more of your strength and left you with a little bit less to fight the next thing with until finally, you had nothing left which brought you to where you are now. Depressed." And I guess the truth is that I tried so hard to bury each one of those things and not to hold on to them, but each left an impression and they're all coming back to haunt me now. I guess the truth is that you can never forget, no matter how hard you try. My pdoc and I had a long discussion about that too and unfortunately, he's right about that as well. We're hard wired never to forget.

I am scared to death of working through them all but I KNOW it's the only way to get my health and sanity back.

Thanks for letting me rant. I feel better.

Feddy

justfloating · Apr 25, 2010, 07:54 PM

((((((((((Feddy))))))))))))

I found that my depression turned into anger for a while too, and I was astounded/frightened by it. My counsellor told me just to feel whatever I was feeling, and to allow myself to validate those feelings. Sometimes depression can happen because we've been burying our anger so long, and letting it out is not only natural, but a good, healthy sign that we're on the right emotional track.

I'm glad that you and your husband were able to connect about your depression and what you're going through. It sounds to me as though you're really heading in the right direction with your treatment and recovery. Thanks for posting, and good luck!