[Elana05]

I'm exhausted. But putting off going to sleep because I'm afraid of lying in bed and thinking too much - not sure if anyone can relate. I guess I'll just take something for sleep.
Got some sad news from my dad tonight. His sister is selling my grandma's house. The house I practically grew up in. The home is kind of already gone because my dad's sister has trashed it. She has mental health issues but won't face them. Denial runs in my family. I can't stop thinking of that place, and the times of the past. But the past is gone, I know. I just wish my dad had seemed to care - or at least seemed to care about how I felt. My parents never care how I feel. They never ask. Or if they ask, they don't listen and instead talk immediately about themselves. Or worse, tell me why I shouldn't feel that way. This makes me feel tired... invisible. Tired of wondering when they'll acknowledge my feelings. Rambling I guess. Time to keep pushing forward. Thanks for reading.

[Changeling412]

Elana05,

I can relate to not wanting to go to sleep, afraid of lying in bed and thinking too much. I was diagnosed with bipolar depression and one of my (many) problems is what they call "racing thoughts". Basically I seem to have an ongoing slide show of my past, present and future all playing in my head at the same time. Medication helps but I don't always take it because it makes me very tired/sleepy and I can't seem to get enough sleep when I take it.

I know about memories. I have way too many of my own that I don't deal with. Maybe a little of that denial you were talking about. My family...what's left of it...is the same way. They do ask how i'm doing, but when I answer I can see them fading out until they hear something that they can relate to their life and then they immediately change the subject to something about them. I feel invisible...lonely...hopeless...etc. If you ever need someone to listen, feel free to email me. Good luck with your family.

[justfloating]

((((((((((Elana)))))))))))))


I know what it's like not wanting to go to bed for fear of lying there stuck with your thoughts. I hope you managed to get some sleep. Low on words today but wanted you to know I'm sending some good vibes your way.

[Elana05]

Thanks Changeling and Rebecca.
I was so hoping I would feel better and rested this morning. But instead I feel worse. I woke up with terrible anxiety and I can't shake the feeling of just wanting to sob. I'm sticking to chamomile tea this morning instead of coffee.
It's like - because of the nature of my family no one can take responsibility. Yet everyone is responsible. They all (my dad, his wife and my aunt's son) hate my aunt / or are mad at her because she is so manipulative. But no one has taken a moment to realize it's because of some very serious untretaed mental health conditions (what I think is schizophrenia). Instead, my dad has thrown money at her (enabling) and her son makes fun of her. Denial has caused so much pain in my family. They all act like children. Sometimes I think I'm the only one with any sense - which is ironic since I'm the "crazy" one right now... I just hope this feeling passes. I have so much to do.